Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Zombie Fodder

Whilst conducting my semi-monthly apocalypse preparedness planning session in the secondary storage bunker beneath the west wing of Chateau Rhino, between ammunition inventory and rotating MREs, a very ugly truth occurred to me. As much as it pains me to say this, as I truly and deeply love my wife - the incomparable HLDW* - when the inevitable zombie apocalypse and/or robot uprising finally happens she will be one of the first victims.


That question is also the answer...

It will be her inability to unconditionally obey a request or order without engaging in a dialogue about "why" she should or shouldn't do something that will be her undoing.

She can't help it. It is a large part of what makes her, well, her and one of the reasons I love her. However, it will also be the reason that I will roam the post-apocalyptic wasteland alone. I think that it may also be a mostly feminine trait as men are trained from a young age to obey orders. For example, go near a crowd, toss a ball into the air and say, "Heads-Up". The majority of the men will immediately look up for the errant fly ball that they "know" is coming - even if they aren't currently playing a baseball game and never expected you to throw a ball (The "men" that don't are womanly anyway and will be zombie fodder too). It is an immediate call to action that has been drilled into us since adolescent little league games. The women of the group on the other hand, will turn to you and say, "what?" "why?", "what does that mean?" or some variation on that theme and will cry when the ball lands on their head. I believe that this is the reason that the male:female ratio in zombie movies is generally on the level of 25:1 - this rule is viscerally understood by the writers of such fine fare. While it is never stated, they intuit that is way that it will be. The exceptions to this rule are female athletes, commonly known as lesbians. Except for the hot hetero and/or bi-curious tennis players. They're dead.

Back to the HLDW.

She doesn't see this as a weakness. Of course. It is all about female empowerment or some such thing I guess. No, I didn't ask. I don't need to. I'm a man and I really don't want, or need, to know.

Against my better judgment I decided to conduct a preparedness drill the other day.

Rhino, "Take cover!"

HLDW, (Standing up straighter and looking around), "What are you talking about?"

Rhino, "That was a zombie preparedness test and you failed. If this were not a drill I would have been forced to put a bullet into your beautiful face."

HLDW, "What are you talking about?"

Rhino, "See, there you go again. Your inherent inability to unconditionally obey orders will be your downfall."

HLDW, "Uh huh. And unquestionably obeying orders will get me what?"

Rhino, "Do you want me to have to roam the post-apocalyptic wasteland alone?"

HLDW, "You have got to be kidding me. By the way, did I just hear you say that you were going to shoot me in the face?"

Rhino, "Well, only if you were bitten."

HLDW, "By what?"

Rhino, "A zombie. Didn't you hear me say that was a zombie preparedness test?"

HLDW, "I started filtering that stuff out during the second year of our marriage."

Rhino, "And that will be your ultimate undoing."

HLDW, "You are a freak. Do you know that?"

Rhino, "For the record I would be sad if I had to shoot you."

The HLDW just shakes her head and walks away.

Sure, I'd be sad, but I'm hoping that I stumble on a hidden conclave of woman tennis players whilst roaming the wastelands.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife


  1. It's for her own good. And in related news, you ain't getting any this week...

  2. HLDW is a very patient woman...But definately Zombie Fodder.

  3. LOL.. Its as if we might be LIEING to them and they need to know WHY..sheez, do we men EVER LIE!.

    I can see the ARmy DI, going, " Like that".

    The recruit who is a woman..." WHY!"

    DI..." OH FFSAKES"..

    yeah, its bad enough at home, let along trying to teach a whole boat load of'em..that would be pure fkn torture..unless they were good looking 20 something tennis players in pleated white , very short skirts of course..OR..pony tailed and black booted.

  4. Firstly my congradualtions on the diligence with which you undertake your preparation. My sincerest regret that you will be roaming the wasteland alone, at least until you find those US Olympic girls tennis team stranded in the bus beset by the walking dead until you rescue them.

    Somehow you will find the strength to go on.

  5. You won't be alone Mr Rhino sir, you'll have Sydney. Don't tell me she won't instantly & unquestioningly respond to orders to "eat," "sleep" and "bounce about like an idiot."
    Good work on the Zombie Prep drills. I have long thought that while The US of A has an order of magnitude more people & therefore will have far more Zombies than us, your increased rate of weaponry ownership will stand you in good stead when the dark days come. You can lawfully have your Semi-Auto shotguns loaded with solid ball, whereas we will be battling the undead hordes with egalitarianism and vague concepts like mateship.
    Given a choice I know I'd go with the shottie.


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