Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Rhino's Church of Free Will

I have been a minister for a couple of weeks now and it has become evident that I will need to lead a revolution against more mainstream organized religion. I know this will result in a schism – but that can’t be helped. Consider this my metaphorical nailing of theses on the door of the interwebz.

The new Rhino’s Church of Free Will establishes the following holy commandments that may or may not have been dictated to me by a burning bush. OK, they weren’t but still:

1. Thou shalt make all attempts to not be an asshole to people. Unless they do so unto you. But even then you should give pause.

2. Thou shalt exit the passing lane if there are people behind you and thou art being passed by cars in the cruising lane.

3. Thou shalt not pee on the seat and if you do thou willst clean-up after yourself.

4. Thou shalt not eat the last piece of pizza or other snack food unless thou offer it up to all others first and if there are no takers then it is fair game.

5. Thou shalt tip at least 15% or whatever is culturally acceptable. 20% is best if the service is good.

6. Thou shalt keep your cell phone turned off at the movie theatre.

7. Cleanliness is next to godliness so thou shalt wash thy hands after using the bathroom.

8. Your body is a temple. Do not defile it by filling it with cheap liquors, food or cigars. Instead, thou will strive to drink, smoke and eat only the finest liquors, food and cigars. And often.

9. Do not vilify thy neighbor for whom they love and want to marry. It is none of thy damn business.

10. Tithing to the church is a good thing. It won’t mean anything in the afterlife but it is a good thing as tithes will be used by The Rhino to follow commandment 8.

Addendum from the Congregation:

11. Thou shalt acknowledge and affirm that Han shot first. (Submitted by Brother Barnes)

That is a pretty good start. What else do we need to add?

It is good to be a God fearing Rhino.


Comments are welcome. However, being an ass may result in a horrible, albeit accidental, goring.