Monday, November 29, 2010

Turkey and Monkey Rape

Thanksgiving holiday and the usual ... family and friends ... great food ... good drink ... delicious cigars .... monkey rape.


If you've been a reader of the Rhino's Desk for any length of time you know that I have a knack for getting into interesting, OK, let's be honest here, cognitive dissonance causing conversations - mostly with the HLDW*. But, this time my friend Steve was the culprit. Of course, the HLDW was front and center during the very disturbing discourse.

Setting the scene - dinner was amazing - dining at the home of a professional chef is never a bad thing; 3 turkeys (one smoked, one roasted, one deep fried), an amazing assortment of mouth watering side dishes, many bottles of wine, etc. You get the picture. So, button-poppingly sated we repaired to the sun porch for cigars,  football and, since women-folk were present, conversation. (Note: If it was just the guys the only acceptable post-Thanksgiving dinner conversation would have consisted of some or all of the following: "What's the spread?", "Where's the lighter?", "Who has a cutter?" "Good cigar", "::belch::", "::snore::".)

Some of you might remember Steve from a very early post I wrote about my trips to Honduras. For the rest of you, all you really need to know about Steve can be summed-up by this photo:

This is Steve in Honduras during one of our cigar trips. And, yes, he is naked under that raft.

There I am, in a tryptophan induced torpor, puffing away on a fine stogie, watching steroid soaked madmen smashing into each other, feigning interest in the conversation going back and forth when the following breaks through my semi-napping and catches my ear, "Yeah, when I was based in the PI we used to hear about monkey rape all the time in the news".

Huh? Did I really just hear the words "monkey rape"? That can't be right. I mean, no one in their right mind would talk about monkey rape at Thanksgiving dinner in mixed company, would they? Oh, wait, I think that was Steve. Shit.

Rhino, "Did you just say 'monkey rape'?

Steve, "Yeah. When I was stationed in the Philippines there used to be news stories about it."

HLDW, "Wait, were people raping monkeys or were the monkeys raping people?"

Rhino, "Yeah. Which is it. No, wait, I don't want to know."

Who'd a thunk that I'd be the voice of reason?

HLDW, "Well, either way, it is disgusting."

Steve, "It was monkeys raping people. They are way strong."

Rhino, "So, monkeys just coming out of the jungle in gangs raping the local ladies."

Steve, "I don't know about gangs. I think it was individuals."

HLDW, "Well, that changes how I think about monkeys."

Rhino, "Remind me to tell you about dolphins on the way home."

HLDW, "I don't want to know. Don't ruin that too."

Steve, "And they used to televise executions."

HLDW, "Of what, the rapist monkeys?"

Steve, "No, of criminals."

Rhino, "What does that have to do with monkey rape?"

Steve, "Nothing. It is just interesting, that's all."

Rhino, "How the hell did you guys get started on this?"

I never really got a response to that last question as the announcement that dessert and coffee was on the table was made. The conversation sort of limped on to safer topics.

Turkey and monkey rape.

I don't think I'll forget this Thanksgiving any time soon.

It is good to be the pumpkin pie with extra whipped cream eating, non monkey raping Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife


  1. You have some weird but interesting conversations and weird and/or interesting friends.

    Good to see that you did not start this one.

    Is it coincidental that one of the main attractions in Australia is the Dolphins at a place called Monkey Mia?

  2. Al ... I believe that it is a monkey/dolphin conspiracy to take our wimmins and build a super race.

  3. Deep fried turkey?

  4. Birmo ... it is a Southern US delicacy - although it is becoming popular across the US. You do it outside in a special rig - mainly to keep from burning down the house (there are always news stories about people burning down their houses). You inject the thawed turkey with cajun marinade the night before then deep fry it 3 minutes per pound. You can cook a 20 pound bird in one hour. The meat is juicy with crispy skin. Sweet, sweet crispy skin. Not greasy at all if done correctly.

  5. I've also heard that after they rape you, they tear your genitals off and cast them far away.

    Those 3 turkeys sound crazy delicious.

  6. Heidi ... and what is even more terrifying is that their victims are women ... so the tearing of genitals is really gruesome.

    And, yes, the turkeys were crazy, insanely delicious.

  7. I've seen pictures of the incredible turkey deep frying devices, the dipping racks and the pipe shape. They are remarkable. I'm glad that the results are tasty.

  8. I believe the monkeys all claimed that the women were 'dressing provocatively' and 'asking for it'?

  9. Deep...fried... turkey. Whole turkey.

    Holy spunt!

    Sadly, I was already aware of the vile predilections of certain monkeys. Apparently I've not led the sheltered life of some of your other correspondents.

  10. Totally had me with the deep fried turkey thing as well!!

  11. Flinty ... you know that there are certain agencies you can go to for counseling to deal with the aftermath of such encounters. I wish you well on taking the first step to recovery.

    GB ... Yeah. I know, awesome, right. You should see that thing going into the peanut oil. However, there are always stories in the news around this time of the year about people trying to do it without thawing the turkey all of the way. Scary.


Comments are welcome. However, being an ass may result in a horrible, albeit accidental, goring.