Monday, March 05, 2012

Half a Step

As promised in my last post.

We were celebrating a buddy's birthday and, as such drunken celebrations go, we ended up at a gentleman's club. (Note - I was going to do a riff or two on the lack of gentlemen, etc., etc., but that has been done to death.)

I don't particularly care for strip clubs. I'm happily married to the HLDW* and tell her when I go to such establishments, and, quite frankly, the HLDW is amazing I don't need any additional outside stimulation. The entire experience can be summed up by a paraphrase of a comedian (can't remember who), "Going to a strip club is like going to a buffet and being told that you can't eat anything." Don't get me wrong, I still have fun despite the fact that I don't get lap dances. I respect the girls and generally end up talking to the dancers that come around, hand out tips, buy lap dances for my buddies and drink. I've gone to this particular place with the birthday boy on several occasions and, since he has been going there for 20+ years, everyone knows him and he gets VIP treatment and he knows just about every girl so they feel comfortable hanging out with us.

So, I'm sitting there, watching everyone act like kids in a candy store when they announce that a new girl is making her debut on the main stage. A young thing, she comes out and proceeds to work the pole like a world class Olympic gymnast. Seriously amazing athletic ability. Flips. Splits. Twirling around that thing at scary speeds. Take the erotic dancing out and it looked like a very serious aerobic workout. When she was done she was barely breathing hard. Just contemplating that level of physical activity almost gave me a heart attack. Several guys "made it rain" on her. (No point loss or grousing about my gratuitous usage of "make it rain". For the record it is the law of the land to use that phrase at least once whenever one writes about strippers, strip clubs, rappers or just wasting money so don't blame me). She cleaned up like Donald Trump during a real estate downturn.

After that performance, another girl took the stage. A girl that my buddy knows and to whom I've spoken in the past. Attractive, nice girl. Late 20's, early 30's (which is late 50's, early 60's in stripper years), has a baking business on the side that she would like to do full time. I call her Cookie Lady. She proceeded to do her routine. Old school. She flirted with the pole, used it for balance, but no tricks. No athleticism. She made a few bucks and hustled off to make her real money doing table dances.

That got me to thinking.

But first ... a necessary segue. I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Grew up there in the 70's during the Steel Curtain years. Saw the the greatness that was a young Franco Harris. Making tacklers miss with his incredible footwork and spreed changes. Putting his head down and plowing through them if necessary. The years passed and I eventually saw the Franco Harris that dashed for the sidelines to avoid a hit, my father yelling at the television every time it happened. Losing half a step. That's all it takes to end an athlete's career. "Half a Step" can be applied to any sporting activity. A golfer can't drive as far, a baseball player can't hit as far, a cricket player can't, well, ummm, can't do whatever it is a cricket player does as far.

Back to me thinking ...

Strippers, like athletes, depend on their physical gifts to make it in their chosen professions. And, both have ways to prolong their careers when they feel like they are losing that half step. Athletes have steroids. Strippers have plastic surgery. Franco Harris races for the sideline. Cookie Lady flirts with the pole. Both had/have to watch younger, stronger athletes coming up through the ranks - knowing that their time in the limelight is coming to an end.

Half a step is all that it takes.

I threw an extra $20 Cookie Lady's way that night and told her she did great. I hope that she didn't realize that it was a pity tip.

It is good to be a thinky, doesn't have to rely on his prodigious physical attributes, but knows he could if he had to, Rhino.

* Hippie Liberal Douche Wife


  1. Check this invoice for a night out - all the items
    42 is the meaning of life?

  2. Wow ... that is AWESOME!!! That's the other thing ... I'm a cheap bastard. I freak if the bar tab is over $100. LOL

  3. Good call, and don't worry about 1st grade players and the half a step issue. EVEN Gods can lose half a step!

    Mrs H is pretty much the same..I would get a MEH! from her and a ...DONT WAKE ME WHEN YA GET HOME!

  4. Anonymous2:56 AM

    Are you dead? What happened? HLDW? is he ok?



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