Thursday, April 09, 2009

I Might Need Natalie's Contacts in Moscow

My buddy Steve left for a jaunt to Moscow this week - he left on Tuesday.


Just because.

I wrote about Steve a couple of times back in the JSpace days. He is a GREAT friend whose mutant power is the ability to make fun hurt.

Perhaps a bit of important information that I need to share... Steve has stated on several occasions that one of his life's goals is to visit a former Eastern Bloc country with the express purpose of visiting a posh club to reenact his favorite scene from the Vin Diesel masterpiece Triple XxX.

No, he doesn't want to be the Vin Diesel Character. He doesn't even want to be the main villain. No, he is a humble sort and only wants to play one part - that of The Lackey. You know, the one who says the immortal words, "Bitches come".

Did I mention that the line must be shouted in a thick Slavic accent? You know, for authenticity's sake.

I didn't? Huh.

Did I also fail to mention that he has been practicing?

A lot.

For those of you that are not fans of that "once every generation" actor Vin Diesel here is a link to that pivotal scene: Bitches Come.

I'll ask you guys ... what are the odds that this man will be spending some serious quality time in Lubyanka?

Yes, he is naked under that raft. This was taken in Honduras a couple of years ago - after he ran through the house naked, scaring the kitchen and maid staff, dove into the pool and proceeded to lose 3 out of 5 rounds to the raft.

He wanted me to go. Thank Odin that I could use the job situation as an excuse to bow out.

I wonder what excuse I'll use when he starts nudging me again to go to Amsterdam with him in November where he'll be a judge for High Times magazine's Cannabis Cup.

At least I have a few months to think of something.

I hope that the SVR thugs administering his beatings don't get any of his bodily fluids on the giant fur hat that he's supposed to bring back for me.

That would just be gross.


  1. I bet if you checked his internet history you would see russianwivesdotcom in there or something.
    better brush up on your russian for when you and the missus go to the obligatory dinner at their house.

  2. hahahaha ... nah, Steve is married, separated, but they decided not to get divorced as there are too many assets - he and the 'wife' are actually good buddies. He lives at one house and she lives at the other.

  3. I like that movie. I'd rather be Vin in the castle scene the one where he says "the things I'm gonna do for my country." :)

  4. Oh, crap.

    You know, if he goes in wearing that raft outfit, I'm fairly sure Putin could use it as a justification to invade Georgia. Again.

  5. could Putin possibly justify another Georgian invasion just because of some strange dude wearing a liferaft in place of clothes? He might justify sticking him in a Russian loony bin but an invasion? *pfffle.*

  6. I went there when the Iron Curtain was still up. I guess there's not much point in pimpin' Levis and Marlboros over there any more.
    Encourage his craziness and get him to make videos of it. If they include some of those Russian brides, well that's just a bonus.
    Your next excuse will centre around something to do with a top secret government project.

  7. Anonymous3:37 AM

    Dirk, Putins too clever to mix up the two georgias but yeah on second thought's he'd just do it anyway!!

    Rhino, your mate will be fine as long as he's got plenty of money.

  8. Steve sounds a good man and true!

  9. Given the river of shit he's about to raft down, hope he packed a paddle...

  10. Looking forward to news broadcast from Russia with the line "...insane foriegn national....

  11. Jennifer Polis12:54 AM

    If you need a stand-in for the Cannabis Cup gig, let me know. Your little sis might know a thing or two about that.

  12. In fairness, if the wind changes direction, Putin thinks it's a good idea to invade Georgia.

    This would almost make me not want to get a job between now and November, just to avoid the debacle that would be the trip to Amsterdam. If you do get a job, tell him otherwise, just lie and say you're going out on job interviews for 9 hours, every day.


Comments are welcome. However, being an ass may result in a horrible, albeit accidental, goring.