The HLDW* and I were lying in bed this morning sharing one of those wonderfully intimate moments (No, you pervs, not one of those intimate moments - get your mind out of the gutter) and, as she is wont to do, she asks me to share my thoughts. Not good. Why? Well, as much as she asserts that sharing my thoughts is a positive thing and something she likes and encourages, it rarely turns out to be the relationship enhancing moment that she thinks it will be.
This time was no different.
So, as we lay there cuddling I, using my outside voice in the clueless way that I have, observed that if she were ever kidnapped by a serial killer she would surely survive as her god-given ability to exasperate anyone would force them to release her post haste.
For some reason this compliment did not elicit the hug and kiss that I thought it would. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact.
HLDW, "What do you mean by that?"
Rhino, "I'm just saying that once you get on something there is no force that will move you off your position."
HLDW, "Yeah, so what does that have to do with serial killers?"
Rhino, "Well, I was just thinking about that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the serial killer, Buffalo Bill, has that chick in the well and I thought if that was you in there you would have kicked his ass."
HLDW, "Huh? Why would you be thinking that?"
Rhino, "Ummmm, I don't know, it just popped into my head."
So, at that point, knowing that there was really no way in hell that I could adequately explain why I was imagining her in the grips of a serial killer I decided that the best course of action would be to just act out the scene for her ... doing both voices.
Rhino as Buffalo Bill, "It puts on the lotion or It gets the hose."
Rhino as the HLDW, "Yeah, well, about that, it looks as if this is generic lotion and I don't do generic.
Buffalo Bill, "It puts on the lotion or It gets the hose."
HLDW, "Do you have anything scented?"
Buffalo Bill, (a little more agitated) "It puts on the LOTION or It gets the HOSE."
HLDW, "Now slow down there, I told you it was generic and it could make me break out and I don't see a spa anywhere in this hole so that's a no-go."
Buffalo Bill, (now a whole lot more agitated) "I SAID IT PUTS ON THE LOTION OR IT GETS THE HOSE."
Aside - At this point I was deep into my character and really getting into it so much so that the spittle was literally flying, which, I thought, really lent an air of authenticity to my portrayal.
HLDW, "Yeah, and that's another thing, don't even think about spraying water on this blouse, much less the hair, Mr. Demanding No Manners."
Buffalo Bill, (lowering ladder into the well) "Get out."
Buffalo Bill, "I said, GET OUT. I give up, it isn't worth it. If you don't leave right now I'm calling the FBI. And leave the lotion."
HLDW, "You should really think about taking some anger management classes or, at the very least, taking a yoga or meditation class."
Breathless, I concluded my little scene for her with the sure knowledge that it should be abundantly clear that what I originally said was meant to be a compliment.
HLDW, (laughing hysterically) "Why are you so odd?"
Rhino, "What? You escaped."
HLDW, "Odd. Odd. Odd."
Rhino, "Sheesh, you're the one that likes sharing. I thought that was supposed to bring us closer together." What did I do?"
For the record I do a helluva' Buffalo Bill.
Flying spittle and all.
It is good to be the method acting Rhino.
*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife