Monday, May 17, 2010

Alpha Dog Disrespect

The HLDW* and I were driving home from our friend's Italian restaurant the other day - I was nicely stuffed with all sorts of saucy, meaty, cheesy goodness and feeling quite content when the HLDW hit me with one of those out of left field comments, "Do you remember when Red told you that he pee'd on his dog's house?

Huh? Oh yeah, there is a basis for that comment and some background is probably in order here. At the restaurant, we ran into a great friend of mine, Red, who also happens to be the owner of the cigar shop that is my other home, his wife and son. A long while ago a group of us were having one of those existential cigar shop conversations about who in our social circle was and was not an alpha dog and how we marked our territory. To cement his alpha dog cred Red told a story about getting a dog and one of the first things he did was to pee on its dog house. I think that firmly cemented his leader of the pack status. Anyway, I thought it was funny and mentioned it to the HLDW. This was one of those 'guy humor' things that she didn't 'get' and generally elicits the comment from her of, "How do you guys get on a topic like that?"

So we're driving home, I'm in a carb coma, and I hear her say, "Do you remember when Red told you that he pee'd on his dog's house?"

Rhino, "Yeah, why?"

HLDW, "I don't know, it just seems kind of like he was disrespecting the dog's space."

Rhino, "Really? I think that Red was just asserting his authority (pronounced 'aw thor a tie' in a southern drawl).

HLDW, "I mean, that was that dog's space to just be himself and now it's pee'd on. I wonder how that made him feel?"

Rhino, (In my commiserating voice that pulls the HLDW in and makes her think I'm on her side), "Yeah, he totally disrespected his dog's personal space."

HLDW, "I mean, why would anyone do that?"

Rhino, (In the same tone), "Yeah, I think it is an egregious violation of the sanctity of the dog's domicile."

HLDW, "Oh, shut up."

The jig is up. Maybe it was the use of the word egregious ... or maybe domicile. Damn, I got cocky. I could have her going on this all the way home if I would have been a little more patient.

Rhino, (laughing), I don't think that the dog cared one whit. Who knows, maybe it was like perfume to him and made him feel safe.

HLDW, "No, I think it would have pissed him off."

Rhino, (in my best Beavis voice) "You said 'pissed' - heh heh heh. Well, to be honest, I think Red was the only one doing the pissing that night."

HLDW, "I still don't think that it's right to disrespect someone's private space like that."

I sense that if I don't somehow end this now my puerile sense of humor is going to land me in a world of hurt and that it will be rolled out as evidence during a future conversation of my lack of empathy and all around immaturity. So, as only the Rhino can, I outflanked her.

Rhino, "New house rule, don't pee on the dog."

HLDW, (laughing), "Yeah."

Rhino, "Now I wish I hadn't drunk so much water tonight."

HLDW, (laughing), You really are an idiot."

I'm glad that I told her about Red's story and it distracted her so much that she never asked about mine. It would probably be a bad idea for me to tell her that my alpha dog story was that the first night we moved into the Chateau I pee'd off the back deck to mark my territory.

The guys here know what I'm talking about.

It is good to mark the Rhino's territory after several Guinness.


*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife


  1. Oh I fucking laughed! Not much actually elicits gut-laughter these days. (except Dr Y - he is da man!) Most of my laughing is on the inside - maybe a smirk will spread over my face...anyways.......!

    I love the way you wind the HLDW up. I can only hope to one day, absorb your chops into my repetorie.

    For the record, my last husband ALWAYS peed outside at night. We even had a perfect circular dead patch of grass. As for my own attempts at being a packleader...well they always fail as I spend my time shaking my head at the manipulative ways other women attempt to get there.

  2. I can feel a mass media blog comin' about this very important topic.

  3. The front lawn. Guilty as charged. Only bit of grass that grows healthy. The missus can't figure it out.

    "Is there a burst pipe under there?", she says.

    "Nah, probably the dogs piss there", says me.

    The dogs know to stay THE FK away from there. ;o)

  4. *shrug* guilty as charge..backyard, side of the house in my case.

  5. 98% of the planet is MY bathroom. Ahem. We recently were discussing problem animals. I made the line that once we had a shocker, and pissing on it settled the bugger right down. Didn't go so well with the ladies in the room. But later, they all came around and said "really?". Yes really.

  6. The ladies don't understand it because they don't have the ability to aim it with the veracity we do. Unless they have hips like Shakira. Wait on, I think I saw that on the internet one time.

  7. I am sure that Flinthart once posted at length about the benfits of peeing on his lemon tree - but maybe he was just disrespecting its space?


Comments are welcome. However, being an ass may result in a horrible, albeit accidental, goring.