Spitting

OK ... this is slightly off-color - so, if you are easily offended, you have been warned.

The HLDW* has had some health issues of late and has undergone some medical testing. In addition to the usual blood work she had to collect saliva in little vial during 5 periods over the course of one day ... they use the saliva to check hormone levels.

Her first sample period was from 6am until 8am. She didn't have to do it for the entire time - only until she was able to fill the vial to a certain level. If she could do it in 10 minutes, great. If not, she had to keep going until she finished. To her credit (she believes that spitting is vile) she got through the first one fairly quickly.

Fast forward a couple of hours later , I'm now at the cigar shop, working (I telecommute), around noon, when I received this call. Note: It is lunch time and there is a nice crowd of guys sitting around and hearing only my side of the conversation...

Rhino, "Hi Sugar Bear"

That's how I answer the phone when she calls and by now all of the guys know that when I do so it is the HLDW on the phone so shouts of variations "tell Sugar Bear I said hi" begin. They have all met her on numerous occasions and I believe most of them like my wife more than me anyway - as evidenced by at least one comment of "I can't believe a woman like that married you" whenever she stops by.

HLDW, "How do you keep spit from getting foamy?"

Rhino, "Huh? Oh, and everyone says hi"

HLDW, "Oh, how sweet, tell them I said hi. Anyway, how do you keep spit from getting all foamy? I'm spitting into the vial but it is all bubbly and the directions say that it can't be that way."

This is an obvious call for me to 'fix stuff' which I love and I go right into hunter-gatherer solve the problem mode.

Rhino, "Well, you could suck on something hard before you spit."

Several heads swivel my way with that comment. I'm my usually oblivious self as I'm deep in 'fixing stuff' mode and focused like a laser on the foamy spit problem.

HLDW, "I can't do that cause it will invalidate the test."

Rhino, "OK, then I guess you could just work it up and then let it settle on your tongue and then let it dribble out."

Seriously, I said that. Exactly that. In a room full of smart asses. And it didn't dawn on me how it could be interpreted until the guffaws and cat calls began ... totally drowning out the HLDW.

I retreat outdoors.

HLDW, "What is going on there?"

Rhino, "Think about our conversation if you just heard it from my side."

HLDW, "Oh my god."

Rhino, "Yeah."

HLDW, (laughing) "Your friends are freaks."

Rhino, "Yeah, it's going to be an interesting afternoon."

I ended the call, went back inside and gave the room a mighty Rhino glare.

No one asked. I didn't tell.

She filled all of the vials. No foam at all.



*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife