Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The HLDW Meets Buffalo Bill

The HLDW* and I were lying in bed this morning sharing one of those wonderfully intimate moments (No, you pervs, not one of those intimate moments - get your mind out of the gutter) and, as she is wont to do, she asks me to share my thoughts. Not good. Why? Well, as much as she asserts that sharing my thoughts is a positive thing and something she likes and encourages, it rarely turns out to be the relationship enhancing moment that she thinks it will be.

This time was no different.

So, as we lay there cuddling I, using my outside voice in the clueless way that I have, observed that if she were ever kidnapped by a serial killer she would surely survive as her god-given ability to exasperate anyone would force them to release her post haste.

For some reason this compliment did not elicit the hug and kiss that I thought it would. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact.

HLDW, "What do you mean by that?"

Rhino, "I'm just saying that once you get on something there is no force that will move you off your position."

HLDW, "Yeah, so what does that have to do with serial killers?"

Rhino, "Well, I was just thinking about that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the serial killer, Buffalo Bill, has that chick in the well and I thought if that was you in there you would have kicked his ass."

HLDW, "Huh? Why would you be thinking that?"

Rhino, "Ummmm, I don't know, it just popped into my head."

So, at that point, knowing that there was really no way in hell that I could adequately explain why I was imagining her in the grips of a serial killer I decided that the best course of action would be to just act out the scene for her ... doing both voices.

Rhino as Buffalo Bill, "It puts on the lotion or It gets the hose."

Rhino as the HLDW, "Yeah, well, about that, it looks as if this is generic lotion and I don't do generic.

Buffalo Bill, "It puts on the lotion or It gets the hose."

HLDW, "Do you have anything scented?"

Buffalo Bill, (a little more agitated) "It puts on the LOTION or It gets the HOSE."

HLDW, "Now slow down there, I told you it was generic and it could make me break out and I don't see a spa anywhere in this hole so that's a no-go."

Buffalo Bill, (now a whole lot more agitated) "I SAID IT PUTS ON THE LOTION OR IT GETS THE HOSE."

Aside - At this point I was deep into my character and really getting into it so much so that the spittle was literally flying, which, I thought, really lent an air of authenticity to my portrayal.

HLDW, "Yeah, and that's another thing, don't even think about spraying water on this blouse, much less the hair, Mr. Demanding No Manners."

Buffalo Bill, (lowering ladder into the well) "Get out."

HLDW, "What?"

Buffalo Bill, "I said, GET OUT. I give up, it isn't worth it. If you don't leave right now I'm calling the FBI. And leave the lotion."

HLDW, "You should really think about taking some anger management classes or, at the very least, taking a yoga or meditation class."

Breathless, I concluded my little scene for her with the sure knowledge that it should be abundantly clear that what I originally said was meant to be a compliment.

HLDW, (laughing hysterically) "Why are you so odd?"

Rhino, "What? You escaped."

HLDW, "Odd. Odd. Odd."

Rhino, "Sheesh, you're the one that likes sharing. I thought that was supposed to bring us closer together." What did I do?"

For the record I do a helluva' Buffalo Bill.

Flying spittle and all.

It is good to be the method acting Rhino.


*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife


  1. One thing I learned of women, a very long time ago: when they say "What are you thinking about?" you must never tell them the truth. Instead, you may say something about chocolate.

    They understand fully what it is to think about chocolate.

  2. Chocolate flavoured lotion maybe?

    It's good to see the Rhino back to his old self.

  3. Chaz, you care to expand on that?

    Flinty, oh, yes, I know that as well ... I just like to toss a monkey into the wrench every now and again to see what happens.

    Al, that's called Hershey's Syrup and it stains the sheets (smirk).

  4. Anonymous3:11 PM

    Good to see you back.

  5. If I want my wife to get all flinty6 eyed at me I say:
    "It puts on the LOTION or It gets the HOSE."

    Them's fight'n words...well the whole connotation thing, you know.

    welcome back

  6. What are you thinking "You don't want to know" Tell me "No" I don't mind if it's weird "(tells)" That's disgusting and you are weird.

    Who hasn't had this conversation? Played out in bedrooms throughout the world.

  7. It must be a thing which appears in wimmins magazines now and then as a tip to maintaing successful relationships.
    "What are you thinking about?". I hate those open enders.
    Good to see you here, Rhino.

  8. Good to see you Rhino.

    SWMBO "What are you thinking?"
    NBob "How much I love you & how lucky I am to share my life with you."

    Simple really.
    Dishonerably dishonest, but simple.

  9. Bob ... I've used that myself ... need to find and re-post that one.

    Therbs ... good to see you too. Have added you to the Rhino Approved list.

    Mick ... I know. I say it when I want her to do something she doesn't want to do. Hilarious.

  10. Anonymous12:04 AM

    You know what i mean...

  11. There you are - I just posted something about how you had disappeared and then straight away I find this blog...


  12. *huge girl bear hug* there you be :)

  13. Hey Rhino.

    Mate you really need find and re-install your brain/speaking to wife/filter. I am amazed and a little awestruck that you got yourself out of that one with no repercussions.

    [golf clap]

    well done sir.

  14. Brian ... trust me, if I did reinstall the filter my life wouldn't be as nearly as much fun.

  15. Fun...

    yeah, that not a descriptor of fun i would use.

  16. You need to package and sell that early morning pillow talk of yours. I'd imagine it to be a 100% effective contraceptive.

  17. Yeah chicks, they wouldn't know a compliment if it head butt them.

  18. brian2:33 AM

    Sometimes its better if you get in the first strike. ie You say 'What are you thinking honey?'
    Gotta pick the right moment, of course.


  19. Anonymous6:40 AM

    mate, good to see ya. That one goes right along side " does my bum look big in this". A NO GO ZONE. Brave or foolish..Not quite sure, but Dam the torpedoes and full steam ahead I say.

    OH, and with ya on the chocky mess....Didn't realise it could be spread so god dam far....


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