The HLDW's Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove

Just need to share another reason why I am "A Man Who Loves His Wife".

I was between gigs for a couple of weeks so I decided to apply for unemployment to keep a little cash flow going. It is a PAINFUL process. One reports to the Department of Labor (DoL) center to sign-up - you have to watch a 30 minute video explaining the obvious before you are directed to a bank of PCs to complete the application process. I know I'm in for trouble when the word Georgia is misspelled at the beginning of the video. Yep. At a state office the official "how to" video has the name of the state misspelled. The bureaucrat leading the class advised that the video was made in Alabama thus explaining the error. Why the hell I couldn't do this from my home PC is beyond me.

After a week or so I receive a letter advising that my claim has been denied and that I need to report back to the office to speak to someone. DAMN! I report to the office and proceed to wait for 3 hours before having a 3 minute conversation with a clerk who advises me that I do indeed qualify for benefits and it will be corrected and that I should continue to do the weekly certification.

You know where this is going don't you?

Another week goes by and the online system advises that my certification was denied and I need to report to the office. Another 3 hour wait, another 2 minute conversation and the assurance that everything is fine.

It doesn't work. To make a long story longer I do this not once, not twice but three times. What a clusterfuck. I decide to try and circumvent the system and call the customer service number that is buried on the website and after being on hold for 72 minutes the drone du jour advises that they can't help me and that I need to go to purgatory, errrr, the center again.

The HLDW* offers to go with me the fourth time. Remember, she is the pepper grinder of the will and I've seen her go to work on bureaucrats in the past and she has NEVER lost a contest of wills with this species of drone. What the hell, if she wants to sit with me for 3 hours, I would love to have her company - not to mention that she has a way of keeping my Rhino rage in check. Those bastards don't know what is coming their way. I feel like I'm in that movie Tombstone when Johnny Ringo thinks he's going to fight Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday appears and says, "I'm your huckleberry". (Note to self - see if you can convince the HLDW to say "I'm your huckleberry in a southern accent. Additional note - be prepared for disappointment). Oh, yes, they don't have a clue.

So, we get there and we've been sitting there for an hour, the place is wall to wall with people, and the HLDW says to me, "This is ridiculous, I can see why you have Rhino rage whenever you have to come here." (OK, she didn't say Rhino rage. That there is what they call poetic license). I see "that gleam" in her eye as she gets up, whips out her cell phone and walks outside. She comes back a couple of minutes later and says that she met someone outside that has lost their house and they aren't getting unemployment and that they are running out of money and that she needs the car keys to open the trunk of our car to get the bags of groceries that we were going to donate later that day and that she'll get to my issue in a moment. Huh? She walks outside for 5 minutes on a mystery errand and in that time learns the history of a total stranger and is now helping them. Is there no wonder why I love her? I secretly suspect that I've connected with her in order to balance out the incredible karmic debt built up after so many years of decadence and all around bad Rhino behavior. She goes out the door again with keys in hand and cell phone plastered to her ear -- I hear her say the words, "Georgia Department of Labor central office please" as she hits the door. What is she up to?

A couple of minutes later she comes in and hands me the phone and says, "This is Alicia, tell her what is going on". I proceed to tell Alicia my story of woe. I hand the phone back to the HLDW and I hear a lot of "I knows", "Uh Huhs", "Immediately", "You are sooooo helpful", etc. She closes the phone and says to me, "Go up to the counter, the center manager will see you in 2 minutes".

WTF?!?!

OK, I'm a little incredulous, but do as she says. I've seen what she can do and I've learned to just roll with it (most of the time, anyway).

I rhino my way to the counter and as I get to the front of the crowd one of the keepers of the gate ladies is saying, "When Mr. Ross gets here let me know.". I say, "I'm Mr. Ross". She says, "Come with me". I am immediately ushered behind the armored door that says "Abandon All Hope All Ye Who Enter Here" ... OK, it actually said Employees Only Beyond this Point, but you get the point and am brought to an office with a sign on the door that says Assistant Manager. OK, I'll say it again - WTF. What hath the HLDW wrought?

I'm welcomed like a long lost rich relative by the woman in the office. She immediately pulls up my records, makes several calls and types furiously as she does so. She is a tornado of bureaucratic multitasking and I'm suitably impressed. At last she apologizes for my wait and advises that this time my claim has been resolved and that everything will be fine and here is her card that has her direct double secret probation bat-phone number that I can call if there are any more problems and, no, I don't ever have to show up there again.

OK, for symmetry sake I need to insert another WTF here.

I walk out, stunned, to find the HLDW sitting serenely reading her book. I tell her that we are done and can get out of there. Of course, the rabble sitting around us realize that something out of the ordinary has gone on ... I've circumvented the status quo and they smell it on me. They start asking what did I do and I mutter something incomprehensible as this can very quickly turn into an ugly mob situation with all of the frustration seething. Of course, the ever helpful HLDW explains that she called the GA DOL central office in Atlanta and advised them of the terrible service and wondered if they could help. Seeing cell phones being pulled out of pockets I grab her by the elbow and steer her to the door while whispering in her ear, "Sugar Bear, I think you have just ignited a potential riot". I very much doubt that 1 in 10 of the mob will approach the central office people in the polite yet firm manner of the HLDW. They won't get the same results and I can just see them turning on us when their hopes are dashed.

We escape, but not before the HLDW stops by to say goodbye to the gentleman to whom she gave the groceries. There is no excuse for rudeness in her world.

We pull out of the parking lot and I keep looking over at her and she says, "What are you doing?"

I've got a stupid grin on my face and I reply, "You never cease to amaze me. I'm supposed to be the one that 'gets stuff done' and you cut right through that clusterfuck with no problem whatsoever and feed a family for a week for a second act".

HLDW, "That was easy. You should have listened to me weeks ago. And do you really need to say clusterfuck so much?"

Rhino, "Forget the pepper grinder of the will ... you now possess the fist of iron in a velvet glove."

HLDW, "I like the sound of that."

Rhino, "Just use your powers for good ... and on behalf of my nefarious causes of course."

I am one lucky bastard.

And that, boys and girls, is just another reason (in a long, long list of reasons) why it is a very good thing to be The Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Relationship Nirvana - Re-Post for a Pending Husband

This is a re-post for one of my Sri Lankan teammates that will soon leave the hallowed halls of bachelorhood. I feel honor bound to school him in the vagaries of husbandly survival.

He won't learn anything from this, of course.

I didn't when I was in his shoes.

I had to learn my lessons.

Painful lessons.

Many. Painful. Lessons.

Oh well ... Let's move on, shall we, to the recycled content...

Rhino's Guide to Relationship Nirvana
Originally posted Thu, 31 Aug 2006

If you've been reading this nascent indulgence of ego you know that I'm married to the archetype of hippie liberal douche bleeding hearts. And after reading about some of our interactions your next thought was probably, "How the hell does he keep her?” Well, for the first time anywhere I am going to share the secret ... The Rhino three step plan to ensure relationship nirvana.

Without further fanfare here it is:
1. Acknowledge.
2. Re-acknowledge & Empathize.
3. Act.

How to put this into action, you wonder? Well, it's all in the phraseology. I generally rely on a couple of stock, 'go-to' sets of phrases with the number one set being:
1. "Really?" (the acknowledgement)
2. "Wow. How do you feel about that?" (re-acknowledgement & expressing empathy)
3. "How can I help?" (act)

This simple formula will keep the female significant other as happy as a clam and save the man from the dreaded "We don't communicate" conversation

Now, let's see the process in action:

HLDW*, "I can't believe what Sally did today."

Rhino, Really? (internal monologue is, "I wonder if I'll have time to play Halo Online tonight ... I'd really like to look at that door that's squeaking ... and maybe sit on the porch and have a cigar with my beer ... uh oh, looks like she's ready to go on").

HLDW, "Yeah. She really invaded my emotional boundaries and I'm feeling as if she was acting inappropriately."

Rhino, "Wow. How do you feel about that?" (internal monologue is, "Hmmmm... pizza. No. Hmmmm... hot sausage hoagie. No. Hmmmmm... Cheese Steak Hoagie ... Yeah. Nice. And some onion rings ... that'd be good. Oh, wait, better not ... I'll get grease all over the X-Box controller ... ooooo I'm almost to level 10 in match play, maybe I'll break through to 11 tonight ... uh oh ... sounds like she's winding down ... I'd better do my squinty eyed contemplative look and nod my head as if I'm thinking.

HLDW, "It's really confusing because she's a good friend. I'm not sure."

Rhino, "How can I help?" (internal monologue is, "I bet she's going to say that she's not problem solving so I'm off the hook and won't actually have to do anything ... I wonder if she cut that fung toe thing off yet ... I'd really like to get some tonight but that skeeves me out ... uh oh ... looks like it's the wrap-up.)

HLDW, "Oh, I'm not really problem solving I just need to talk so there's not much you can do. I just appreciate you listening to me and that's what I really needed."

Rhino, OK Darlin' ... whatever you need.

Now, of course, you really have to adjust your tone and facial expressions to the situation - nodding is also good ... but don't be a freakin' bobble head doll. Also, try to vary your phraseology so that she doesn't notice the formula ... don't get me wrong ... she is going to be so thrilled that you are actually 'listening' to her that she would pretty much forgive/ignore most everything. An alternate phraseology example would be: Wow! What do you think about that? Is there anything I can do?
Warning ... don't get too Oprahish on her or she will begin to suspect something is up. Every now and again revert back to your normal behavior and just tell her that she's being illogical and explain how to fix it so she stops wasting your valuable time.

This stuff is easy once you break the code ... and it is a statistic that men that follow my plan get 250% more oral sex than those that don't.

Once again, that is why I'm the Rhino and you are not.Once again, that is why I'm the Rhino and you are not.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

A Shameless Plug for the HLDW

Here's the scoop - in my prior post I wrote that the HLDW* was in line for a paying gig at the weekly alternative paper and that there might be a few hurdles. Well, we now know what the hurdles are. Evidently the Publisher has narrowed down the list of individuals that he wants to look at and is letting the readership help in the final decision. The week he published three pieces - one by the HLDW entitled Will Work Out for Hot Shower - and I am humbly (as humble as a Rhino can get) asking that you go read them here:

Stories of Hope

Then, and only then, if you like what the HLDW has written I would ask that you provide feedback to the paper. I want to stress that I only want you to do this if you think that she has the chops and the feedback is sincere.

From Publisher Kevin Moreau's editorial introducing the articles (with feedback directions):

We’ll be running other submissions, stories we either didn’t have room for this week or that take different approaches, in the coming weeks; your feedback on those stories, and these, will help us determine how we go about covering the recession—and who will help us do it. Drop us a line, either on our Web site, at sundaymail@sundaypaper.com or kevinmoreau@sundaypaper.com, and let us know what you think.

Until next week, be safe.

Well, there's you assignment ... now get cracking.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Rhino News

I haven't posted in awhile - which is one way to drive away Rhino lovers. (There are others, of course, but you need to be in the general vicinity to experience those.)

Life has been rather crazed lately, bordering on chaotic, but in a good way for a change - lots of amazing things happening.

Looks like the HLDW* has broken into a paying writing gig. I am fairly bursting at the seams I'm so proud of her. It is "in process" as they say and there are a couple of hurdles remaining (but they are things she is in control of clearing) but the fact that she has gotten this far so quickly is nothing short of amazing. She is an incredible woman and I still marvel at the fact that she settled for me. I'm not sniffing at the potential of an additional revenue stream (as paltry as I've been warned it might be) either. Rhinos are all about the revenue stream.

On the start-up front - we are now an officially INCORPORATED business entity - an LLC no less. We are in the process of pulling a lot of threads together and are looking to be actively seeking business on Monday, 3 August. Things have worked out great with the contract as I work from home and start very early due to time zone considerations which leaves my late afternoons & evenings free to work on the new business venture - very key in that there is zero conflict with the much appreciated paying gig. On the suck side I've forgotten how much it truly blows to write a business plan. I've done it before and forgot how painful it is.

Oh, yeah, I'm COO. That's kinda' cool and think it will look good on a business card - The Rhino, COO.

On the home front - things are getting pretty much back to normal but there is still some distance to go. Jennicki wrote about the unemployment thing very eloquently and I think that I'd like to do something along those lines as well at some point - but I think I need some perspective as it is still very raw. After 18 months of on again/off again contract employment, coming within one day of losing the house, the constant worry of paying the bills, etc., I almost feel as if I'm suffering from some sort of PTSD at times. There is a core of anxiety that I'm still carrying around - it lessens every day - but it is still there. I'm almost afraid to be hopeful.

On top of all of the demands on my time I was asked to do a rush review of a HUGE pre-pub manuscript last week - and, before Havock bursts a blood vessel, it was NOT After America. There was absolutely no question that I was going to do it despite my lack of free time and it took a couple of very late nights. I can't really say what it was but it was awesome and had lots and lots of explodey goodness. I have multiple geekgasms when I do this kind of thing. Yes, the Rhino is a pathetic fanboy and it was worth every precious minute of sleep lost.

Oh, and I'm getting a free 42" plasma TV next weekend. Any time I get to type the words "free" and "plasma TV" in the same sentence it is always a good thing.

Anyway, that is the down and dirty update. I still need to write about another lost weekend at Steve's and I do have a double secret probation task to finish for another writer that I've sorta' kinda' dropped the ball on in all of the chaos during the last month.

All in all the karmic scales seem to be balancing once again and I am reminded that it really is good to be The Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife.

The Case of the Oatmeal Bandits

So, the HLDW and I were gone for a couple of hours yesterday evening, out and about running errands, getting Indian takeaway, etc., you know, the day to day tasks of life, only to return to Chateau Rhino and stumble upon the following crime scene in the middle of the kitchen:

Somehow the carton of oatmeal that I had left on one of the counters was mysteriously transported to the floor, the lid was removed and the carton remained standing upright.

WTF?

The game is afoot.

I immediately round up the usual suspects. The cats, per usual, are inscrutable and are acting as if moving the oatmeal, much less eating it, is beneath their dignity. Forensic examination reveals no oatmeal flakes adhering to their whiskers so I have to release them for lack of evidence. I ask them to not leave the immediate environs in the event that I need to bring them back in for questioning. Being the cunning bastards they are they immediately lawyer-up and will resist any further interrogation attempts. Is it no wonder that I have yet to pin a crime on them.

The dogs are next. They must be the prime suspects in this case due to their criminal history. To say the least they are not criminal masterminds - the open and shut case of the paper towel roll disappearance of '08 will attest to that fact. They were immediately apprehended when the evidence was found shredded on their blankets and they failed to dispose of additional evidence attached to their wet doggy noses. Unsubtle does not begin to describe their modus operandi.

So, I'm a bit confused as, on the surface, this crime appears to be magnitudes more sophisticated than their usual M.O.

To wit:
1. The carton is mysteriously intact. Their standard M.O. is to eat through whatever is holding the thing that they really want to eat.
2. The lid has been removed cleanly. See point number one. Besides, there were no opposable thumbs present - so how the hell did they do that.
3. There is no debris field around the carton - past performance would indicate that they would have gone into a feeding frenzy or at least knocked over the carton wrestling once the target was breached.
4. There was oatmeal left in the carton. If anything, they have been thorough in the past with respect to fully devouring their ill-gotten gains.
5. Their snouts and coats are disturbingly clean.

So, despite my suspicions I must release them for lack of evidence. Unlike the cats they do not immediately lawyer-up. I can't decide if this is because they are being their usually cocksure selves or if they are out of cell phone minutes for the month.

I don't know ... I'll let you decide ... take a look at this mug shot taken moments after our stumbling upon the crime scene and the aforementioned rounding up of usual suspects:


Is this the look of guilt?

I for sure know that despite being as frugal as I am and no evidence that any of the oatmeal was eaten by any domesticated animal residing at Chateau Rhino the remainder of that carton is going in the trash.

OK, OK, in the interest of full disclosure I will admit that I did consider that I could salvage some of the oatmeal if I removed a precise layer of 'potentially slobbered upon' oatmeal. But the HLDW vetoed this immediately and common sense prevailed.

It is good to be Sherlock Rhino.

Update for the Rhino Lovers

Just a general update for the Rhino lovers amongst you - you know who you are.

The Home Front

Had the 11th wedding anniversary with the HLDW last night ... a splendid time was had by all. The HLDW certainly appreciated the gift of the 2-hour massage (female masseuse - I checked) and the mani/pedi session. We had a great Mexican food dinner at a little hole in the wall that has been voted tops in Atlanta for oh, like a decade or something. Then we met up with my chef buddy and his wife - who happen to share our anniversary date - at another hole in the wall for drinks and listening to a band (blues). To top it off, as we were leaving, the HLDW noticed that there was one of those newpaper holder thingys outside the bar for the free weekly tabloid to which she contributes ... and the new issue had just been loaded that contained her new article. This delighted her to no end and was the perfect capper to a very nice day. You can find it here: http://www.thesundaypaper.com/More/Archives/tabid/98/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/4154/Role-models.aspx

Some may scoff at 11 years, as most of my married friends around the same age are up to the late teens or early 20's or more, but this is from a Rhino that never thought he would get married, EVAR. So, I'm feeling pretty good about it - I am a man who loves his wife.

I was great to have a stress free day as the last 2 weeks have been unending hell as we are still dealing with the fallout from 18 months of unemployment/short-term employment. We have one major issue to resolve and I believe that this will be the final hurdle to get us back on the path to normality - but at this point I'm not sure that the cure won't be worse than the disease. We'll see. There were glimmers of hope on Friday and I'm hoping that Monday brings that to fruition.

The Work Front

The new gig is proceeding well. There are some challenges that I'm still adjusting to - amongst them are the time zone differences and not getting into a solid sleep schedule to cope. The biggest challenge though is the thing that I thought would be the easiest - working from home. Don't get me wrong, it is majorly SWEET that my commute is the 2 minutes it takes me to make my way from the bed to the office and that I can take a tea & cigar break pretty much whenever I want. The upside is the downside as well in that I'm HOME pretty much ALL DAY. The HLDW is beginning to realize just how much she enjoyed having me out of the house for 10 or so hours each day - and I reciprocate those feelings. I tried working some at the cigar shop a couple of times. Funny how things works, when unemployed I would visit the cigar shop during work hours and it would be fairly quiet - to the point where I'd take the occasional nap. However, now that I need to engage in conference calls as a key component of my work day, the couple of times I tried to work there seemed to coincide with visits of large gangs of apparently deaf loud talkers that require the volume of the news channel to be turned up to 11. Or, as on one visit, one of the owners that is a great friend but does not engage in a lot of unnecessary conversation during working hours felt the need to be the most gregarious and engaging man in the world. Over the weekend I found a huge coffee shop with free wifi up the street so I'm going to give that a try next week.

Well, that's where things stand for the moment ... lots more of course but most of it is the minutiae of daily life, but them there's the basics.

Hope that life is treating you well.

Regards,
Rhino

Sri Lanka v Australia - WTF Guys?

My virtual and work worlds collided yesterday in yet another demonstration of why the interwebs rock.

Had a Skype confernce call very, very, early local time yesterday with my boss in London and members of the development team in Sri Lanka and the pre-meeting chit chat was all about the upset of Australia by Sri Lankan in the Twenty20.

Everyone was happy. Funny thing I noticed though - my boss refuses to say the word Austalians - he will only say, "Sons of English convicts" when referring to ye lads down under. Don't know where that animosity comes from. The Sri Lankans, needless to say, were full of themselves. I'm not sure what pleased them most; the end of their 26 year long civil war or this cricket victory.

I mentioned, of course, that I have a lot of Aussie buds and that I needed to write about this in my blog ... and the flood gate of links to articles began to flood my in box. They really are a vindictive bunch. I tried to stand up for you I really did - but I felt queasy trying to defend a poofy game that I didn't give a rat's arse about and, besides, I really needed them to knock out some serious code this week.

by the way, what the hell does this tag line from The Telegraph mean?

A sign in the crowd after Australia's early exit from the World Twenty20 at the hands of Sri Lanka summed it up: "Enjoy Leicester, Ricky".

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say, WTF guys - y'all are embarrassing me in the work place.

Harden the fuck up, will ya.

Regards,
Rhino

A Perfect Storm of Douchiness

Went downtown this afternoon to grab some lunch with the HLDW. We are working through a list of restaurants featured in an Atlanta magazine article entitled Cheap Eats. The destination today was a really quirky Thai restaurant located in a douchy rich neighborhood by name of Virginia Highlands. Virginia Highlands is an upscale hipsters delight - lots of shops, restaurants, the obligatory used book store and coffee shop, lots of really old, huge houses on tree lined streets, etc. In all honesty, it really is a nice place ... and I do LOVE the Paolo's Gelato, but it just feels like it is just trying too hard, very smug, know what I mean?

Anyway, on the way, stopped at a traffic signal, we encountered a Perfect Storm of Upper Middle Class Douchiness on display. I whipped out the cell phone to capture this:

We've got a lot of things going on here - so wonderful:
1. The wondrous liberal douche bumper sticker with the word 'coexist' spelled using religious symbols.
2. The "I Belong in the Zoo" Atlanta Zoo patron bumper sticker. Hey Douche, the chimpanzees just called and they said that if they ever actually see your pretentious ass at the zoo they are saving a special pile of poo to fling at you.
3. The little white sticker to the left of the license plate is a bragging sticker that they have the disposable income to send their spawn to a private school.
4. But the topper that clinches their douche master status has to be the licesnse plate itself:

LTLFEAT

Are you kidding me?

I wanted to follow this twit just to see what kind of aging hippie, LSD besotted bag of damaged DNA would emerge but my hunger for Thai noodles won out and I turned.

Note on the Thai restaurant. It is literally a one man operation - he seats you, is the waiter and bartender and does all of the cooking. Read several reviews and the food is supposed to be awesome - but every one of the reviews also cautioned that you shouldn't be in a hurry if you go. We called ahead to make sure they were going to be open. When we got there I scored a parking place on the street in front - sweet. The restaurant/house is really rundown and is decorated (and I use the word loosely) in a rather eclectic, funky style. If you walked by you would probably keep going and not even realize that it is a restaurant. The walkway to the front door is covered by a trellis and you can see the front patio - lots of tables, greenery, looks cool - and the front windows of the place are wide open and more resemble an open veranda than anything else. We can hear a TV blaring over the bar in the front area and see tables. There are a couple of signs that say "Come In - We're Open" displayed. So, we walk up to the door ... it isn't really a door ... rather it is a door sized wire gate. I yank on the gate and, surprise, it is chained and padlocked closed. Then I realize what was bothering me as we were walking up ... no customers on the patio and none inside that I could see. No one at all. Weird. I knock on the gate and give a half-hearted 'hello is anyone there?". No response. Repeat knock/hello combo but a little louder this time. Still no response.

Maybe there is another entrance? Do a recon around the building - nope. Back at the gate. Whip out the cell phone and call the restaurant. I can hear the phone ringing in the restaruant. It rings and rings and rings. No answer. What the hell? I just called 30 minutes earlier and they said that they would be open until midnight. The 'open' signs are posted. The tables on the patio are set with utensils and glasses.

WTF? Does this mean that there will be NO THAI NOODLES FOR THE RHINO!?!?!?!

Time to regroup. Thankfully, I'm in an upscale douch-nozzle neighborhood and there are a veritable plethora of restaurants in walking distance (I AM NOT going to give up that sweet parking space). We walk up the street and find another Thai joint - nice place, good food but will definitely NOT be featured in a future cheap eats article.

Afterwards we repaired to Paolo's Gelato. The HLDW* made a typical HLDW choice - a scoop of rosemary gelato and a scoop of hazelnut gelato. In the same cup. Talk about war on the taste buds. I had the zabaglione (banana) and tartufo (chocolate rum).

Life was good again.

It is good to be the Thai noodle eatin', gelato licking Rhino on a warm Sunday afternoon.

The Company Tag Line

The tag line for the company we're forming:

In the Ruthless Pursuit of Excellence.

Thoughts?

Too corporate B.S.?

I liked the use of the word 'ruthless'.

Burgers at The Vortex

Took the HLDW* to one of the best burger 'n beer spots in Atlanta for lunch yesterday - The Vortex (Link here: http://www.thevortexbarandgrill.com/).

This joint is located in a neighborhood known as Little Five Points - the obligatory urban bohemian area that any large city supports. You know the type; populated by the strung-out, the tattooed and pierced and the generally disaffected youth and burnt out aging hippies. Of course, since this is the Deep South, you need to throw in a freshly scrubbed fundamentalist Christian standing on the corner and wearing a pressed white shirt and tie, screaming the "WORD OF GOD" at the top of his lungs in an effort to "SAVE" the aforementioned strung-out, tattooed, etc. Essentially, this is a petting zoo for the HLDW and she loves it. For me it is a land of situational awareness overload, constant proximity alerts and strained neck muscles from scanning for targets. However, I am a man who loves his charred cow flesh so I wade into this human microcosm of hepatitis-C and herpes donors on occasion to partake of the burger glory that is The Vortex.

Props to the HLDW* as she loves this joint as much as I do as they have a veggie burger alternative. I know, I know Bedak and BarnesM - the very idea of something called a veggie burger is an oxymoron and a perversion before the eyes of God. But, it gets me a pass into joints like this so I'm just grateful and look the other way whenever she orders.

The burgers are hand formed patties grilled-up short order style and dressed in a variety of ways with good stuff. One of my favorites is the Coronary Bypass which has 3 slices of cheese, 4 slices of bacon and a fried egg. There are very few things in life that cannot be improved by the addition of a fried egg. I have never had the testicular fortitude to order the Double Coronary, which, as you might guess, doubles the ingredients of the Coronary Bypass. The twist, however, is that the 2 burger patties, several slices of cheese and bacon and 2 fried eggs are sandwiched between 2 grilled cheese sandwiches in lieu of the standard hamburger bun. OK, I've wanted to try it but the laser like glare from the HLDW anytime my eyes stray to that part of the menu is truly something to behold. The awesomeness of the Vortex experience is ratcheted-up as one of the choices of side items is TATER TOTS! They do their tots well here - they come to the table hot and crispy - I've never had a soggy tot in The Vortex.

Which brings us to the point of this particular missive. There is one item on the burger menu that is such an unusually off-putting amalgamation of sweet and savory ingredients that I've been reticent to try it. It is a play on the gastronomical proclivities of a Southern icon ... The Elvis Burger. Elvis, as is widely known, was fond of fried Fluffer Nutter sandwiches - a combo of peanut butter, banana and marshmallow creme grilled together.

The Elvis Burger is essentially a bacon cheeseburger that has a healthy portion of smooth peanut butter and fried banana slices added to it. Strange combo but I steeled my nerve and decided to just go for it. The burger was daunting in its sheer size as the banana slices were rather large and stacked so it was a challenge for the mighty jaws of The Rhino to engulf it for a bite. But, in true Rhino fashion, I persevered and was rewarded with an explosion of flavors - balanced savory and sweet. The peanut butter was set against the smokiness of the bacon and the bananas were not overly sweet (something that I feared going in) and they added a nice touch of creaminess - the creaminess offset the lack any other condiment. All in all I was pleasantly surprised. The Elvis Burger is a winner.

When trying something new the final question I ask myself is, "Would I eat it again?" and the verdict this time is yes indeed, I would.

A fine lunch was had by all.

It is good to be the gastronomically adventurous Rhino.

Well, at least this time.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife