A Memo From the Rhino's Desk

Past One's Prime

2012-01-21T01:27:00.001-05:00

Can't write more about this right now. On the jobsPhone. Celebrating the Deputy Sheriff's birthday as only men can. Thinking about the connection between professional athletes and strippers. There is a very close correlation. I need to to expand upon this. Perhaps later this morning after another dose of ether. That will provide the necessary clarity that such a studious subject deserves.

Do you want to know more? Tell me in the comments.

Stuff Chicks Don't Grok

2012-01-08T22:54:00.001-05:00

There are so many things that chicks don't grok I decided to start making a list. This isn't just about the HLDW.

1. The Three Stooges. Note: any list of things that chicks don't get must start with an obligatory reference to The Three Stooges. That is the law. I can't change it. Nor do I want to.

2. That most meals can be eaten without using a plate or utensils for that matter.

3. That some bowel movements must be described, compared and discussed.

4. The first scratch of the morning is sublime.

5. Smashing the TV remote is, in fact, a very reasonable response to my Steelers losing in the playoffs.

6. Cigars are not cigarettes.

7. Just because I smile and hold the door for you doesn't mean that I'm a sexist pig and/or want to rape you. It just means that my mother raised me right.

8. Calling one's best friend "ass face" or any other pejorative term means the same thing as "I love you".

9. Phone calls can last less than 2 hours. The following can, and often does, constitute my side of a legitimate phone conversation and can convey a tremendous amount of information: "Rhino here" (pause) "Yeah" (pause) "OK" (pause) "Bye".

10.Flipping someone off in traffic is not only justified, but oftentimes necessary in order to teach the other drivers manners.

11. Why yes, I really do think that I'm still 22. Why do you ask?

12. No man EVER wants to be "just friends" with a woman. (I think that one is obligatory too).

13. "Nothing" is a legitimate response to the question, "What are you thinking about?"

What do you have to add?

The Tooth Fairy

2011-12-28T18:21:00.002-05:00

Conversation at the cigar shop today...

Red, (talking about his first child), "Will's got a loose tooth. He's 4."

Rhino, "Isn't that the time it happens?"

Red, "Around 5 or so usually."

Rhino, "Well, he's ahead of the curve."

Larry (whose children are all grown), "Now you get to be the Tooth Fairy."

Red, "I'm not anything with fairy in it."

Demetrious, (who has 5 young children), "You know the haul per tooth is $5.00 these days."

Larry, "If that's the case then I'd pull all of my teeth."

Odd conversations.

A Heartwarming Noel Anecdote

2011-12-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

The HLDW* and I spend Christmas Eve with our "Atlanta Family". Two guys, Larry and Demetrius, that I met at the cigar shop many years ago, and their wives and kids (and lots of other invited guests). I love these guys like brothers and they have awesome families. I've written about some of the dinners/parties we've had in the past - they are chefs and wine experts so any get together is amazing. What makes Christmas Eve even more special is that, in addition to the normally anticipated culinary goodness, Larry is of Italian extraction (the New Jersey kind - but not the trashy Jersey shore kind - more like the old school Frank Sinatra kind) and that means he does the traditional Feast of Seven Fishes. Platter after platter of fresh oceanic goodness - fried, baked, sauteed, etc., etc. The goodness goes on long into the night.

A couple of years ago Larry's parents, Pat and Jerry, and his brother came to town (they still live in New Jersey) for Christmas. Wonderful people. There were probably 40 or 50 people there that year. Several of us, including the HLDW, Larry's mom and his wife were sitting around one of the tables noshing on antipasto and drinking wine and the subject came up of Pat's fight with diabetes and ongoing complications that cost the loss of her leg earlier in the year. Hey, like I said, we're family, so what else should we be talking about on Christmas Eve? Anyway, Pat was doing well and the subject came and went.

What I should mention at this point is that Pat, as 60-something ladies do, was wearing a very "festive" Christmas sweater adorned with various and sundry buttons and pins with holiday pictures and greetings.

This is what followed:

HLDW, "Oh, Pat, I love your sweater and all of the buttons and pins."

Pat, "Thank you."

HLDW, "I love the Rudolph with the blinking nose!"

Pat, (pointing to a large white button with a green outline with a large red L in the center with a black diagonal line through it) "Do you know what this one means?"

I perk up at this as the HLDW has had a few glasses of wine at this point and she has the alcoholic constitution of a virgin on prom night so I can't wait to see what she is going to say.

I should learn that this desire is a very, very bad thing.

The earlier conversation must have been front and center in her mind because, with no hesitation whatsoever, the HLDW says, "No leg?"

OMG, did she just say that?!?!?!

Oh, yes, she did. She just said "no leg" to our host's mother.

The table goes silent.

I'm biting the inside of my cheek in a futile effort to keep a soul-ripping guffaw from bursting from my mouth. I can't help it. I start laughing hysterically. Everyone else, including Pat, start laughing too. The HLDW is sitting there in horror, turning crimson with embarrassment, as she realizes what she said.

HLDW, "Oh my god, oh my god." She is incapable of saying anything else at this point.

Time for The Rhino to step in and save the day.

Rhino, "Ummmm, honey, it means 'No L' ... Noel. Get it?"

HLDW, "Oh my god, I am so sorry! I thought it was for airport security or something to let them know you have a prosthetic leg."

This causes another round of uproarious laughter.

I, being the loving and supportive husband that I am, immediately called Larry over and said, "Hey, Larry, ask the HLDW what that button on your mom's sweater means."

Let's just say that at this point I learned that for a delicate flower the HLDW has one hell of a fast backhand.

Larry, of course, asked ...and the HLDW refused to respond. So, of course, Pat chimed in with 'no leg' which just caused an even louder round of laughter. Except for Larry, who was just confused. So, I explained and he laughed ... and immediately called his brother over for another round of "what does this button mean?".

This went on for pretty much the next half hour as person after person was brought in on the joke.

Thank goodness that Pat has a great sense of humor.

That story gets told every year. Another tradition.

It is good to be a Rhino with such heartwarming noel anecdotes.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Upcoming Rhino Bachelor Weekend

2011-12-07T18:34:00.001-05:00

Oh my ... the HLDW* is flying out tomorrow. She is going to Stowe, Vermont to officiate at the wedding of her best friend from college. She's amazing like that. The downside is that I can't go so I'm going to be on my own for four days.

Did I say downside? Ooops.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to see her being all beautiful (she's wearing Vera Wang <--- that's for all the female readers) and officious and such, and the wedding is being held at a beautiful inn and it should be a great party, but, as a consultant, I only get paid when I bill, and I loves me some revenue stream, so I'm staying home. Alone.

Well, not completely alone. My buddy Steve is going to visit. You remember Steve, right? My brother from another mother, all around great guy, High Times Cannabis Cup judge and manwich. He should keep me from getting into too much mischief while the HLDW is away.

Yeah, this guy:

That was taken during one of our cigar trips to Honduras. And, yes, he is starkers under that raft.

It is also Ellsworth's birthday - one of our buds (mates for the muppet readers) at the cigar shop - and everyone is planning to go out on Friday night to celebrate. Everyone. A lot of guys with money that like to have a good ol' time. There will be many fine cigars and oceans of liquor.

I can already feel the Id pounding at the doors of the mental vault raging to be let out. Free to rampage and pillage. I want to be strong. I do. But the whispering. Yes, the seductive whispering. It is powerful and such forces cannot be kept at bay forever. I am doomed and exultant.

I shall wear a kilt. Yes. That is the perfect attire for a weekend such as this.

All in all this is shaping-up to be the perfect storm of lost weekends.

I hope nobody brings ether. Again. Damn. Will an ether binge show up in piss tests? Just checkin'.

It remains to be seen whether or not it is good to be the bachelor weekend Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife.

The Rhino Gets Metaphysical and Stuff

2011-12-04T02:31:00.001-05:00

The HLDW* and I were about town today and she wanted to stop at a particularly large metaphysical bookstore. When we pulled into the parking lot the usual assortment of left leaning hybrids were present plastered with with the obligatory affirmation-type bumper stickers. I counted 13 "Coexist" bumper stickers alone.

The HLDW pointed one that she liked.

HLDW, "Oh, that one says 'It's not things in life that matter'. That's pretty good."

Rhino, "I would postulate that they just don't own the right things."

HLDW, "I might have to agree with you on that."

WHAT?!?! Have I lost my touch? I got zero rise from her with my comment and she AGREED with me. I must salvage this situation immediately.

Rhino, "Who are you? And, more importantly, what have you done with my wife?"

HLDW, "What are you talking about? Can't I agree with you?"

Rhino, "Of course you can, but I fully expected you to give me a lecture about my cravenly materialistic comment and attitude."

HLDW, "Well, it's good to know I can surprise you."

Rhino, "I'm still going to check the closets and under the bed for giant seed pods when we get home."

HLDW, "You are so odd."

Rhino, "You know I'm going to start dancing and chanting Hare Krishna when we go inside this place, right? Maybe I should go buy some flowers to sell before we go in."

I saw several emotions cross her beautiful, expressive face; shock, doubt, and then, the jackpot, the realization that the odds were pretty good that I would, in fact, attempt to convert an entire retail establishment into the folds of the Hare Krishnas.

HLDW, "Don't you dare."

Rhino, "No darling, I know you want me to be more spiritual and participate - I'll have the whole joint jumpin'. Not to mention that I might make a few bucks."

HLDW, "Maybe it would be better if you just stayed out here and smoked a cigar."

Rhino, "Well, will wonders never cease as it is now my turn to agree with you. Besides, my orange robes are at the cleaners."

HLDW, "You are impossible."

Rhino, "Oh, and if you see any 'My things are way better than your things and that make me feel superior' bumper stickers in there grab one for me OK?"

She sauntered off to do whatever it is she does in places like that. Me, I found out that I wasn't losing my touch and got to enjoy a nice stogie on a sunny, crisp autumn day. And the goodness didn't stop there as there was an even bigger payoff coming my way. Wayyyy better than the whole chanting thing woulda' been. Did you know that the sight of a very large man smoking a cigar and blowing smoke rings will cause people with 'coexist' bumper stickers to glare pure death at said cigar smoker? I didn't ... but I do now.

Coexist my ass.

I think I just found my new outdoor cigar lounge.

It is good to be the spiritually superior Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Rhino Alpha Male Pheromones

2011-12-01T21:51:00.001-05:00

Something kinda' odd has been happening lately and I'm not sure what is going on.

I work in a tower that is part of the Atlanta Marriott Marquis complex. There are two office towers flanking the hotel and the company that I am working for occupies most of the one tower as it is next door to their HQ. The hotel is between my parking garage and office so it is very convenient to use the hotel as a shortcut - keeps me out of the weather and cuts out a fair amount of walking. The hotel is the largest in Atlanta and home to DragonCon. Fifty stories tall and is very beautiful as the atrium extends all 50 floors. A couple of pics:

Anyway, this isn't Architectural Digest so bear with me.

The odd thing that I've noticed is the amount of attention I garner while walking through the hotel each day. The employees seem to go out of their way to say hello or ask me how I'm doing. I always respond with, "Outstanding" and ask how they are doing as well. At first I chalked it up to them doing the hospitality thing, thinking I might be a guest. But I started to pay attention and I noticed that even when I am walking in the midst of a group of people they would single me out. I walk through at 2 of the busier times of the day - morning when people are checking out and late afternoon when people/groups are checking in. Several people walk past the concierge and other front desk worker bees without them saying a word but as soon as I get in earshot there is a steady barrage of, "How are you today sir?". Why me? It's not like I'm dressed in a suit or something ... work is business casual.

One of the funniest responses was from a group of porters - as I walked by one of them asked me how I was doing and I responded, per usual, "Outstanding, and you?" and his response was "blessed by the best.

Why does this happen?

It isn't because I walk around with a big slobbering welcoming smile on my mug. Because I don't. I'm a focused kind of urban guy and I'm very conscious of my personal space. It isn't because of my sartorial splendor - unless khakis and button down shirts are exciting the masses these days. Don't get me wrong, I make khaki look good and my rhino-like physique is displayed to its virile best wrapped in super soft cotton (the HLDW* makes sure that I only buy the best shirts).

Applying my mighty intellect and Occam's Razor ( the simplest answer is often correct) to the problem I concluded that it must be due to my incredible Rhino Alpha Male Pheromones. Since I walk a block or so before entering the back entrance of the hotel I'm sure that I'm releasing a ton of super rhino musk that gets blown ahead of me due to the change of air pressure as I walk through the automatic doors. Since the scent precedes me by a few meters it acts on any beta male in my presence and they defer to my natural rhino magnificence.

It also explains why that gaggle of maid staff were undressing me with their eyes today. Harlots. The lot of them.

It is good to be the walking pheromone factory Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Soup Weather

2011-11-30T13:51:00.001-05:00

I was on a roll with 2 bitch-fest posts in a row. The HLDW* called me out on it last night, "Ummmm, just read your blog. Wow, two angry posts in a row, huh? What's that about?".

My response, "Huh? No clue".

The truth of the matter is that I've not really been all that angry lately - quite the opposite actually. Had a great Thanksgiving holiday and am looking forward to Christmas. The HLDW has a cold right now, but overall her health has been improving. Some budget pressures - nothing that can't be handled though - the HLDW is going to perform the wedding service for her best friend from college. He and his partner are getting married in Stowe, VT the weekend of December 10th so the HLDW has had to purchase a dress from the Vera Wang collection (Wang - heh heh heh), pay for the plane ticket, pay for the Inn, pay for the license to perform the ceremony, etc., etc. I can't get away from work so she is going it alone this time.

I think I've caught her cold. My rhino-like constitution usually shrugs stuff like this off but I'll be upping the water consumption over the next couple of days to flush it out.

Chilly here today - perfect soup weather - so I whipped up a batch of butternut squash soup tonight. Pretty simple recipe.

I saute a few cups of mirepoix (onions, carrots and celery) in olive oil in a large soup pot until the onions are translucent. Season with salt, black pepper and I like to add cayenne for a little oomph.

Add several cups of diced butternut squash and let that saute for a few minutes with the mirepoix. I layer in another round of salt, pepper and cayenne.

Add stock (I use vegetable stock since the HLDW is a vegetarian but chicken stock works great) until the squash is covered. Add additional seasoning as desired. I like to add garlic powder, rosemary and some nutmeg. Also, add salt and pepper to taste. Bring to a boil and then lower heat and simmer for around 40 minutes or until the squash is very tender. Stir occasionally.

Remove from heat and use a hand blender to puree the soup until smooth. If you don't have a hand blender you can use a regular blender ... do a couple cups at a time.

I then add coconut milk to make it creamy. You can also use heavy cream ... but the HLDW is trying to stay away from dairy, hence the use of coconut milk. Heat gently and serve.

There you go ... a nice post full of deliciousness. Karma has been balanced.

I might make taco soup this weekend. Yum.

Yeah, it is good to be a cookin' Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Politcs - Yours Suck

2011-11-29T21:05:00.001-05:00

Political discussions make me want to put my fingers in my ears and shout, "LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA" and run from the room.

I wasn't always like this. Once, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was a political science major. I reveled in the study of the machinations of man as political animal. I loved to talk, long into the night, about all things political. Now, not so much. Your sheer suckitude has caused me to despise that which I once thought I'd study for life.

I hate you for sucking so much that you could make me, one of the most stubborn bastards to tread Terra Firma, turn my back on something that I love out of sheer frustration and rage.

The problem here is that your politics, in whatever form they take; any thoughts, any ideas, any regurgitated soundbites cribbed from whatever liberal or conservative source you suckle at just truly and endlessly suck.

You know who you are...

You don't discuss ... You preach.

You don't listen ... You talk over.

You don't acknowledge ... You dismiss out of hand.

Fuck you.

Your politics suck.

Now quick blowin' sour wind in my ear hole or I'll give you an up close and personal reason to discuss the pros/cons of universal emergency healthcare.

A Bit of Bile Spewing in Spite of the Season

2011-11-26T22:39:00.001-05:00

Been some changes around Chateau Rhino recently. What follows is some bile that I've been holding onto for a couple of months. I've gone back and forth about posting this, since it is Thanksgiving and I'm supposed to be filled with bonhomie and all that, but what the hell.

When I wrote about the Dragonfly Apocalypse I was in Florida taking a few days off after being "laid off" from my last job. Won't mention any names, etc. No inkling that it was coming. A Sr VP that had been around for 6 months or so decided to sack the entire team working for the client that accounts for 40% of the revenue of the company. There wasn't an economic reason to reduce staffing, this went down about a week after they signed a new contract with the client and my position was paid for for the foreseeable future, essentially he just wanted to put his own guys on the account. Not only did he dump me but he also dumped the guy who brought the client to the table 5 or so years ago and is one of a couple of guys that really "knows" the code. My boss in England was dumped (well, they held onto him for a couple of months to transition) and one other person as well. I hear that they've just forced the other engineer that "knows" the code out as well. This does not bode well for the client as things were held together with spit and baling wire in the best of times. No transition whatsoever. Completely classless.

I've been on both sides of the table in these kinds of situations but this is the first time I've ever been a victim of cronyism. What a fuckhead - taking someone's livelihood away from them in the 4th quarter during one of the worst economies ever. There are legitimate reasons to reduce headcount. I know that - but this was not business ... it was personal.

This is directed to the fuckhead: I will never, ever forgive the 4 weeks of anxiety you put my wife through you squat, syphilitic, piece of shit excuse for a human being. I could smell the stink of fear on you when you stood there, all 5' 4" of you, looking up at me after our little one-on-one. How did it feel to know that you were looking into the abyss and that if I wanted to I could have cracked your spine like a piece of balsa wood. You should thank whatever demons you sold your soul to that I care more for my family than I do about acting on my impulses. You don't know how close you came to being dismantled in the most painful of ways that day. I won't ever forget you and you had better pray that we never cross paths again. It is a small world.

I'm sure that a few of my former teammates will read this. You need to know that there are further plans for changes that will reduce costs. Don't kid yourselves - no one is safe. Not anyone.

Don't worry about me though. After I got back from Florida I connected with my old recruiting contacts and soon thereafter I picked up a great gig. Also, the company I formed with my partners has been picking up some steam and I believe that after the new year things are going to take off on that front.

Anyway, the bile has been purged. Karma is a bitch and I wish that I could be a spectator when it comes to roost.

It is good to be the Resourceful Rhino.

The Dragonfly Apocalypse Begins

2011-10-08T17:16:00.004-04:00

At the beach for the last few days. While having my morning tea and cigar on the balcony overlooking the surf this morning I had a visitor. A very large dragonfly landed on my leg and just sat there. I put my finger near its front legs to see what it would do ... And it reached out with its two front legs and rested them on my thumb. Cheeky little bastard, not intimidated in the least. Game on little dragonfly - let's see who gives in first.

Sat that way for awhile so I decided to up the ante and reached out and patted his head with my index finger - figuring that would get him to fly away. Nope. Little guy just smiled at me with that idiot dragonfly grin. Alrighty then, what next? The wings. Reached out and started stroking his wings. No reaction and I think the little bastard enjoyed it. His tail might have wagged once or twice.I couldn't decide if this was the bravest or most idiotic dragonfly in existence.

It was a beautiful experience and it ended in the only way that it could - with him squashed under my sandal. I couldn't let that little bastard get back to the main swarm and report in that he landed on The Rhino and that said Rhino was all soft and and cuddly and merciful. No, all that would do is send a signal to the rapacious dragonfly hordes that the rest of the human race was ripe for the plucking.Saving the human race before I finished my tea and cigar - it is no wonder that I'm a literary action hero (plug: pre-order Angels of Vengeance by John Birmingham on Amazon for my next adventure).

It is good to be the beach-combing, saving the world before breakfast Rhino.

HASTY EDIT: the HLDW* just read this and threatened to comment and tell the truth. I didn't squash the little idiot. We just sat there for 20 more minutes after I petted him some more and he flew off. Probably getting ready to lead the invasion as we speak. You guys are fucked ... I'm obviously beloved of the dragonflies and will be crowned the new king.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Rhino Advice and Opinions - Come Get Some

2011-07-22T10:48:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, your beloved Rhino is a veritable font of wisdom and paragon of virtue. Instinctively, men and women recognize this on a subconscious level often approach me for advice, guidance and my opinions on a wide variety of topics - I'm talking about complete strangers as well as acquaintances here. Don't get me wrong, this attraction could be attributed to my rugged good looks and easy going personality ... but it is usually the font and paragon thingy. I've been asked about everything from relationships, current events, politics to personal finances.

I've decided to extend the benefit of my worldly experience to the blogsphere as well. I've wanted to increase my blog production and this seems like a good way to do it. Win-Win for all.

This is what we are going to do - you post your questions in the comments and I will respond. The subject can be about anything at all - ask for my opinion or advice. As I do in life I will be utterly honest; if I haven't a clue, I will tell you. If you are being an idiot, I will tell you. I'm not going to debate trolls - my opinion is just that and not subject to debate.

What makes me qualified to do this? Besides just being The Rhino you mean? Stupid question, move on.

See how that works?

Let's get this started. Who will take the plunge?

Quality Vs Quantity

2011-07-09T20:16:00.000-04:00

So, the HLDW* and I are driving home this evening after dinner (I had a great Cuban Torta by the by) and she is telling me something about her budding social media business. She is planning some events for a friend of ours that own's a jewelry store and she was telling me about some upcoming things.

HLDW, "... and in November we're going to have a Men's event."

Rhino, "You should talk to the cigar shop about holding it as a co-event." (There is a cigar shop a few doors down from the jewelry store).

HLDW, "We already thought of doing that. I told you about that before."

Rhino, "I didn't remember."

HLDW, "Why don't you remember stuff? I remember all of the stuff you tell me."

Rhino, "That is because I deliver my stuff in small, quality-filled packets that are easily retained. If I were to remember everything that you tell me my hard drive capacity would be overwhelmed."

HLDW, "Are you saying that what I say isn't quality?"

Rhino, "Not at all. What I'm saying is that you say a lot of things, some of which are quality, but the sheer quantity of stuff forces me to sift through it all and discard that which isn't quality thereby ensuring that I retain enough brain capacity to continue my autonomic functions."

HLDW, "Oh, so I talk to much?"

Rhino, "I'm not saying that either. I suspect that you talk an average amount for an intelligent, well spoken woman."

HLDW, "So, the average woman speaks to much and what she does say has a low degree of quality - is that what you are saying?"

Rhino, "I didn't say that, and, most fortuitously for me, I don't need to now as you just did. However, I am forced to concur with your well thought out position in this matter."

HLDW, "You are such a smart-ass."

Rhino, "But I will remember your quality assessment of the quantitative versus qualitative aspects of female speaking."

It is good to be the qualitatively loquacious Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Mmmmm Good Cigar

2011-07-09T14:40:00.001-04:00

A friend gave this to me last night - a La Unica 100 that had been aging in his humidor for 5 or 6 years.

A beautiful 8.5 x 52 hunk of goodness. It was covered with plume (or bloom as some say). For you non-aficionados out there plume is a fine white powder that forms on cigars whenever they are aged properly - the oils in the cigar react with the humid air. That is a wonderful sign when you find that. Some people think it is mold but they would be mistaken.

While I mostly enjoy heavier cigars this was a very nice, light and airy smoke. Loose bundled with a very nice draw. Would go well with a Sapphire and Tonic or a white wine. At 8.5 inches it was also a longer (time, not physical length) smoke and was very even throughout.

And, yes, it is displayed on my OFFICIAL Jack Bauer "Jack Sack" in which I carry various and sundry implements of destruction.

It is good to be The Rhino with buddies that appreciate the finer things in life, know how to care for their cigars and, even better, share the wealth.

Coined a New Rhino Term Today

2011-06-29T21:16:00.001-04:00

Coined a new term today...

lieBooking - the act of downloading free classic books that will never be read to your iBook library in order to "class-up" your bookshelf should anyone happen see it.

Feel free to use it.

So, You Wanna' Work from Home?

2011-06-28T17:59:00.000-04:00

By far the most common reaction I get from people when I tell them that I work from my home office is some variation of "how awesome". I was thinking about it today and, like most things in life, there are good things and bad things about it, so, in the interest of science, I decided to capture some of the upside and downside of it for the curious amongst you. I'm going to leave some details out - the interwebz being what they are I have to protect what little bit of privacy one can have in this day and age. I know, I know, you're thinking, "But, Rhino, you are a literary action hero, you belong to an adoring public, we must know all about you to make us feel complete." Sorry. (However, my next post will give you some insight into the life of said literary action star).

My current job is the very model of the internet age:

I am employed by an Irish technology company.
I work from my home office.
My boss lives in England.
I "project manage" (read no direct line of authority) a distributed, multi-national group of people in Sri Lanka, Ireland and the U.S.
The client is a very large U.S.-based corp that also works on a distributed basis - with tech resources in India.

So, to start with the upside or the downside? Let's go with the upside as most of them are what you probably already suspect:

The Upside of Working from Home

No commute. Unless you count walking down the stairs from the bedroom to my office as being a commute. Yes, I have rolled-out of bed at 7:45 am for an 8:00 am meeting. I do not recommend making a habit of doing so.
No annoying co-workers mucking about bothering me when I'm in the middle of something, or selling me Girl Scout cookies or raffle tickets, etc.
Also with regard to said lack of co-workers - no loud talkers, annoyingly over-sprayed with perfume ladies, no sociopathic mumblers.
The dress code is optional. And I mean just that - it is completely optional as to whether or not I wear clothes. I'm kidding - the HLDW insists that, at the very least, I wear a loincloth. If I don't then I'm not allowed to sit on the furniture.
I can take the laptop out to the deck and work from there while taking a tea & cigar break whenever I feel the need.
I can work from anywhere that has a dependable WiFi connection - so, on days that I don't have a lot of calls scheduled I can work from the cigar shop.
The freedom. I don't have to worry about sticking to someone else's arbitrary scheduling of lunches, etc. No one is looking over my shoulder making sure that I get things done.
The little day to day cultural stuff ... like I now know to ask "what's the craic?" when I talk to the Irish guys. That's just one example.

Now, for the downside. You would be surprised - there are some downsides to this.

The Downside to Working at Home

Working with a multinational team means doing the time zone shuffle. 2 days a week I have a 6:30 am ET team status call. So much for sleeping in.
Also, due to time zone differentials, I often check in around midnight ET with the team as they are starting their day. That's a really, really bad habit.
Point number 2 leads into this one - the bleeding of personal and professional time. In an office, I could walk out and leave it until the next morning. For some reason, that changes when you work at home. Calls can come at any hour of the day or night. Don't get me wrong, there are boundaries that need to be kept, but it is so, so easy to be pulled into the office to "check on things".
Remember that lack of co-workers upside? Yeah, there's a downside to that too. Maybe the biggest downside. No bodies means not seeing body language during conversations. I live on the phone, email and intant messaging/VOIP via Skype. Great tools, but, sometimes you just need to be able to sit down across from someone and look them in the eye. Also, people will say things in email that would never leave their mouths in a face-to-face meeting. Or, better yet, they tend to go to DefCon 1 in a heartbeat and at the slightest provocation. Worst of all, I believe that 60% of conference call time is spent in clarifications and/or asking people to repeat themselves or go on mute because there is noise on the line. And, sometimes, I just get lonely. .
The freedom. Yeah, because no one is looking over my shoulder I have to be a real adult and get stuff done. I don't know if this is really a downside or not. For some people it might be.
You think the office environment is a cultural, political correctness minefield? Now take that and multiply by 100. It takes a little while to understand the subtle cultural quirks - especially hard if you never see people in person. Did you know that Sri Lankans get the day of the full moon off every 28 days? Yeah, neither did I. Now I do. And I can tell you all about a whole bunch of other holidays too.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't go into this as a completely typically naive ugly american. This experience just takes all of the stuff to another level.

I guess the thing that you learn in all of this is that people are just people no matter where they hang their hat. They pretty much want the same thing - respect, a few bucks in their pocket to take care of their families, to have a laugh or two, and, particularly for the Irish, to have another pint.

The weirdest quirk that I've picked up is hearing myself say "cheers" whenever I hang up the phone. Sounds pretentious as hell for a hardscrabble Rhino such as yours truly.

If you are ever in Columbo, Sri Lanka and you see a group of nerdy engineering types drinking beers and overhear them saying "You don't get these from pettin' kitty cats." and laughing their asses off - well, you can blame that on me.

Yahtzee as a Mirror of the Male Ego

2011-04-17T22:17:00.001-04:00

The HLDW* and I had dinner guests this Saturday evening past. A grand time was had by all. Chef Rhino prepared breaded and baked goat cheese medallions, roasted portabella mushrooms stuffed with eggplant, spinach, tomato, artichokes, mozzarella and parmesan cheeses, roasted fingerling potatoes with carmelized leeks, string beans with roasted garlic and pacific cod stuffed with crab. Dessert was a chocolate and almond tart. Food was accompanied by many, many bottles of vino.

After dinner we repaired to the veranda for digestifs, cigars and conversation. With dinner pleasantly digested we decided to play a board game so I pulled out Yahtzee - which is a classic and if you don't know what it is I pity you and you need to stop reading and go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yahtzee and then come back.

There are several unwritten rules for Yahtzee around the 'official' scoring sheets that come with the game. Each sheet can record 6 complete games (A Yahtzee match if you will). The very first thing that you do when you lay hands on a virgin scoring sheet is to write your name at the top. That way, if you don't play all 6 games in one sitting, you can use the same sheet another time - it is part of the unwritten rules and it's just good karma, especially if you are on a winning streak. Of course, if you have a losing streak, it kind of sucks to have to look at your pathetic scores. I wouldn't much know about that losing thing as I am The Rhino and that implies that I am consistently good at pretty much everything that I do.

The unwritten rules for scoring sheets are simple:

1. You cannot take a new scoring sheet until you have completely filled in scores for all 6 games. Only then can your scoring sheet be retired. Retired does not mean discarded. All retired sheets must be kept in the Yahtzee box forever. So, if you have not played in a long while that means that you are honor and duty bound to go through all of the retired and partially used scoring sheets in the box on the off-chance that you might find one that you started but didn't finish in a previous game.

2. You must never, ever use another's score sheet. To foul the purity of the Yahtzee experience by using another's partially completed score sheet is just gauche. It doesn't matter that you are out of 'official' scoring sheets and the only one that you can find that has any blank columns was last used by half-blind and fully deaf aunt Bertie back on Thanksgiving 1997. The fact that she'll never use it again because she is now rotting in some nursing home with no hope of ever rolling the Yahtzee dice in this life doesn't matter - you do not, repeat do not, ever use that scoring sheet. Consider it retired. It just isn't done. At least it isn't in genteel societies. I have heard through the Yahtzee grapevine that reusing other's scoring sheets is done as a matter of course in France, Iran and North Korea. That should tell you everything you need to know about that sordid practice and the people that partake in it. ::shudder::

So, we sat down and began. All of the players were new, and per the rules, were permitted to use a virgin scoring sheet. We took a moment to reverently write our names in the space provided and began the first round. As I sat waiting for my turn I looked at the other player's sheets and it immediately struck me that I was being presented with yet another example of the gulf between men and women with respect to how they perceive themselves.

Each of the women playing had written their christian names in the space provided. Some had written christian and surname, some had written just christian. No embellishments. Direct. Straightforward. So, metaphorically, in the future when they looked for their partially used scorecard they are going to be looking for "themselves". Annette. Autumn (The HLDW*). It doesn't matter. For the women, going through the scoring sheets in some future game will be a simple process. I see my name, that must be my sheet.

The men, on the other hand, an entirely different approach. Every man, with no exception, had added some sort of modifier or embellishment to their name. Hell, most of them didn't even bother to use their actual name but rather some bastardized version thereof. For instance, Larry wrote a bastardized version of his surname along with the an adjective, e.g., Big Espo, in the name space of his scoring sheet. Because I'm using him as an example, you've probably already guessed that Larry is not a very physically imposing guy. He's medium build. But in his mind he is "Big Espo". He doesn't identify himself as Larry but as BIG ESPO. So, the next time we play he won't be looking it doesn't matter what he wrote in the name space as he won't be looking for generic "Larry". If he doesn't remember what name he wrote down on his scoring sheet the next time we play it won't matter because as soon as he sees Big Espo on one of the scoring sheets he'll know that it's his. Who else could it be? It's obvious. He's Big Espo.

I think that this behavior resides in the same part of the brain that appreciation for TheThree Stooges does. Guys who read this will get it. Women can't because they just don't process "self" in the same way. In men's minds we are all just naturally 'bigger' than real life, heroes of some sort. It just wouldn't occur to a woman to write "Hawt Brenda" or "Babelicious Angela" on their score sheet - even if it was true.

I think that I was the only guy that actually wrote the truth on their score sheet: The Rhino, Emperor of Yahtzee and Master of All Who Shall Touch the Holy Dice.

And, yes, of course I won you silly bastards.

It's good to be the awesome host, amateur chef and wily Yahtzee strategist Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Addendum: Australia from a Seppo Perspective

2011-04-12T00:01:00.004-04:00

For my Aussie mates.

For most people Australia is a land of mystery. A land of men who wear military shorts and like to dick around with live crocodiles. People boxing kangas and eating vegemite and then chunder-ing. Oh, and shrimp. On barbies. Lots of very large shrimp on barbies.

Found this today and I think it pretty well sums up how most people that have never been there envision Oz.

No wonder Havock always wants to cap some muppets.

You are hard, hard people.

Just the kind that the Rhino likes.

Addendum the Second - The lethality of Oz must be in the collective unconscious this week as I found the following on GraphJam this morning:

Addendum the First: While we're on the subject of Oz and her people ... I check out io9 every day for geek stuff and for the last week or so every time I click on a story I see the following in the io9 on Facebook advert:

Of the 57,663 people that like io9 on Facebook I get to see Mr. Barnes looking at me.

WHY ARE YOU WATCHING ME?!?!?!?

A Most Literary HLDW

2011-03-17T00:15:00.000-04:00

The HLDW* and I were on our way to dinner tonight at our fave Chinese joint. Hardly hear any english spoken in the joint - that's how you know it's good. Sichuan crispy shredded beef, pan fried dumplings and hot & sour soup for the Rhino.

Anyway, we're riding along chatting about our day and the HLDW mentions that she finished a book and that it was pretty good. It was a fantasy thing - I can say that I've ever remember her reading anything in that genre so I was quite surprised. The conversation, as you can imagine, stumbled down what should now be a familiar path to regular readers.

HLDW, "Yeah, that was a really, really good book."

Rhino, "What was it about?"

HLDW, "Well, it was a fantasy, young adult I think, about this girl who is a half-angel."

Rhino, "What was good about it?"

HLDW, "I don't usually read stuff like that, I just enjoyed it."

Rhino, "Was it chock full of explodey goodness?"

HLDW, "No."

Rhino, "Did it have aliens?"

HLDW, "No."

Rhino, "Did she have a cool gun or a sword?"

HLDW, "No."

Rhino, "Was there kung fu?"

HLDW, "No."

Rhino, "Were there space marines?"

HLDW, "No"

Rhino, "Zombies?"

HLDW, "No."

Rhino, "Post-apocalyptic warlords?"

HLDW, "No"

I can feel her patience slipping and, honestly, I can't believe she has let me go on so long without shutting me down.

I should probably shut up at this point and let her tell the story.

Probably.

Oh, what the hell, I just had to see if I could get in some more stuff...

Rhino, "Doesn't sound like much of a good book so far. How about an action hero by name of Rhino? Surely there had to be one of those?"

HLDW, (laughing) "Absolutely not."

Rhino, "Hmmmm, well, how about hordes of demon hosts - surely a story about a half-angel had to have some demon hosts?"

HLDW, "Well, there were some things call Dark Wings."

Rhino, "Demons?"

HLDW, "Actually, people that are half angels too, only fallen angels.

Rhino, "No satanic hordes or maybe the big guy himself?"

HLDW, "No. But the fallen angels went to hell. For 10 minutes. And Satan is a fallen angel."

Rhino, "Whoa nelly, 10 whole minutes in hell? You don't say."

HLDW, "Well, it is hell."

Rhino, "10 entire minutes in hell. Huh? Sounds like a couple of meetings I've been in. Maybe I'm one of those Dark Wing thingys.

HLDW, "I wouldn't doubt it."

Rhino, "Well, was there at least some fighting?"

HLDW, "Oh, yeah."

Rhino, "But I thought you said that there wasn't any kung fu."

HLDW, "There wasn't - she hit someone."

Rhino, "With what, her halo?"

HLDW, "No, with her fist."

Rhino, "Well, that's something at least. Does she have any kind of angel powers?"

HLDW, "Yes."

Rhino, "Now we're getting somewhere. Did she smite anyone?"

HLDW, "I wouldn't call it smiting. She had this glory power."

Rhino, "That isn't a power, that's hymn singing. What did it do?"

HLDW, "It was a light that hurt the Dark Wings."

Rhino, "Like an anti-demon laser? I should have asked about gadgets. So, the demons exploded? I thought you said there weren't any explosions."

I can tell that she had zero clue that the conversation was going to go this way and she's about to lose it. But, hey, she's the one that said yes that day by the lake when I got down on one knee, so caveat emptor and all that.

HLDW, "They turned to dust."

Rhino, (disappointed) "ohhhh. I see."

HLDW, "She did rip the ear off of one of them."

Rhino, "oooooo torture. You should have mentioned that at the beginning. Was it Jack Bauer style with a really nice knife?"

HLDW, "Actually, I think it was an accident. The Dark Wings can't stand the touch of the half angels."

Rhino, "An accident? No cutting off of heads? That's what I would do."

HLDW, "No decapitations."

Rhino, "Nope, only deauristations."

HLDW, "Deauristatations?"

Rhino, "Well, if decapitation is derived from the latin word for head, capus, then I would assume that the word to cut off someone's ear must use the latin word for ear which is auris hence deauristation."

HLDW, "You just made that up."

Rhino, "Nope. All those years of latin, my dear. I can still decline it if you'd like".

HLDW, "I decline your declension."

Rhino, (over top of her bon mot) "Capus, capi, capo, capum, capo, capi, caporum, capis, capos, capis. See, I still have it. Magister Burns would be proud"

HLDW, "Oh, yeah, you have something all right."

By now we are pulling into the parking lot and the conversation takes a time out as we make our way into the restaurant and to our table. We sit, settle in and order. We're regulars and the wait staff knows us so we don't look at the menu anymore.

"Rhino, "So, did I hear you mention earlier that you finished a new book today?"

HLDW, "You are such an ass."

Rhino, "Ohhhh looky, soup."

Dinner was delightful as was the company.

It is good to be the stuffed full of dumplings, married to a literate woman Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

The Look

2011-03-03T16:17:00.001-05:00

I'm one of those lucky people that get to work from their home office. I work some odd hours since I work with people from the U.S., Ireland, England and Sri Lanka - so, due to the time zone shuffle, my days start early and I often work late in the evening. Skype is my best friend.

Working at home affords me a great degree of flexibility. Flexibility is a nice way of saying that there are very few to no Human Resources rules in place at Chateau Rhino. One of the areas covered, or rather not covered, is dress code. I tend to work in sweat pants or shorts depending on the time of the year. Shirt is optional. And, since I don't need to maintain my oh so touchable curls in a short, office appropriate professional douche style, I've let it grow out and, unless I have to go out, the brushing of said oh so touchable curls is optional. I also tend to run my fingers through my hair when I'm thinking or wanting to pull it out in frustration when I'm on the phone. The result is a very nice "homeless vagrant crossed with a mad scientist" look. I'm thinking of adding a scruffy robe to finish off the ensemble. Then again, maybe not. I don't want to be outre.

Anyway, this thing has a camera ... and today is a prime example - so, through the wonders of technology your get to see for yourself - the following was taken in my office moments ago:

Hey, at least I'm wearing a shirt today.

Now, all of this is well and good from a comfort perspective. For me that is. Not so good for the poor soul that walks by or, gods forbid, the odd service industry person (FedEx, UPS, Meter Readers, Etc) actually crosses the moat and passes through the gates of the Chateau to knock on the front door.

I may have mentioned in passing that I enjoy fine cigars in moderation. And, by moderation I mean Rhino moderation which equates to 3 or 4 times a day. I especially like a nice cigar with my tea in the morning. I puff away on the front porch with my laptop and read the mountain of overnight email from off-shore before I have to join my first conference call. It is during this wondrous zen time that some old-timer inevitably rolls by on their doctor mandated morning constitutional, waves at me (this is The South, y'all), slows down, gets a good look at me in all my scruffy, half-dressed glory, at which time they grace me with "The Look".

"The Look" is best described as the look of confusion, quickly morphing into disdain, on the face of an old person whenever they see an able bodied man at home, in his pajamas, sitting on a porch and smoking a cigar at the time of day when most of the world is sitting in traffic on the way to their respectable jobs. Obviously, I must be a layabout of some kind - what kind of man sits on his porch in his Pj's when they should be off makin' the bacon? Why isn't that man AT WORK?!?!?! Must be an alcoholic. A wife beater. High on "the marijuana". A monkey raper. Definitely not a respectable member of society.

Younger people have a different version of "The Look". It is more akin to pity. They figure I must be one of the legion of unemployed that they keep reading about on the interwebs. Today, the UPS man came to the house. The Fat Red Dog and the SchizoDoodle were in the front yard so, to be polite, I walked out to the driveway to meet him halfway lest he be licked to death by the canines of love. Imagine his delight; watching me trundle his way in my slippers, Pittsburgh Steelers pajama pants, Polo t-shirt and mad scientist hair while smoking a cigar. I greeted him with a "how ya' doin?" and took the package. He gave me the up and down, face transitioning to "The Look", gave me the "good ... you?", didn't wait for my response and walked back to his truck. Probably didn't want to hear a tale of woe.

One time, in a moment of weakness, I made the mistake of calling after one of these guys, "Hey, I work from home." What the hell was that? A desire to be acknowledged as a productive member of society? HEY, LOOK AT ME ... I'm employed ... I make THREE TIMES your salary when you have a good 'overtime' year. I'm someone. I count.

I don't do that anymore. I'm ashamed of that one moment of weakness. I generally don't give a rat's ass what people think, The Rhino is a literary action hero for fuck's sake. But, that one time, for some reason, "The Look" just got to me.

So, now, if I get "The Look" I'll mumble something about retirement, interwebs startup framistams or some such thing. Give 'em the whole eccentric rich guy vibe.

But you gotta' have the hair to pull it off.

It is good to be the scruffy yet gainfully employed Rhino.

EDIT

The HLDW insisted that I share a pic of a properly coiffured Rhino

Still not that pretty ... but still. And, yes, that was taken at my 'other' office - the Cigar shop.

So Much Joy

2011-02-26T23:29:00.001-05:00

Haven't shared an HLDW* conversation lately. Here is one that we had whilst driving home after eating Mexican food the other night - she was in a particularly sweet and complimentary mood. Fresh, crunchy nacho chips and cheese dip with jalapeños just does that for some people.

HLDW, "It gives me great joy to be married to you. I hope I give that same amount of joy."

OK, this is where you are thinking, "ahhhh what a sweet woman she is - he really doesn't deserve her" and you'd be right. And, despite the number of times that I've done it and it has ended badly for me, I cannot resist the opportunity to get a rise out of the HLDW when she lobs this sort of thing my way.

Rhino, "Well. That would be statistically impossible."

You'd think that she would have learned by now that she's traded wedding vows with a snarky, somewhat sociopathic asshole and know to stop - but no, she can't help herself. She has to ask. I secretly think that it is almost like watching a car crash for her. It is horrifying, but she can't look away.

HLDW, "What do you mean?"

Rhino, "What I mean is that as far as the 'someone who is a joy to be with' bell curve I would be the single data point at the farthest right side of the curve. I mean, I'm a pretty amazing husband."

HLDW, "And?"

Rhino, "And, the next data point down, whoever that could possibly be in the world, could therefore not provide me with as much joy as I am able to provide to them."

HLDW, "I see. And what do you mean by "whoever that could possibly be" comment?"

Rhino, "Well, let's be honest, I'm not working with a complete sample here. Not everyone in the world has had the opportunity to bring me joy yet. So, by sheer chance, it could, very possibly, be you."

HLDW, "That's comforting."

Rhino, "So, to summarize, even though we are not working with a complete sample, it brings me a great amount of joy to be married to you."

HLDW, "Wow, you should check where you stand on the dumb ass bell curve."

Rhino, (mumbling) "I'd like to see Jennifer Garner's bell curve."

HLDW, "What was that?"

Rhino, "I love you."

HLDW, "Yeah, I love you too ... Ben."

Damn, when did she get super hearing?

Always full of surprises she is, my joyful little datapoint.

As always, it is good to be the statistical Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Rhino Love Takes Prep - Valentine's Day Present Option

2011-02-03T15:46:00.003-05:00

Came across (no pun intended) this Demotivational Poster this morning and, whilst it is meant as comedy, there is much truth to be found here as well.

I know that the HLDW* will appreciate receiving athletic equipment for Valentine's Day this year.

She'll be cool with that. After all, my uncanny sense of what she wants is always on target. Isn't it?

Maybe I should tie a rose or two to it. What do you think? I'm a romantic bastard.

Yeah, I'll get her two of these Shake Weight thingys. True love.

I'll let you guys know how this works out ... works out .... get it? Get it?

Whew, I kill me.

It is good to be the Rhino ... and, it'll be even better 6 months after Valentine's Day if I'm lucky.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

For the Record

2011-01-29T03:05:00.000-05:00

For the record. The HLDW left today to go to a workshop. She won't be back until next Friday. I already miss her so much that it hurts. As a literary action hero I will suffer in silence. I just wanted to get that down somewhere semi-permanent. That is all. It is not so good to be a sleeping alone except for the big fat red dog who hogs the bed Rhino.

I've Witnessed a Miracle

2011-01-22T00:46:00.001-05:00

Back in February I vented my anger and grief on this blog in a post about a good friend that had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. You can read the post here: http://rhinorog.blogspot.com/2010/02/rage-rage-against-dying-of-light.html

Soon after I wrote that post my friend Clint was sent home from the hospital to die with a diagnosis of glassy carcinoma of the lungs. He was on oxygen pretty much all of the time and sleeping a lot. He held court as friend after friend came by to say goodbye. He began giving away many of his earthly possessions. A couple of weeks later he became so weak that he was moved to a hospice to finish his wait for the Grim Reaper. We were told that it would be a matter of days. I went to visit him, expecting to find him wasted and on the verge of death. Instead, I found him sitting in a chair on the little patio outside of his room, smoking a cigar. He was weak and prone to falling asleep but seemed to be hanging in despite everyone's expectation that he was going to die soon. The doctors and nurses didn't understand why he was still alive. They said that to him on numerous occasions. Technically, his body wasn't/shouldn't be able to absorb enough oxygen to keep him alive. But there he was, as cantankerous as ever.

The stay at the hospice turned into a couple of weeks. He grew stronger. Eventually, they advised him that he would need to leave. I guess he was just not dying fast enough. He went home and continued to improve. He still needed oxygen, but it was for shorter periods of time. Over the next 6 months the visiting nurse couldn't believe what she was seeing. Week after week he kept improving. His need for supplemental oxygen continued to abate until he was breathing on his own most of the time. His doctors didn't understand it. He underwent a myriad of scans and tests and the doctors shared the following with him a couple of weeks ago - there was no sign whatsoever of the cancer in his lungs - other than a bit of scarring that they would take care of with a minor surgery. No sign of cancer. None. Zip. Nada. The immediate thought was that the original diagnosis had been a serious mistake and that he had to have had something else. So, they went back and reviewed all of the tests, biopsies, scans, etc., and the conclusion was that the original diagnosis was correct. For some reason, they have zero clue why, this badass kicked the cancer's ass.

After 8 months of staring death in the face on a daily basis, going through unimaginable terror, grief and never giving up, Clint has been given a clean bill of health. Don't get me wrong, he won't be running any marathons in the near future, he needs to put on about 30 pounds and he still has a stoop in his neck that physical therapy will resolve. But the stubborn bastard is still alive and kicking.

The doctors are using him as a case study ... someone said there is a huge interest in his case at Johns Hopkins. A certified miracle. No chemo. No radiation. Just one man who would not bow down to what everyone thought was the inevitable.

I like to think that it was the cigars that he wouldn't give up.

I have witnessed a miracle. How many people get to say that? More importantly, I have my friend back ... and he likes to pick up the tab when we go to lunch. So, there you go, a double bonus. Might have to go get some BBQ next week. With my buddy, the fucking miracle man.

I hope he isn't going to want his stuff back.

It's a good thing to be a not having to have gone to the funeral of a friend Rhino.

Personal Nightmare That I Hope I Never Have to Face

2011-01-07T00:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight I found this poem by Rudyard Kipling (one of my fave authors). Very, very funny.

For the sake of my personal well-being and happiness I'm certainly glad that the HLDW* has never made me choose between her and cigars.

I'd really miss her.

Really.

Oh, c'mon, I'm joking here.

Mostly.

Now, that isn't to say that she hasn't engaged in a womanly version of asymmetric warfare on my other burning love. Thus far I've held the line.

But mostly I'm just glad that I haven't received any ultimatums.

The Betrothed
Rudyard Kipling

"You must choose between me and your cigar."
--BREACH OF PROMISE CASE, CIRCA 1885.

Open the old cigar-box, get me a Cuba stout,
For things are running crossways, and Maggie and I are out.

We quarrelled about Havanas--we fought o'er a good cheroot,
And I knew she is exacting, and she says I am a brute.

Open the old cigar-box--let me consider a space;
In the soft blue veil of the vapour musing on Maggie's face.

Maggie is pretty to look at--Maggie's a loving lass,
But the prettiest cheeks must wrinkle, the truest of loves must pass.

There's peace in a Larranaga, there's calm in a Henry Clay;
But the best cigar in an hour is finished and thrown away--

Thrown away for another as perfect and ripe and brown--
But I could not throw away Maggie for fear o' the talk o' the town!

Maggie, my wife at fifty--grey and dour and old--
With never another Maggie to purchase for love or gold!

And the light of Days that have Been the dark of the Days that Are,
And Love's torch stinking and stale, like the butt of a dead cigar--

The butt of a dead cigar you are bound to keep in your pocket--
With never a new one to light tho' it's charred and black to the socket!

Open the old cigar-box--let me consider a while.
Here is a mild Manila--there is a wifely smile.

Which is the better portion--bondage bought with a ring,
Or a harem of dusky beauties, fifty tied in a string?

Counsellors cunning and silent--comforters true and tried,
And never a one of the fifty to sneer at a rival bride?

Thought in the early morning, solace in time of woes,
Peace in the hush of the twilight, balm ere my eyelids close,

This will the fifty give me, asking nought in return,
With only a Suttee's passion--to do their duty and burn.

This will the fifty give me. When they are spent and dead,
Five times other fifties shall be my servants instead.

The furrows of far-off Java, the isles of the Spanish Main,
When they hear my harem is empty will send me my brides again.

I will take no heed to their raiment, nor food for their mouths withal,
So long as the gulls are nesting, so long as the showers fall.

I will scent 'em with best vanilla, with tea will I temper their hides,
And the Moor and the Mormon shall envy who read of the tale of my brides.

For Maggie has written a letter to give me my choice between
The wee little whimpering Love and the great god Nick o' Teen.

And I have been servant of Love for barely a twelvemonth clear,
But I have been Priest of Cabanas a matter of seven year;

And the gloom of my bachelor days is flecked with the cheery light
Of stumps that I burned to Friendship and Pleasure and Work and Fight.

And I turn my eyes to the future that Maggie and I must prove,
But the only light on the marshes is the Will-o'-the-Wisp of Love.

Will it see me safe through my journey or leave me bogged in the mire?
Since a puff of tobacco can cloud it, shall I follow the fitful fire?

Open the old cigar-box--let me consider anew--
Old friends, and who is Maggie that I should abandon you?

A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke;
And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke.

Light me another Cuba--I hold to my first-sworn vows.
If Maggie will have no rival, I'll have no Maggie for Spouse!

-THE END-
Rudyard Kipling's poem: The Betrothed

It's good to be the cigar smokin' and still married to a hot babe Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Obligatory Holiday Post

2011-01-01T04:17:00.000-05:00

OK, sue me cause I haven't made the obligatory holiday post before the actual end of the holiday season - but better late than never. Preemptive Exclusion: the offer to sue does NOT include Herr Professor Doktor Boylan as he has the mad law skillz to do so and would most likely win.

All in all it was a great holiday here at Château Rhino. We decorated a real tree this year - the first time in many, many years. I forgot how much I love it. I won the delivery of three 9' Frazier Firs at a charity event earlier this year so we decided to just go ahead and do it. (The other 2 went to families that could use them).

Anyway, here is a shot of said proud Frazier Fir gracing the entry into my sanctum sanctorum ... otherwise known as my office.

The HLDW* and I had a very nice Christmas. We spent Christmas Eve with our "Atlanta Family" and were treated to a fabulous Feast of Seven Fishes. In addition to the amazing spread, much wine and spirits were imbibed, great cigars smoked and all around seasonal revelry was had until the wee hours of the morning. I even got to watch A Christmas Story which is an important holiday tradition.

When we got home at 0300 we decided to just go ahead and exchange gifts as it was technically Christmas morning and well, I'm pretty much a big kid about getting presents. This year it was very much about quality over quantity as I can truthfully say that I'm very fortunate and don't want for much. Besides, there wasn't much this year in the way of geek toys that I was lusting after. OK, to be honest, I was lusting after one thing and the HLDW came through in spades - and I was totally not expecting this under the tree. As everyone is aware, a very key item of kit that any action hero must have is a timepiece that is in direct proportion to his awesomeness. James Bond has his magnetic and laser watches. For everyone's favorite Action Rhino the choice was the Citizen Eco Drive Skyhawk A-T with titanium case and stainless steel band. A massive watch befitting my stature. The thing came with a mini-CD to explain all of the features. Insane!

The shot of the awesomeness that is the adorned Rhino's wrist:

I would gift one to Havock but I'm not sure he would be able to lift his arm to swing that poofy cricket bat with this baby weighing him down. Unless, of course, a dolphin was in the area to help him out. (Note to self ... look into acquiring a "kitty cat" watch as birthday gift option for H this year).

New Year's Eve was spent at the movies seeing The Fighter. Excellent flick. Then back to the Château before the drunk amateurs clogged the roadways for a quiet night ringing in of the new year. Switched over to see Dick Clark call the last minute of the year as the ball dropped in Times Square. Gotta' hand to the guy - the stroke sure as hell hasn't stopped him. Pretty cool.

Here's to all of you that I've been fortunate enough to count as friends and family this year - those that I've met in person and those that I've only met on the interwebz - may you and yours have a truly joyous and prosperous 2011.

It really is good to be the Citizen Skyhawk A-T adorned Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Turkey and Monkey Rape

2010-11-29T17:13:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving holiday and the usual ... family and friends ... great food ... good drink ... delicious cigars .... monkey rape.

WTF?

If you've been a reader of the Rhino's Desk for any length of time you know that I have a knack for getting into interesting, OK, let's be honest here, cognitive dissonance causing conversations - mostly with the HLDW*. But, this time my friend Steve was the culprit. Of course, the HLDW was front and center during the very disturbing discourse.

Setting the scene - dinner was amazing - dining at the home of a professional chef is never a bad thing; 3 turkeys (one smoked, one roasted, one deep fried), an amazing assortment of mouth watering side dishes, many bottles of wine, etc. You get the picture. So, button-poppingly sated we repaired to the sun porch for cigars, football and, since women-folk were present, conversation. (Note: If it was just the guys the only acceptable post-Thanksgiving dinner conversation would have consisted of some or all of the following: "What's the spread?", "Where's the lighter?", "Who has a cutter?" "Good cigar", "::belch::", "::snore::".)

Some of you might remember Steve from a very early post I wrote about my trips to Honduras. For the rest of you, all you really need to know about Steve can be summed-up by this photo:

This is Steve in Honduras during one of our cigar trips. And, yes, he is naked under that raft.

There I am, in a tryptophan induced torpor, puffing away on a fine stogie, watching steroid soaked madmen smashing into each other, feigning interest in the conversation going back and forth when the following breaks through my semi-napping and catches my ear, "Yeah, when I was based in the PI we used to hear about monkey rape all the time in the news".

Huh? Did I really just hear the words "monkey rape"? That can't be right. I mean, no one in their right mind would talk about monkey rape at Thanksgiving dinner in mixed company, would they? Oh, wait, I think that was Steve. Shit.

Rhino, "Did you just say 'monkey rape'?

Steve, "Yeah. When I was stationed in the Philippines there used to be news stories about it."

HLDW, "Wait, were people raping monkeys or were the monkeys raping people?"

Rhino, "Yeah. Which is it. No, wait, I don't want to know."

Who'd a thunk that I'd be the voice of reason?

HLDW, "Well, either way, it is disgusting."

Steve, "It was monkeys raping people. They are way strong."

Rhino, "So, monkeys just coming out of the jungle in gangs raping the local ladies."

Steve, "I don't know about gangs. I think it was individuals."

HLDW, "Well, that changes how I think about monkeys."

Rhino, "Remind me to tell you about dolphins on the way home."

HLDW, "I don't want to know. Don't ruin that too."

Steve, "And they used to televise executions."

HLDW, "Of what, the rapist monkeys?"

Steve, "No, of criminals."

Rhino, "What does that have to do with monkey rape?"

Steve, "Nothing. It is just interesting, that's all."

Rhino, "How the hell did you guys get started on this?"

I never really got a response to that last question as the announcement that dessert and coffee was on the table was made. The conversation sort of limped on to safer topics.

Turkey and monkey rape.

I don't think I'll forget this Thanksgiving any time soon.

It is good to be the pumpkin pie with extra whipped cream eating, non monkey raping Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Your Instant Social Media Gratification Can Wait

2010-11-18T17:21:00.001-05:00

The other evening the HLDW* and I attended the Dave Matthews Band concert at Philips Arena in Atlanta. The wife is a big fan and we try to see the show whenever they are in town. Anyway, this isn't a review of the show, rather, it is about something I noticed while watching the crowd. Are we, as a society, completely incapable of just sitting and enjoying something without having to crank out immediate Facebook/Twitter updates every 30 seconds?

Hell, I was guilty of posting a Facebook update after we took our seats, prior to the show starting. Why the hell was it so important for me do so? Don't get me wrong, I'm very aware that I skew very far to the right on the bell curve of narcissism and understand that the world is curious as to how I spend my every waking moment (it goes with action hero fame and I bear the burden as only I can). But I still did it - and I'm not one for constantly updating. The HLDW was in a social media frenzy, of course, but she has 35 bazillion friends and that is expected by her peers.

I mentioned my observation/question to the HLDW and she mumbled a "mmhmm - hang on while I finish this post" and went back to her iPhone. I looked around and there were dozens of people clicking away. So, secure in my social media isolation as I vowed that my phone would not come out of my pocket until the concert was over, I continued to observe my fellow concert goers. People all around me clicking away on their phones or showing their pithy entries to the people next to them or asking to see their friends phones. I wanted to shout at the little bastards, "Put the fucking phones away and get busy doing what you are supposed to be doing at a concert; drinking too much, dancing like an idiot, getting the girls drunk, playing grab-ass when the lights go down, smoking some dope (Oh, yeah, can't do that anymore, thank you very fucking much you second hand smoke Nazis). JUST STOP AND BE IN THE MOMENT.

Oh, sure, all that stuff was kind of happening. Hell, I drank a double gin and tonic and pinched the HLDW once or twice myself. And, to be fair, there was a lot of youthful binge drinking exuberance and hippie white guy/gal dancing (we were at Dave Matthews) but in almost all cases the revelry would generally come to a stop so that they could UPDATE THEIR FACEBOOK FEED.

And yet, in spite of all of the scorn I was mentally heaping on the losers around me, I was torn. The uber-geek part of me told me to stop being such an old asshole and appreciate the coolness of being able to connect anytime, anywhere and being able to share experiences. I mean, I dread the day that the words "back in my day" comes out of my mouth.

What do you think? Have we lost something because of the intrusion of the "outside" into the shared experience of the event? Do we lose some of the experience when we shift focus to broadcast our impressions of the event rather than staying focused on the event itself?

In the interest of complete disclosure, my phone did not stay in my pocket for the rest of the night. It came out when the band left the stage for the first time and when, back in my day, we would have pulled out our much abused bic lighters to call for the encore. Instead, I held my phone high and activated the "Flick a Bic Concert Lighter" app that I downloaded earlier in the day.

It completely rocked.

Now I need to update Facebook and Twitter that there is a new Rhino post.

It is good to be the introspective Rhino.

Zombie Fodder

2010-06-30T17:47:00.000-04:00

Whilst conducting my semi-monthly apocalypse preparedness planning session in the secondary storage bunker beneath the west wing of Chateau Rhino, between ammunition inventory and rotating MREs, a very ugly truth occurred to me. As much as it pains me to say this, as I truly and deeply love my wife - the incomparable HLDW* - when the inevitable zombie apocalypse and/or robot uprising finally happens she will be one of the first victims.

Why?

That question is also the answer...

It will be her inability to unconditionally obey a request or order without engaging in a dialogue about "why" she should or shouldn't do something that will be her undoing.

She can't help it. It is a large part of what makes her, well, her and one of the reasons I love her. However, it will also be the reason that I will roam the post-apocalyptic wasteland alone. I think that it may also be a mostly feminine trait as men are trained from a young age to obey orders. For example, go near a crowd, toss a ball into the air and say, "Heads-Up". The majority of the men will immediately look up for the errant fly ball that they "know" is coming - even if they aren't currently playing a baseball game and never expected you to throw a ball (The "men" that don't are womanly anyway and will be zombie fodder too). It is an immediate call to action that has been drilled into us since adolescent little league games. The women of the group on the other hand, will turn to you and say, "what?" "why?", "what does that mean?" or some variation on that theme and will cry when the ball lands on their head. I believe that this is the reason that the male:female ratio in zombie movies is generally on the level of 25:1 - this rule is viscerally understood by the writers of such fine fare. While it is never stated, they intuit that is way that it will be. The exceptions to this rule are female athletes, commonly known as lesbians. Except for the hot hetero and/or bi-curious tennis players. They're dead.

Back to the HLDW.

She doesn't see this as a weakness. Of course. It is all about female empowerment or some such thing I guess. No, I didn't ask. I don't need to. I'm a man and I really don't want, or need, to know.

Against my better judgment I decided to conduct a preparedness drill the other day.

Rhino, "Take cover!"

HLDW, (Standing up straighter and looking around), "What are you talking about?"

Rhino, "That was a zombie preparedness test and you failed. If this were not a drill I would have been forced to put a bullet into your beautiful face."

HLDW, "What are you talking about?"

Rhino, "See, there you go again. Your inherent inability to unconditionally obey orders will be your downfall."

HLDW, "Uh huh. And unquestionably obeying orders will get me what?"

Rhino, "Do you want me to have to roam the post-apocalyptic wasteland alone?"

HLDW, "You have got to be kidding me. By the way, did I just hear you say that you were going to shoot me in the face?"

Rhino, "Well, only if you were bitten."

HLDW, "By what?"

Rhino, "A zombie. Didn't you hear me say that was a zombie preparedness test?"

HLDW, "I started filtering that stuff out during the second year of our marriage."

Rhino, "And that will be your ultimate undoing."

HLDW, "You are a freak. Do you know that?"

Rhino, "For the record I would be sad if I had to shoot you."

The HLDW just shakes her head and walks away.

Sure, I'd be sad, but I'm hoping that I stumble on a hidden conclave of woman tennis players whilst roaming the wastelands.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

The Joys of Skype

2010-06-30T12:15:00.005-04:00

So, I'm on Skype today with a couple of Irish guys that I work with (names redacted to protect the not so innocent) - "C" has been in Boston for the last couple of weeks - and the talk turns to what he has been doing in the evenings to pass the time.

What follows is a transcript of part of the conversation - I cleaned up some of the spelling, grammar, etc., as best I could but, as they are products of the Irish educational system, there was only so much that I could do. And, I wasn't willing to spend a whole lot of time to make them look good.

Why am I sharing this? The ending was pure Irish and pure hysterical.

BEGIN

C: Then a couple of weeks ago I asked someone for a cigarette he said NO. So i asked his girlfriend...she gave me one and when he realized I was Irish he said "oh I’m sorry, i didn’t realize you were Irish, I would have given you one". PLANK!

(Note: PLANK is Irish slang for a moron, or more directly, a 'tool' or 'twonk').

Rhino: WTF?

C: These people....

M: ah you love it C

C: course I do, but still - racists.

Rhino: racist? Huh?

C: he thought I was American

Rhino: So?

C: and so automatically didn't like me

Rhino: Was he Irish?

C: no he was American

Rhino: So, that doesn't make him a racist. Was he black?

C: nope

Rhino: white?

C: yes

Rhino: OK then ... not racist.

C: well, I don’t like the English, therefore I am racist even though they're the same race

Rhino: No ... that makes you bigoted. Not racist.

M: no that makes him Irish

Rhino: HAHAHAHAAHA.

END

Yeah, I'm good like that ... providing that "inside" look into other cultures.

It is good to be the International Business Rhino.

Regards,

The Rhino

Action Hero of John Birmingham's "After America".

Otter Men

2010-06-22T11:42:00.002-04:00

The HLDW* and I visited the home of another couple (Demetrios and Wendy) last night. Sitting around a table in the screened-in porch - the men enjoying a cigar, the subject of the Gulf oil spill came up. The HLDW was bemoaning the fate of the wildlife so I just had to prod her a bit.

Rhino, "Well, it is just the stupid animals that are getting killed. The smart ones swim or fly away from the spill."

HLDW, "So?"

Rhino, "It'll improve the animal gene pool overall. Only the genius animals will mate and pass on their intelligence.

HLDW, "That's not the point."

Rhino, "There is one flaw with all of this - the animals could get too smart and turn on us for despoiling their homes. I wouldn't want to have an over-intelligent otter uprising or anything.

HLDW, "That is really not the point and stupid to boot."

From out of the blue, Demetrios chimes in with the coup de grace.

Demetrios, "You know what that would be don't you?"

HLDW, "What? If the Otters attacked?"

Demetrios, "Yes, it would be the Second Otter-Man Empire."

OMFG -- I laughed so hard I just about swallowed my cigar. That was so AWESOME.

I love that kind of stuff. Even the HLDW thought it was funny.

Second Otter-Man Empire

::snort::

Regards,
Rhino
Action Hero of John Birmingham's "After America"

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Cigar Shop Words of Wisdom

2010-06-11T18:07:00.002-04:00

The first of a possible series - Cigar Shop Words of Wisdom.

Overheard today at the cigar shop during a news report about a shark attack (add U.S. southern accent): "Y'all best not forget that the minute y'all walk into the ocean that y'all are no longer at the top of the food chain."

Wise words indeed.

Kinky Injuries

2010-06-08T16:38:00.002-04:00

So, your ever lovin' hazel-eyed Rhino was at the organic food store the other day picking up the HLDW's* "special" water and as I was lifting the 5 gallon container onto the counter I winced a bit as my rotator cuff is injured. It is enough pain to keep most men in bed (I'm thinking of certain skinny ferals with names beginning with H as I type this) but I persevere cause, well, I'm the Rhino and there is no time for whining, much less surgery.

Anyway, the patchouli scented punk behind the counter decides to crack wise and say, "All that kinky sex gettin' to you?"

I guess he thought that he was going to shock an old man. Stupid bastard. So, I thought I'd teach him a little lesson in customer service.

Rhino, "Actually, no. Not all of it causes injury."

Patchouli Scented Punk, "Ummm, well."

Rhino, "It could be from cracking the whip so much"

Patchouli Scented Punk, "Oh, um, yeah."

Rhino, "I mean, you look like a guy that knows how tough it can be to discipline a gaggle of nymphomaniac masochists hopped-up on ecstasy. You just can't beat them enough. Am I right?

Patchouli Scented Punk, "Um, OK."

Rhino, "Hey, do you have a card? There is always room for new blood and I'm sure that you would be perfect for Mistress Cruella - she loves to train noobs. You are obviously a sub. Am I right? I have an eye for these things."

Patchouli Scented Punk, "No. I don't. I mean I'm not. Ummm."

Poor bastard is speechless. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to make him carry the water out to my car so that I can torture him a bit more. But, I decide that this akin to shooting zombies in a barrel - too easy and you could get splattered - so I cut him loose.

Rhino,"That's a shame. I'm sure that you would've enjoyed it."

I wink at the Patchouli Scented Punk and leave with the water.

Carried, one-handed, with the injured arm, of course.

I am The Rhino after all and there are images to maintain.

I don't think that he'll be trying to shock anyone for awhile. I can't wait until I go back in there sometime with the HLDW and call her Mistress Cruella when he is in earshot. I hope that he pees himself. Might smell nicer than the patchouli.

It is good to be the quick thinking, unabashedly snarky Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Taking the "Pith"

2010-05-21T15:37:00.003-04:00

Actual conversation with the HLDW*

Rhino, "Honey, have you seen my pith helmet?"

HLDW, "Did you check where you keep the viking helmet? I can't believe I just said that."

Rhino, "Yeah, it isn't there."

HLDW, "I don't know why you need a pith helmet anyway."

Rhino, "What else am I supposed to wear on an expedition?"

HLDW, "I don't know why I ask. And, no, I don't want to know."

Rhino, "Is my kilt back from the cleaners?"

HLDW, "It is hanging in your closet. You know, that magical place where your clean clothes just appears periodically."

Rhino, "Yeah, I love technology. Found it. It was hidden under my 'Soylent Green - It Tastes Different from Person to Person' t-shirt. Thanks sugar."

I live in a very odd world.

Regards,
Rhino

* Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Alpha Dog Disrespect

2010-05-17T23:16:00.002-04:00

The HLDW* and I were driving home from our friend's Italian restaurant the other day - I was nicely stuffed with all sorts of saucy, meaty, cheesy goodness and feeling quite content when the HLDW hit me with one of those out of left field comments, "Do you remember when Red told you that he pee'd on his dog's house?

Huh? Oh yeah, there is a basis for that comment and some background is probably in order here. At the restaurant, we ran into a great friend of mine, Red, who also happens to be the owner of the cigar shop that is my other home, his wife and son. A long while ago a group of us were having one of those existential cigar shop conversations about who in our social circle was and was not an alpha dog and how we marked our territory. To cement his alpha dog cred Red told a story about getting a dog and one of the first things he did was to pee on its dog house. I think that firmly cemented his leader of the pack status. Anyway, I thought it was funny and mentioned it to the HLDW. This was one of those 'guy humor' things that she didn't 'get' and generally elicits the comment from her of, "How do you guys get on a topic like that?"

So we're driving home, I'm in a carb coma, and I hear her say, "Do you remember when Red told you that he pee'd on his dog's house?"

Rhino, "Yeah, why?"

HLDW, "I don't know, it just seems kind of like he was disrespecting the dog's space."

Rhino, "Really? I think that Red was just asserting his authority (pronounced 'aw thor a tie' in a southern drawl).

HLDW, "I mean, that was that dog's space to just be himself and now it's pee'd on. I wonder how that made him feel?"

Rhino, (In my commiserating voice that pulls the HLDW in and makes her think I'm on her side), "Yeah, he totally disrespected his dog's personal space."

HLDW, "I mean, why would anyone do that?"

Rhino, (In the same tone), "Yeah, I think it is an egregious violation of the sanctity of the dog's domicile."

HLDW, "Oh, shut up."

The jig is up. Maybe it was the use of the word egregious ... or maybe domicile. Damn, I got cocky. I could have her going on this all the way home if I would have been a little more patient.

Rhino, (laughing), I don't think that the dog cared one whit. Who knows, maybe it was like perfume to him and made him feel safe.

HLDW, "No, I think it would have pissed him off."

Rhino, (in my best Beavis voice) "You said 'pissed' - heh heh heh. Well, to be honest, I think Red was the only one doing the pissing that night."

HLDW, "I still don't think that it's right to disrespect someone's private space like that."

I sense that if I don't somehow end this now my puerile sense of humor is going to land me in a world of hurt and that it will be rolled out as evidence during a future conversation of my lack of empathy and all around immaturity. So, as only the Rhino can, I outflanked her.

Rhino, "New house rule, don't pee on the dog."

HLDW, (laughing), "Yeah."

Rhino, "Now I wish I hadn't drunk so much water tonight."

HLDW, (laughing), You really are an idiot."

I'm glad that I told her about Red's story and it distracted her so much that she never asked about mine. It would probably be a bad idea for me to tell her that my alpha dog story was that the first night we moved into the Chateau I pee'd off the back deck to mark my territory.

The guys here know what I'm talking about.

It is good to mark the Rhino's territory after several Guinness.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Attention All Apple Sycophants - Steve Jobs is Really "The Man"

2010-04-27T19:03:00.005-04:00

Attention all Apple Dorks, Dweebs, Sycophants and Smarmy Smug Bastards - I went to an Apple store the other day to play with an IPad and as I looked at the throngs of people I had an epiphany that I feel compelled to share with you today. I'm afraid that it may be a bit unsettling to your fragile souls - possibly as unsettling as telling the parish priest that there is no dispensation for playing hide the communion wafer with prepubescent alter boys. But The Rhino has never been one to hold back and it is my sacred duty to help you find your way in the world so gird your loins.

Ready?

OK, now that your loins have been girded - at least as much as your shriveled, vegan nourished loins can be girded - here is the truth; Steve Jobs is THE MAN that all of you hypocritical, conforming non-conformists rail against and Apple is one of those godless corporations you spend so much time and millions of bumper stickers crying about. With said crying generally taking place whilst sipping on your Starbucks venti "fair trade" half caf, half decalf, soy, breve, no whip caramel douchealatte.

Does Apple make a solid product? Yeah, they are mostly pretty cool. But what they actually excel at is MARKETING. The manipulation of you, one of the masses, into believing that the possession of one of their gadgets makes you special, discerning, a rebel. And you eat if up with a spoon. Not a fork, since most of you eschew red meat. No, a spoon is what you get in order to slurp up the Apple served gruel of tofu floating amidst slimy seaweed that tastes like day old cigarette butts floating in urine that requires a constant mantra of "I'm doing this because I'm special and not a common Windows plebe" in order to keep it down.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not going to buy an IPad eventually. But I'll do it because it is a solid tool that fulfills a need. Not because I need a sacred Jobsian talisman to ward off the cooties of the great unwashed and prove that I'm superior. Hell, I'm The Rhino, I already know that my being superior is an intrinsic part of my being and not something that I have to purchase. Fuckin' amateurs and poseurs make me wanna puke up my 22 ounce, rare NY strip, baked potato with sour cream, bacon and extra butter and the side of INVISIBLE veggies. But I won't because the 6 double gin and tonics washes down the bile and the 8 inch, 60 ring gauge stogies keep me centered.

Wake up and smell the douchelatte you pack of wannabes - Steve Jobs is neck deep in hookers and blow right now (allegedly - as the other thing Apple excels at is suing people) because you brain washed Apple zombies dish out triple the cash for something that is ubiquitous today - a relatively user friendly operating system. Oh, and before you go and find that manual that you never bothered to read in order to espouse all of the amazing things that Apple's OS can do that Windows can't but you don't know what they are because you never use them because all you really do is surf porn and you bought your purple IMac because you heard that it can't get viruses and most porn sites have viruses, just shut your cake hole already because I know better than you do and I don't even own one of the things.

And don't waste your time accusing me of being Bill Gates' bitch because he and Saint Steve are flip sides of the same coin. At least Bill has the self actualization required to acknowledge that he is a whore and doesn't try to rationalize it by claiming to be an 'escort'. Whorin is whorin whether you walk the street or take a limo.

That's what I saw when I went to the Apple store. Maybe I should have worn the rose colored glasses that they were passing out at the door.

Full disclosure - The HLDW is an Apple lover. I've said the above to her on many occasions and she had to physically restrain me from going to the Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy soap and water to forcibly wash white boy dreadlocks and other sundry smelly people while we were in the Apple store. Would it kill you to take a shower before you come to work? And, no, patchouli oil is not a substitute for hot water and a nice bar of Ivory soap.

Oh, and for the record, Che Guevara would stand you up against a wall and shoot you for buying a t-shirt with his image on it. Fucktards.

I hope this didn't make you cry.

Nah, not really, ya pussy. But look on the bright side, this will give you something new to talk to your therapist about this week and give your tired Oedipal monologues a rest.

Regards,
Rhino

Cat Acupuncture

2010-04-23T13:37:00.002-04:00

The HLDW's surrogate son, George the Cat, is going to be 10 this year and is beginning to feel his age. We (meaning The Rhino) has to give him a supplement twice a day to help with his geriatric aches and pains. Have you ever tried to "pill" a cat? Yeah. It is as fun as you imagine. The only good thing is we now have this pill tool that essentially propels the pill down his throat so that I don't need to get near his teeth with my fingers.

As a loving and doting cat-mum, the HLDW has found another treatment that she believes will help: Cat Acupuncture. WTF? Cat acupuncture? Those are 2 words I never thought I'd see in a sentence together. More disturbing, it is not something that I would have ever guessed would be a line item on the monthly budget.

What is crazy is that the treatments are covered by cat health insurance. And, yes, we do have cat health insurance. Not to mention that it is another line item I never thought I'd have to add to the budget.

It is a huge pain to pill a cat ... I can't imagine what it would be like to try and stick a cranky elderly cat with numerous needles. I should have gone with a video camera - talk about your viral video opportunities.

Cat acupuncture. Amazing.

I'll get pictures at the next session.

Regards,
Rhino

Relationship Rule #28

2010-04-15T12:42:00.001-04:00

Relationship Rule #28: You are NOT allowed to be angry with me in real life because I did something you didn't like in one of your dreams.

Not that I'm saying this happened recently or anything.

Back

2010-04-13T15:31:00.001-04:00

Hi all ... I'm back.

Where have I been?

In "Not".

Not around. Not interested. Not participating.

But, I'm back now.

Seriously.

Mil SF - Tom Kratman

2010-03-07T22:07:00.003-05:00

Tom Kratman is another author that I support and for whom I have had the pleasure doing some pre-reading chores. He has done some awesome mil SF with his "A Desert Called Peace" series and here is a link to a snippet from the next one, "The Amazon Legion".

http://snippets.tomkratman.com/The-Amazon-Legion-Snippet-1.html

Go and take a look ... please.

Regards,
Rhino

Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light

2010-02-28T22:14:00.003-05:00

This is a rough entry. This is not funny. There is rough language. If you can't handle it then get out now.

My friend Clint had his death sentence pronounced a week or so ago. Terminal disease they said and it looks as if he will not be leaving the hospital - his third stay in the last three months. The last 2 trips they thought it was pneumonia. The first time they pumped him full of antibiotics and steroids and as soon as his oxygen levels returned to normal they released him. Over the next couple of weeks the oxygen levels began to fall again and they readmitted him, claimed the first round didn't take, and proceeded to repeat the antibiotic/steroid regimen and released him. This time around he made it 2 weeks out of the hospital before he had trouble breathing and this time they admitted him to the ICU. It was only after the thoracic surgeon that saved his life 10 years ago stumbled upon him (he was there seeing other patients) and raised holy hell that no one contacted him DESPITE THE FACT THAT LUNG CANCER WAS ALL OVER HIS MEDICAL RECORDS that they got the diagnosis correct. I'd probably get all of the medical jargon incorrect so I'll just tell you the gist which is that his remaining lung is turning 'glassy' and that his ability to process oxygen and carbon dioxide is shutting down. The 'fix' of the antibiotics and steroids is paying diminishing returns and as soon as they stop working again he will suffocate to death.

There is no cure.

I am so full of rage and sorrow right now I don't know what to do with myself.

Clint is 53 years old. He is a man that one can be proud to call a friend. He is so full of life. He is loud and his cajun accent and outrageous stories dominate a room. He is honest and direct and opinionated and funny. He loves his wife with all of his heart and isn't afraid to let people know. He doesn't put up with bullshit and is the first one to grab the lunch check. You know where you stand with him and in this world of image and pretentious bullshit that is an amazing thing. He is the guy that I wrote about in an earlier entry when we went shooting at his hunting camp.

Fuck this. It isn't fair. I know I'm not the first one to feel this sense of loss and helplessness and heart burning, gut wrenching rage. There are people in this world that I wouldn't piss on to save if they were on fire - I can be that cold, it is an ugly truth that I know about myself in my heart of hearts - and I can't help but want to bargain with the imaginary man in the sky that I'd rend 10, 20 or 100 of them by hand, in whatever bloody sacrifice that he needs to satisfy his bloodlust, just to keep my friend here with me. But there is no imaginary man in the sky to bargain with. Nothing at all. Just an overwhelmingly random universe that we have imbued with a mystical consciousness in an effort to maintain our collective sanity as we try to make sense of it all.

Today was a good day. We loaded him into a wheelchair, bundled him up in blankets and took him outside where his wife had his dogs waiting to see him. I brought his favorite cigars and we smoked together, he, Mike and I, as we had so many times before. Don't be shocked about the cigar, his doctor said that cigar smoking had nothing to do with this disease and if the man wanted to smoke one then by god he should. There, surrounded by 20 or so of his friends, he held court and made people laugh and just for a moment we could believe that it was going to be all right.

But, it isn't going to be all right.

So, I will do my duty and I will go into his hospital room over the next few weeks and I will do my best to be a good friend to him and let him die with his dignity intact. I will joke with him and listen to him tell the story of his life and I will not cry until I am alone and out of his sight. That is the only way that I know how to honor his friendship.

I only hope that I am strong enough a man to do what needs to be done.

I am going to go and cry for my friend now.

No, that is a lie. I am going to go and cry for me now.

Soon there will be one less good soul in the world and I am not a happy man.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas, 1951 or 1952

Spitting

2010-01-17T22:36:00.002-05:00

OK ... this is slightly off-color - so, if you are easily offended, you have been warned.

The HLDW* has had some health issues of late and has undergone some medical testing. In addition to the usual blood work she had to collect saliva in little vial during 5 periods over the course of one day ... they use the saliva to check hormone levels.

Her first sample period was from 6am until 8am. She didn't have to do it for the entire time - only until she was able to fill the vial to a certain level. If she could do it in 10 minutes, great. If not, she had to keep going until she finished. To her credit (she believes that spitting is vile) she got through the first one fairly quickly.

Fast forward a couple of hours later , I'm now at the cigar shop, working (I telecommute), around noon, when I received this call. Note: It is lunch time and there is a nice crowd of guys sitting around and hearing only my side of the conversation...

Rhino, "Hi Sugar Bear"

That's how I answer the phone when she calls and by now all of the guys know that when I do so it is the HLDW on the phone so shouts of variations "tell Sugar Bear I said hi" begin. They have all met her on numerous occasions and I believe most of them like my wife more than me anyway - as evidenced by at least one comment of "I can't believe a woman like that married you" whenever she stops by.

HLDW, "How do you keep spit from getting foamy?"

Rhino, "Huh? Oh, and everyone says hi"

HLDW, "Oh, how sweet, tell them I said hi. Anyway, how do you keep spit from getting all foamy? I'm spitting into the vial but it is all bubbly and the directions say that it can't be that way."

This is an obvious call for me to 'fix stuff' which I love and I go right into hunter-gatherer solve the problem mode.

Rhino, "Well, you could suck on something hard before you spit."

Several heads swivel my way with that comment. I'm my usually oblivious self as I'm deep in 'fixing stuff' mode and focused like a laser on the foamy spit problem.

HLDW, "I can't do that cause it will invalidate the test."

Rhino, "OK, then I guess you could just work it up and then let it settle on your tongue and then let it dribble out."

Seriously, I said that. Exactly that. In a room full of smart asses. And it didn't dawn on me how it could be interpreted until the guffaws and cat calls began ... totally drowning out the HLDW.

I retreat outdoors.

HLDW, "What is going on there?"

Rhino, "Think about our conversation if you just heard it from my side."

HLDW, "Oh my god."

Rhino, "Yeah."

HLDW, (laughing) "Your friends are freaks."

Rhino, "Yeah, it's going to be an interesting afternoon."

I ended the call, went back inside and gave the room a mighty Rhino glare.

No one asked. I didn't tell.

She filled all of the vials. No foam at all.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Rhino at 15

2010-01-13T21:55:00.003-05:00

The HLDW* was going through some photos that my mother had given to her and she found this one - it makes her swoon. It was taken in 1978 when I was just a lad of 15 by a neighbor woman that was big time into photography and wanted to do some "50s" shots - to remind her of her youth I suppose.

The HLDW advised that it was "throw back" or "way back" week or some such bullshit on Facebook this week and threatened to post it on her wall ... so I've preempted her efforts by posting it here for your enjoyment, not to mention piss taking, at my expense.

Note - Female readers will accept full responsibility for any spontaneous multiple female orgasms caused by the viewing of this photo and any accidents caused by their fainting due to the intensity of said orgasms.

Let the merriment begin. Bring it on. I can take it. Really, I can.

Fuck the Fonz ... I would have totally rocked Arnolds.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Of Fresh Air and Firearms

2010-01-11T13:59:00.013-05:00

A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
- 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America

This past Saturday my buddy Clint invited myself and another buddy, Mike, to take a ride down to his 800 acre hunting camp in south Georgia to spend the day engaging in the very manly pursuit of firing various and sundry guns. We do this, not because it is fun, but to celebrate and confirm our 2nd amendment rights as citizens.

OK, we do it because it is fun.

Clint's camp is new Warm Springs, Georgia. Warm Springs is famous for being the home of the "Little White House" of FDR. From Wikipedia:

Warm Springs first came to prominence in the 19th century as a spa town, due to its mineral springs which flow constantly at nearly 32°C (90°F). It is famous for the Little White House, where Franklin Delano Roosevelt lived while president, because of his paralytic illness. He died there, in his room in the Little White House, which is now a public museum. He was a constant visitor for two decades and died there in 1945.

Cute historical town, but that isn't the point of this entry.

Back to the guns.

Lovely, lovely guns.

Clint's camp is set on 800 acres of woodland and is absolutely gorgeous. We drove up some old lumber roads to a gully that he uses as a shooting range. Absolutely gorgeous day - not a cloud in the sky. The only thing remotely bad is that it was COLD. Joint achingly, ball shriveling cold. As in 21F (-6C for my metricly inclined readers). It rarely gets this cold in Atlanta/Southern GA. A picture from the truck ...

We were dressed for the weather though and proceeded to unload the implements of destruction ... a nice collection of shootin' irons: A couple of Sig Sauer 9mms; a Smith & Wesson .357; a Colt 1911 .45, a custom made Thompson Center .300 mag rifle (the Black Mamba) and a .444 Ruger (that one is the back-up rifle of choice for Alaskan Grizzly Bear hunting guides - JUST Clint had to have one after his Alaska trip) and is one big bastard.

Being spiritual men we laid the implements out on the altar for preparation. OK, it was the tail gate, but in the woods that counts as an altar.

We proceeded to shoot up targets for the next couple of hours. The Rhino does indeed love the power and feel of the .357... it looks a little small in my massive paws does it not?

Who wants some?

Clint pulled out the rifles. Gorgeous. The rifles that is, not Clint. Although he is rugged, I'll admit. Not to mention a dead shot.

Colonel Beasley had himself a good ol' time as well. He spent some time firing the 9mm Sig that he named "Delilah". Why that name? Because she is a nasty bitch that spits death. He said it's a biblical thing. Who am I to contradict him? All that I know is that he looked very, very happy ... he does look happy, doesn't he?

My fave was the 9mm Sig. Very sweet. I was a pious man and worked through several boxes of ammo in sacrifice to the Gods of Explodey Goodness. Just awesome fun.

I'll leave you with this final pic. I've entitled it "Havock Who?" and it is meant to remind certain excitable Aussie ferals to keep their peace. Just sayin' is all.

We followed the shooting fest with a late lunch of red meat.

A good time was had by all.

It is good to be a 2nd amendment loving Rhino.

Middle Aged Pouncing

2010-01-02T23:03:00.003-05:00

I'm generally an early riser and, as a rule, I'm up and out of the rack much earlier than the HLDW*. As a Rhino of habit I have a couple of morning rituals. The first ritual is that the dogs and I go outside - they sniff about conducting dog investigations of overnight squirrel incursions while I drink my tea and have the first cigar of the day (generally a mild Oliva with a Connecticut shade wrapper) while reading something from the pile of books I keep on the table by my custom made, rhino-sized Adirondack chair. It centers me for the coming day.

After tea and cigar the dogs and I go back inside and we stand in the foyer at the bottom of the stairs to begin the next ritual ... whereby I proceed to whip the dogs into a frenzy by saying "Who wants to pounce the mama? Who wants to pounce the mama?" over and over in that excited tone that dogs equate with "OMG HE IS GOING TO GIVE US STEAK!" When I have whipped them into the appropriate level of pounce-ready frothiness I open the baby gate and let them streak up the stairs and into the bedroom. Well, that is 50% correct, as only Hamilton the schizophrenic labradoodle streaks ... Sydney the overweight golden retriever sort of galumphs up the stairs ... but I do have to say that it is a determined "I will be in on the pouncing of mama" galumphing.

I wait for it ... the sound of running paws on the wooden floor, the sudden silence when Hamilton leaps and the inevitable cries of a pounced upon HLDW saying, "HAMILTON WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" - even though this happens pretty much every day. Sydeny finally makes her way into the room and executes her, albeit delayed, part in the pouncing ritual. She doesn't leap so much as trundle ... much like a belabored, oxygen starved climber making the final ascent on the summit of Everest. This is followed by the plopping down of 100 pounds of dog on a now awakened HLDW and her cries of "OMG SYDNEY GET OFF ME I CAN'T BREATHE". I follow-on and make my way into the bedroom to enjoy the spectacle while proactively declaring my innocence in the entire affair, "I'm sorry honey I didn't realize the gate wasn't up - I don't know why they do this."

The HLDW generally gives me a baleful stare and says, "Uh huh, sure. You just happen to forget to put the gate up EVERY MORNING. And wipe that stupid grin off your face it is way too early for you to be enjoying yourself this much."

At that point I climb into the bed and we snuggle and discuss the coming day. Ritual completed.

Today I added something new to the pouncing ritual. Well, actually, it isn't new, just something that I haven't done for awhile. I joined in on the pouncing. However, I'm not suicidal so I felt that fair warning was appropriate and as I came through the bedroom door I advised the HLDW that she was about to be Rhino pounced and that she should prepare accordingly. I stalked over to the bed in slow motion while doing the Steve Austin bionic man sound effect and proceeded to pounce. OK, to be honest, it was more of a smothering than a pounce but it had the desired effect which was to make the HLDW giggle uncontrollably. When she could catch her breath she did, of course, offer a critique of my pouncing abilities.

HLDW, "That was an interesting pounce. You used to pounce like Tigger but that was ummmm way more sedate."

Rhino, "Well, that was a middle-aged pounce. There is an unwritten rule that when a man enters his forties he is no longer permitted to pounce like Tigger. He might dislodge a hip or something."

HLDW, "I see. Well, you are getting rather decrepit being on the downside of your forties so I can see where that might be a concern for you."

Rhino, "Not me, I meant OTHER men in their forties. I could pounce you like a Tigger in its prime. I was just following the other unwritten rule."

HLDW, "Which is."

Rhino, "That a man should respect the potential frailty of a Pouncee if they are in their latter thirties."

HLDW, "Those potential frailties being? And I caution you to be very careful here"

Rhino, "You know - breaking of brittle bones, muscle pulls from loss of flexibility, possible cardiac issues from over-excitement, etc., etc."

HLDW, "I thought I warned you to be careful."

Rhino, "That was me being careful. I didn't even touch on any of the really terrifying possibilities."

HLDW, "Such as?"

Rhino, (Realizing that, once again, his mouth has outrun his common sense and survival instinct and that he needs to back-peddle as quickly as possible) "Well, we have no need to go there as it, quite obviously, wouldn't apply to you."

HLDW, "Really now?"

Rhino, "Oh yes, absolutely. As a matter of fact I would estimate that you have a relative Pouncee age of approximately 23 and could withstand multiple 'Tigger in its prime' pounces with no ill effect."

HLDW, "That's much better."

Rhino, "But you should still fear the Rhino pounce."

HLDW, "Oh, yes, I do. You know that I do."

Somehow I don't think she was serious about that last part. My first clue being the eye-roll. However, I decided to do the prudent thing and pretend I didn't see the eye-roll and take her comment as an offering to assuage my ego and declare it a victory. So, I proceeded to roll off and begin the snuggling.

Oh, yes, it is good to be the middle-aged but still able to pounce like a Tigger in its prime Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T21:24:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year Rhino lovers.

Good day here in Atlanta. Spent the day with good friends, traditional southern food that included black eyed peas and collard greens cooked with a ham hock (our hostess cooked some without the delicious ham for the HLDW). Followed that with good cigars and a phenomenal Islay single malt - Bunnahabhain.

Hope that all of you had a wonderful holiday season and get to relax a couple more days before hitting it hard on Monday.

Regards,
Rhino

Avatar and the HLDW

2009-12-27T20:38:00.004-05:00

NOTE: This won't be a review but there be SPOILERS beyond this paragraph so if you are the one or two people left who haven't seen Avatar yet I would strongly suggest you stop reading any further. You have been warned.

The HLDW* and I went to see Avatar this afternoon. The 3d version ... but not the IMAX 3d version as it was sold out. This isn't a review of the film since many better words have been written about it in other places and I don't really have much to add to what seems to be the consensus which is "meh" for the story and "OMFG" with respect to the effects, world of Pandora, etc. I will see it again - but in the IMAX version next time.

The HLDW isn't what I would call an SF fan but we do the couple trade-off with respect to movies. I see a chick flick (for instance we saw It's Complicated on Xmas day) and she does a quid pro quo and goes to see a Rhino flick. She really liked Star Trek (I told her because it was really Star Trek 90210) and she REALLY enjoyed Avatar. It warmed the cockles of her hippie liberal douche heart. That being said, this was the post-movie, driving to the Thai/Sushi restaurant conversation...

HLDW, "Oh my that was a really great movie."

Rhino, "I'm really glad that you liked it."

HLDW, "That world was amazing. Like a fairy world."

Rhino, "A fairy world where every form of life wants to eat you."

HLDW, "You know what I mean. They could commune with their world. It was amazing. I saw you sit up straighter during the war stuff. That was awful."

Rhino, "You know I love the explodey goodness stuff. And the good guys won."

HLDW, "Yeah, but it was terrible what the corporation guys did. At least the Nav'i got them to leave the planet so they could live in peace."

Rhino, "You know that..."

I trailed-off here as I had one of those very, very rare moments of clarity that results in the self censorship that is at the core of relationship preservation.

Rhino, "... oh, never mind."

HLDW, "What?"

Rhino, "Really, Sugar Bear, nothing. Never mind. I wasn't going to say anything."

HLDW, (now giving me the 'I really must know now and I'm not going to stop asking until you tell me even if I really don't want to hear it' penetrating stare) "C'mon, tell me. You can tell me.

Rhino, "You don't want to hear this."

HLDW, "Yes I do. Now give."

Rhino, "OK. You do realize that the Nav'i only have approximately 14 to 16 years to live after the end of the movie don't you?"

HLDW, "How do you figure that?"

Rhino, "They let the people go back to Earth."

HLDW, "So?"

Rhino, "You think that a Corporation that is willing to kill the indigenous population is going to let a planet full of stuff they need go after making that huge of an investment?"

HLDW, "Ummmmm"

Rhino, "So, it'll be 6 years back ... a couple of years for planning and equipping an invasion force and then 6 years back. So, that makes roughly 14 - 16 years turnaround."

HLDW, "Well, Pandora's creatures will just reunite to repel them again."

Rhino, "Welllllll ... if I was the Corporation guy I would just sit back and pummel them with kinetic weapons from orbit."

HLDW, "Kineti-whatsis?"

Rhino, "Big rocks dropped from space. They aren't nuclear so there won't be radiation and they will kill everything. There will be giant holes that will actually make it easier to get to the stuff they want to mine."

HLDW, "Well, they won't do that because it'll mess up the atmosphere."

Rhino, "That doesn't matter, remember the humans couldn't breathe on Pandora to begin with - they are used to working in sealed environments."

HLDW, "Oh yeah. That sucks."

Rhino, "Yeah. Majorly."

HLDW, "I hate it when you do that."

Rhino, "I know. I told you 'never mind' but you had to do that thing you do."

HLDW, "What?"

Rhino, "That 'I am woman and I want to know what you are thinking and it will drive me crazy if I don't know' thing."

HLDW, "Yeah, whatever, you could have lied."

Rhino, "Yeah, there is that. But that somehow always ends up biting me on the ass."

HLDW, "Still, they might survive."

I decide to take the high road here ...

Rhino, "Yeah, the Nav'i will have a lot of time to prepare and who knows what they'll come up with. I'm sure that it'll turn out OK. Besides, you know those Hollywood bastards aren't going to let a cash cow like this sit fallow and I'm sure that we'll get another movie."

HLDW, "Yeah, you're right."

Being the supremely calculating Rhino I know it is time to stop whenever I hear those sweet, sweet words.

We enjoyed dinner but there was little talk about the movie.

It is good to be the strategic, explodey goodness Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Mostly Ready for the Zombieapocalypse

2009-12-22T11:13:00.005-05:00

Went to the shooting range yesterday ... I haven't hefted a handgun in a lonnnnng time. Too long. Fired a nice Sig 9mm, a Colt 1911 .45, a Glock 9mm and a nifty .38 revolver. I have to say that the Sig was SWEeeeeEEEEeeeeeT.

Practiced 2 in the chest and 1 in the head for close in work in anticipation of the 2012 Mayan, Nostradamus prophesied zombie apocalypse. And before anyone says, "But Rhino, why shoot a zombie in the chest isn't that a waste of ammo?" you gotta' stand them up in order to get a clear shot at their head.

Not bad for an out of practice Rhino.

I think I see a Sig in my future.

Give the HLDW Some Love

2009-12-15T22:00:00.004-05:00

The HLDW* has a new column this week.

Per usual it is witty and well done and I'm an appropriately proud Rhino.

Go check it out and give her some love: HLDW Xmas Love

Thanks!

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

The HLDW's Iron Fist in a Velvet Glove

2009-12-02T15:47:00.003-05:00

Just need to share another reason why I am "A Man Who Loves His Wife".

I was between gigs for a couple of weeks so I decided to apply for unemployment to keep a little cash flow going. It is a PAINFUL process. One reports to the Department of Labor (DoL) center to sign-up - you have to watch a 30 minute video explaining the obvious before you are directed to a bank of PCs to complete the application process. I know I'm in for trouble when the word Georgia is misspelled at the beginning of the video. Yep. At a state office the official "how to" video has the name of the state misspelled. The bureaucrat leading the class advised that the video was made in Alabama thus explaining the error. Why the hell I couldn't do this from my home PC is beyond me.

After a week or so I receive a letter advising that my claim has been denied and that I need to report back to the office to speak to someone. DAMN! I report to the office and proceed to wait for 3 hours before having a 3 minute conversation with a clerk who advises me that I do indeed qualify for benefits and it will be corrected and that I should continue to do the weekly certification.

You know where this is going don't you?

Another week goes by and the online system advises that my certification was denied and I need to report to the office. Another 3 hour wait, another 2 minute conversation and the assurance that everything is fine.

It doesn't work. To make a long story longer I do this not once, not twice but three times. What a clusterfuck. I decide to try and circumvent the system and call the customer service number that is buried on the website and after being on hold for 72 minutes the drone du jour advises that they can't help me and that I need to go to purgatory, errrr, the center again.

The HLDW* offers to go with me the fourth time. Remember, she is the pepper grinder of the will and I've seen her go to work on bureaucrats in the past and she has NEVER lost a contest of wills with this species of drone. What the hell, if she wants to sit with me for 3 hours, I would love to have her company - not to mention that she has a way of keeping my Rhino rage in check. Those bastards don't know what is coming their way. I feel like I'm in that movie Tombstone when Johnny Ringo thinks he's going to fight Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday appears and says, "I'm your huckleberry". (Note to self - see if you can convince the HLDW to say "I'm your huckleberry in a southern accent. Additional note - be prepared for disappointment). Oh, yes, they don't have a clue.

So, we get there and we've been sitting there for an hour, the place is wall to wall with people, and the HLDW says to me, "This is ridiculous, I can see why you have Rhino rage whenever you have to come here." (OK, she didn't say Rhino rage. That there is what they call poetic license). I see "that gleam" in her eye as she gets up, whips out her cell phone and walks outside. She comes back a couple of minutes later and says that she met someone outside that has lost their house and they aren't getting unemployment and that they are running out of money and that she needs the car keys to open the trunk of our car to get the bags of groceries that we were going to donate later that day and that she'll get to my issue in a moment. Huh? She walks outside for 5 minutes on a mystery errand and in that time learns the history of a total stranger and is now helping them. Is there no wonder why I love her? I secretly suspect that I've connected with her in order to balance out the incredible karmic debt built up after so many years of decadence and all around bad Rhino behavior. She goes out the door again with keys in hand and cell phone plastered to her ear -- I hear her say the words, "Georgia Department of Labor central office please" as she hits the door. What is she up to?

A couple of minutes later she comes in and hands me the phone and says, "This is Alicia, tell her what is going on". I proceed to tell Alicia my story of woe. I hand the phone back to the HLDW and I hear a lot of "I knows", "Uh Huhs", "Immediately", "You are sooooo helpful", etc. She closes the phone and says to me, "Go up to the counter, the center manager will see you in 2 minutes".

WTF?!?!

OK, I'm a little incredulous, but do as she says. I've seen what she can do and I've learned to just roll with it (most of the time, anyway).

I rhino my way to the counter and as I get to the front of the crowd one of the keepers of the gate ladies is saying, "When Mr. Ross gets here let me know.". I say, "I'm Mr. Ross". She says, "Come with me". I am immediately ushered behind the armored door that says "Abandon All Hope All Ye Who Enter Here" ... OK, it actually said Employees Only Beyond this Point, but you get the point and am brought to an office with a sign on the door that says Assistant Manager. OK, I'll say it again - WTF. What hath the HLDW wrought?

I'm welcomed like a long lost rich relative by the woman in the office. She immediately pulls up my records, makes several calls and types furiously as she does so. She is a tornado of bureaucratic multitasking and I'm suitably impressed. At last she apologizes for my wait and advises that this time my claim has been resolved and that everything will be fine and here is her card that has her direct double secret probation bat-phone number that I can call if there are any more problems and, no, I don't ever have to show up there again.

OK, for symmetry sake I need to insert another WTF here.

I walk out, stunned, to find the HLDW sitting serenely reading her book. I tell her that we are done and can get out of there. Of course, the rabble sitting around us realize that something out of the ordinary has gone on ... I've circumvented the status quo and they smell it on me. They start asking what did I do and I mutter something incomprehensible as this can very quickly turn into an ugly mob situation with all of the frustration seething. Of course, the ever helpful HLDW explains that she called the GA DOL central office in Atlanta and advised them of the terrible service and wondered if they could help. Seeing cell phones being pulled out of pockets I grab her by the elbow and steer her to the door while whispering in her ear, "Sugar Bear, I think you have just ignited a potential riot". I very much doubt that 1 in 10 of the mob will approach the central office people in the polite yet firm manner of the HLDW. They won't get the same results and I can just see them turning on us when their hopes are dashed.

We escape, but not before the HLDW stops by to say goodbye to the gentleman to whom she gave the groceries. There is no excuse for rudeness in her world.

We pull out of the parking lot and I keep looking over at her and she says, "What are you doing?"

I've got a stupid grin on my face and I reply, "You never cease to amaze me. I'm supposed to be the one that 'gets stuff done' and you cut right through that clusterfuck with no problem whatsoever and feed a family for a week for a second act".

HLDW, "That was easy. You should have listened to me weeks ago. And do you really need to say clusterfuck so much?"

Rhino, "Forget the pepper grinder of the will ... you now possess the fist of iron in a velvet glove."

HLDW, "I like the sound of that."

Rhino, "Just use your powers for good ... and on behalf of my nefarious causes of course."

I am one lucky bastard.

And that, boys and girls, is just another reason (in a long, long list of reasons) why it is a very good thing to be The Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Relationship Nirvana - Re-Post for a Pending Husband

2009-08-21T10:24:00.003-04:00

This is a re-post for one of my Sri Lankan teammates that will soon leave the hallowed halls of bachelorhood. I feel honor bound to school him in the vagaries of husbandly survival.

He won't learn anything from this, of course.

I didn't when I was in his shoes.

I had to learn my lessons.

Painful lessons.

Many. Painful. Lessons.

Oh well ... Let's move on, shall we, to the recycled content...

Rhino's Guide to Relationship Nirvana
Originally posted Thu, 31 Aug 2006

If you've been reading this nascent indulgence of ego you know that I'm married to the archetype of hippie liberal douche bleeding hearts. And after reading about some of our interactions your next thought was probably, "How the hell does he keep her?” Well, for the first time anywhere I am going to share the secret ... The Rhino three step plan to ensure relationship nirvana.

Without further fanfare here it is:
1. Acknowledge.
2. Re-acknowledge & Empathize.
3. Act.

How to put this into action, you wonder? Well, it's all in the phraseology. I generally rely on a couple of stock, 'go-to' sets of phrases with the number one set being:
1. "Really?" (the acknowledgement)
2. "Wow. How do you feel about that?" (re-acknowledgement & expressing empathy)
3. "How can I help?" (act)

This simple formula will keep the female significant other as happy as a clam and save the man from the dreaded "We don't communicate" conversation

Now, let's see the process in action:

HLDW*, "I can't believe what Sally did today."

Rhino, Really? (internal monologue is, "I wonder if I'll have time to play Halo Online tonight ... I'd really like to look at that door that's squeaking ... and maybe sit on the porch and have a cigar with my beer ... uh oh, looks like she's ready to go on").

HLDW, "Yeah. She really invaded my emotional boundaries and I'm feeling as if she was acting inappropriately."

Rhino, "Wow. How do you feel about that?" (internal monologue is, "Hmmmm... pizza. No. Hmmmm... hot sausage hoagie. No. Hmmmmm... Cheese Steak Hoagie ... Yeah. Nice. And some onion rings ... that'd be good. Oh, wait, better not ... I'll get grease all over the X-Box controller ... ooooo I'm almost to level 10 in match play, maybe I'll break through to 11 tonight ... uh oh ... sounds like she's winding down ... I'd better do my squinty eyed contemplative look and nod my head as if I'm thinking.

HLDW, "It's really confusing because she's a good friend. I'm not sure."

Rhino, "How can I help?" (internal monologue is, "I bet she's going to say that she's not problem solving so I'm off the hook and won't actually have to do anything ... I wonder if she cut that fung toe thing off yet ... I'd really like to get some tonight but that skeeves me out ... uh oh ... looks like it's the wrap-up.)

HLDW, "Oh, I'm not really problem solving I just need to talk so there's not much you can do. I just appreciate you listening to me and that's what I really needed."

Rhino, OK Darlin' ... whatever you need.

Now, of course, you really have to adjust your tone and facial expressions to the situation - nodding is also good ... but don't be a freakin' bobble head doll. Also, try to vary your phraseology so that she doesn't notice the formula ... don't get me wrong ... she is going to be so thrilled that you are actually 'listening' to her that she would pretty much forgive/ignore most everything. An alternate phraseology example would be: Wow! What do you think about that? Is there anything I can do?
Warning ... don't get too Oprahish on her or she will begin to suspect something is up. Every now and again revert back to your normal behavior and just tell her that she's being illogical and explain how to fix it so she stops wasting your valuable time.

This stuff is easy once you break the code ... and it is a statistic that men that follow my plan get 250% more oral sex than those that don't.

Once again, that is why I'm the Rhino and you are not.Once again, that is why I'm the Rhino and you are not.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

A Shameless Plug for the HLDW

2009-08-02T13:07:00.004-04:00

Here's the scoop - in my prior post I wrote that the HLDW* was in line for a paying gig at the weekly alternative paper and that there might be a few hurdles. Well, we now know what the hurdles are. Evidently the Publisher has narrowed down the list of individuals that he wants to look at and is letting the readership help in the final decision. The week he published three pieces - one by the HLDW entitled Will Work Out for Hot Shower - and I am humbly (as humble as a Rhino can get) asking that you go read them here:

Stories of Hope

Then, and only then, if you like what the HLDW has written I would ask that you provide feedback to the paper. I want to stress that I only want you to do this if you think that she has the chops and the feedback is sincere.

From Publisher Kevin Moreau's editorial introducing the articles (with feedback directions):

We’ll be running other submissions, stories we either didn’t have room for this week or that take different approaches, in the coming weeks; your feedback on those stories, and these, will help us determine how we go about covering the recession—and who will help us do it. Drop us a line, either on our Web site, at sundaymail@sundaypaper.com or kevinmoreau@sundaypaper.com, and let us know what you think.

Until next week, be safe.

Well, there's you assignment ... now get cracking.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Rhino News

2009-07-23T12:03:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted in awhile - which is one way to drive away Rhino lovers. (There are others, of course, but you need to be in the general vicinity to experience those.)

Life has been rather crazed lately, bordering on chaotic, but in a good way for a change - lots of amazing things happening.

Looks like the HLDW* has broken into a paying writing gig. I am fairly bursting at the seams I'm so proud of her. It is "in process" as they say and there are a couple of hurdles remaining (but they are things she is in control of clearing) but the fact that she has gotten this far so quickly is nothing short of amazing. She is an incredible woman and I still marvel at the fact that she settled for me. I'm not sniffing at the potential of an additional revenue stream (as paltry as I've been warned it might be) either. Rhinos are all about the revenue stream.

On the start-up front - we are now an officially INCORPORATED business entity - an LLC no less. We are in the process of pulling a lot of threads together and are looking to be actively seeking business on Monday, 3 August. Things have worked out great with the contract as I work from home and start very early due to time zone considerations which leaves my late afternoons & evenings free to work on the new business venture - very key in that there is zero conflict with the much appreciated paying gig. On the suck side I've forgotten how much it truly blows to write a business plan. I've done it before and forgot how painful it is.

Oh, yeah, I'm COO. That's kinda' cool and think it will look good on a business card - The Rhino, COO.

On the home front - things are getting pretty much back to normal but there is still some distance to go. Jennicki wrote about the unemployment thing very eloquently and I think that I'd like to do something along those lines as well at some point - but I think I need some perspective as it is still very raw. After 18 months of on again/off again contract employment, coming within one day of losing the house, the constant worry of paying the bills, etc., I almost feel as if I'm suffering from some sort of PTSD at times. There is a core of anxiety that I'm still carrying around - it lessens every day - but it is still there. I'm almost afraid to be hopeful.

On top of all of the demands on my time I was asked to do a rush review of a HUGE pre-pub manuscript last week - and, before Havock bursts a blood vessel, it was NOT After America. There was absolutely no question that I was going to do it despite my lack of free time and it took a couple of very late nights. I can't really say what it was but it was awesome and had lots and lots of explodey goodness. I have multiple geekgasms when I do this kind of thing. Yes, the Rhino is a pathetic fanboy and it was worth every precious minute of sleep lost.

Oh, and I'm getting a free 42" plasma TV next weekend. Any time I get to type the words "free" and "plasma TV" in the same sentence it is always a good thing.

Anyway, that is the down and dirty update. I still need to write about another lost weekend at Steve's and I do have a double secret probation task to finish for another writer that I've sorta' kinda' dropped the ball on in all of the chaos during the last month.

All in all the karmic scales seem to be balancing once again and I am reminded that it really is good to be The Rhino.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife.

The Case of the Oatmeal Bandits

2009-06-17T09:51:00.009-04:00

So, the HLDW and I were gone for a couple of hours yesterday evening, out and about running errands, getting Indian takeaway, etc., you know, the day to day tasks of life, only to return to Chateau Rhino and stumble upon the following crime scene in the middle of the kitchen:

Somehow the carton of oatmeal that I had left on one of the counters was mysteriously transported to the floor, the lid was removed and the carton remained standing upright.

WTF?

The game is afoot.

I immediately round up the usual suspects. The cats, per usual, are inscrutable and are acting as if moving the oatmeal, much less eating it, is beneath their dignity. Forensic examination reveals no oatmeal flakes adhering to their whiskers so I have to release them for lack of evidence. I ask them to not leave the immediate environs in the event that I need to bring them back in for questioning. Being the cunning bastards they are they immediately lawyer-up and will resist any further interrogation attempts. Is it no wonder that I have yet to pin a crime on them.

The dogs are next. They must be the prime suspects in this case due to their criminal history. To say the least they are not criminal masterminds - the open and shut case of the paper towel roll disappearance of '08 will attest to that fact. They were immediately apprehended when the evidence was found shredded on their blankets and they failed to dispose of additional evidence attached to their wet doggy noses. Unsubtle does not begin to describe their modus operandi.

So, I'm a bit confused as, on the surface, this crime appears to be magnitudes more sophisticated than their usual M.O.

To wit:
1. The carton is mysteriously intact. Their standard M.O. is to eat through whatever is holding the thing that they really want to eat.
2. The lid has been removed cleanly. See point number one. Besides, there were no opposable thumbs present - so how the hell did they do that.
3. There is no debris field around the carton - past performance would indicate that they would have gone into a feeding frenzy or at least knocked over the carton wrestling once the target was breached.
4. There was oatmeal left in the carton. If anything, they have been thorough in the past with respect to fully devouring their ill-gotten gains.
5. Their snouts and coats are disturbingly clean.

So, despite my suspicions I must release them for lack of evidence. Unlike the cats they do not immediately lawyer-up. I can't decide if this is because they are being their usually cocksure selves or if they are out of cell phone minutes for the month.

I don't know ... I'll let you decide ... take a look at this mug shot taken moments after our stumbling upon the crime scene and the aforementioned rounding up of usual suspects:

Is this the look of guilt?

I for sure know that despite being as frugal as I am and no evidence that any of the oatmeal was eaten by any domesticated animal residing at Chateau Rhino the remainder of that carton is going in the trash.

OK, OK, in the interest of full disclosure I will admit that I did consider that I could salvage some of the oatmeal if I removed a precise layer of 'potentially slobbered upon' oatmeal. But the HLDW vetoed this immediately and common sense prevailed.

It is good to be Sherlock Rhino.

Update for the Rhino Lovers

2009-06-14T11:47:00.004-04:00

Just a general update for the Rhino lovers amongst you - you know who you are.

The Home Front

Had the 11th wedding anniversary with the HLDW last night ... a splendid time was had by all. The HLDW certainly appreciated the gift of the 2-hour massage (female masseuse - I checked) and the mani/pedi session. We had a great Mexican food dinner at a little hole in the wall that has been voted tops in Atlanta for oh, like a decade or something. Then we met up with my chef buddy and his wife - who happen to share our anniversary date - at another hole in the wall for drinks and listening to a band (blues). To top it off, as we were leaving, the HLDW noticed that there was one of those newpaper holder thingys outside the bar for the free weekly tabloid to which she contributes ... and the new issue had just been loaded that contained her new article. This delighted her to no end and was the perfect capper to a very nice day. You can find it here: http://www.thesundaypaper.com/More/Archives/tabid/98/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/4154/Role-models.aspx

Some may scoff at 11 years, as most of my married friends around the same age are up to the late teens or early 20's or more, but this is from a Rhino that never thought he would get married, EVAR. So, I'm feeling pretty good about it - I am a man who loves his wife.

I was great to have a stress free day as the last 2 weeks have been unending hell as we are still dealing with the fallout from 18 months of unemployment/short-term employment. We have one major issue to resolve and I believe that this will be the final hurdle to get us back on the path to normality - but at this point I'm not sure that the cure won't be worse than the disease. We'll see. There were glimmers of hope on Friday and I'm hoping that Monday brings that to fruition.

The Work Front

The new gig is proceeding well. There are some challenges that I'm still adjusting to - amongst them are the time zone differences and not getting into a solid sleep schedule to cope. The biggest challenge though is the thing that I thought would be the easiest - working from home. Don't get me wrong, it is majorly SWEET that my commute is the 2 minutes it takes me to make my way from the bed to the office and that I can take a tea & cigar break pretty much whenever I want. The upside is the downside as well in that I'm HOME pretty much ALL DAY. The HLDW is beginning to realize just how much she enjoyed having me out of the house for 10 or so hours each day - and I reciprocate those feelings. I tried working some at the cigar shop a couple of times. Funny how things works, when unemployed I would visit the cigar shop during work hours and it would be fairly quiet - to the point where I'd take the occasional nap. However, now that I need to engage in conference calls as a key component of my work day, the couple of times I tried to work there seemed to coincide with visits of large gangs of apparently deaf loud talkers that require the volume of the news channel to be turned up to 11. Or, as on one visit, one of the owners that is a great friend but does not engage in a lot of unnecessary conversation during working hours felt the need to be the most gregarious and engaging man in the world. Over the weekend I found a huge coffee shop with free wifi up the street so I'm going to give that a try next week.

Well, that's where things stand for the moment ... lots more of course but most of it is the minutiae of daily life, but them there's the basics.

Hope that life is treating you well.

Regards,
Rhino

Sri Lanka v Australia - WTF Guys?

2009-06-10T10:32:00.002-04:00

My virtual and work worlds collided yesterday in yet another demonstration of why the interwebs rock.

Had a Skype confernce call very, very, early local time yesterday with my boss in London and members of the development team in Sri Lanka and the pre-meeting chit chat was all about the upset of Australia by Sri Lankan in the Twenty20.

Everyone was happy. Funny thing I noticed though - my boss refuses to say the word Austalians - he will only say, "Sons of English convicts" when referring to ye lads down under. Don't know where that animosity comes from. The Sri Lankans, needless to say, were full of themselves. I'm not sure what pleased them most; the end of their 26 year long civil war or this cricket victory.

I mentioned, of course, that I have a lot of Aussie buds and that I needed to write about this in my blog ... and the flood gate of links to articles began to flood my in box. They really are a vindictive bunch. I tried to stand up for you I really did - but I felt queasy trying to defend a poofy game that I didn't give a rat's arse about and, besides, I really needed them to knock out some serious code this week.

by the way, what the hell does this tag line from The Telegraph mean?

A sign in the crowd after Australia's early exit from the World Twenty20 at the hands of Sri Lanka summed it up: "Enjoy Leicester, Ricky".

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say, WTF guys - y'all are embarrassing me in the work place.

Harden the fuck up, will ya.

Regards,
Rhino

A Perfect Storm of Douchiness

2009-05-31T21:59:00.003-04:00

Went downtown this afternoon to grab some lunch with the HLDW. We are working through a list of restaurants featured in an Atlanta magazine article entitled Cheap Eats. The destination today was a really quirky Thai restaurant located in a douchy rich neighborhood by name of Virginia Highlands. Virginia Highlands is an upscale hipsters delight - lots of shops, restaurants, the obligatory used book store and coffee shop, lots of really old, huge houses on tree lined streets, etc. In all honesty, it really is a nice place ... and I do LOVE the Paolo's Gelato, but it just feels like it is just trying too hard, very smug, know what I mean?

Anyway, on the way, stopped at a traffic signal, we encountered a Perfect Storm of Upper Middle Class Douchiness on display. I whipped out the cell phone to capture this:

We've got a lot of things going on here - so wonderful:
1. The wondrous liberal douche bumper sticker with the word 'coexist' spelled using religious symbols.
2. The "I Belong in the Zoo" Atlanta Zoo patron bumper sticker. Hey Douche, the chimpanzees just called and they said that if they ever actually see your pretentious ass at the zoo they are saving a special pile of poo to fling at you.
3. The little white sticker to the left of the license plate is a bragging sticker that they have the disposable income to send their spawn to a private school.
4. But the topper that clinches their douche master status has to be the licesnse plate itself:

LTLFEAT

Are you kidding me?

I wanted to follow this twit just to see what kind of aging hippie, LSD besotted bag of damaged DNA would emerge but my hunger for Thai noodles won out and I turned.

Note on the Thai restaurant. It is literally a one man operation - he seats you, is the waiter and bartender and does all of the cooking. Read several reviews and the food is supposed to be awesome - but every one of the reviews also cautioned that you shouldn't be in a hurry if you go. We called ahead to make sure they were going to be open. When we got there I scored a parking place on the street in front - sweet. The restaurant/house is really rundown and is decorated (and I use the word loosely) in a rather eclectic, funky style. If you walked by you would probably keep going and not even realize that it is a restaurant. The walkway to the front door is covered by a trellis and you can see the front patio - lots of tables, greenery, looks cool - and the front windows of the place are wide open and more resemble an open veranda than anything else. We can hear a TV blaring over the bar in the front area and see tables. There are a couple of signs that say "Come In - We're Open" displayed. So, we walk up to the door ... it isn't really a door ... rather it is a door sized wire gate. I yank on the gate and, surprise, it is chained and padlocked closed. Then I realize what was bothering me as we were walking up ... no customers on the patio and none inside that I could see. No one at all. Weird. I knock on the gate and give a half-hearted 'hello is anyone there?". No response. Repeat knock/hello combo but a little louder this time. Still no response.

Maybe there is another entrance? Do a recon around the building - nope. Back at the gate. Whip out the cell phone and call the restaurant. I can hear the phone ringing in the restaruant. It rings and rings and rings. No answer. What the hell? I just called 30 minutes earlier and they said that they would be open until midnight. The 'open' signs are posted. The tables on the patio are set with utensils and glasses.

WTF? Does this mean that there will be NO THAI NOODLES FOR THE RHINO!?!?!?!

Time to regroup. Thankfully, I'm in an upscale douch-nozzle neighborhood and there are a veritable plethora of restaurants in walking distance (I AM NOT going to give up that sweet parking space). We walk up the street and find another Thai joint - nice place, good food but will definitely NOT be featured in a future cheap eats article.

Afterwards we repaired to Paolo's Gelato. The HLDW* made a typical HLDW choice - a scoop of rosemary gelato and a scoop of hazelnut gelato. In the same cup. Talk about war on the taste buds. I had the zabaglione (banana) and tartufo (chocolate rum).

Life was good again.

It is good to be the Thai noodle eatin', gelato licking Rhino on a warm Sunday afternoon.

The Company Tag Line

2009-05-27T16:39:00.003-04:00

The tag line for the company we're forming:

In the Ruthless Pursuit of Excellence.

Thoughts?

Too corporate B.S.?

I liked the use of the word 'ruthless'.

Burgers at The Vortex

2009-05-26T05:08:00.005-04:00

Took the HLDW* to one of the best burger 'n beer spots in Atlanta for lunch yesterday - The Vortex (Link here: http://www.thevortexbarandgrill.com/).

This joint is located in a neighborhood known as Little Five Points - the obligatory urban bohemian area that any large city supports. You know the type; populated by the strung-out, the tattooed and pierced and the generally disaffected youth and burnt out aging hippies. Of course, since this is the Deep South, you need to throw in a freshly scrubbed fundamentalist Christian standing on the corner and wearing a pressed white shirt and tie, screaming the "WORD OF GOD" at the top of his lungs in an effort to "SAVE" the aforementioned strung-out, tattooed, etc. Essentially, this is a petting zoo for the HLDW and she loves it. For me it is a land of situational awareness overload, constant proximity alerts and strained neck muscles from scanning for targets. However, I am a man who loves his charred cow flesh so I wade into this human microcosm of hepatitis-C and herpes donors on occasion to partake of the burger glory that is The Vortex.

Props to the HLDW* as she loves this joint as much as I do as they have a veggie burger alternative. I know, I know Bedak and BarnesM - the very idea of something called a veggie burger is an oxymoron and a perversion before the eyes of God. But, it gets me a pass into joints like this so I'm just grateful and look the other way whenever she orders.

The burgers are hand formed patties grilled-up short order style and dressed in a variety of ways with good stuff. One of my favorites is the Coronary Bypass which has 3 slices of cheese, 4 slices of bacon and a fried egg. There are very few things in life that cannot be improved by the addition of a fried egg. I have never had the testicular fortitude to order the Double Coronary, which, as you might guess, doubles the ingredients of the Coronary Bypass. The twist, however, is that the 2 burger patties, several slices of cheese and bacon and 2 fried eggs are sandwiched between 2 grilled cheese sandwiches in lieu of the standard hamburger bun. OK, I've wanted to try it but the laser like glare from the HLDW anytime my eyes stray to that part of the menu is truly something to behold. The awesomeness of the Vortex experience is ratcheted-up as one of the choices of side items is TATER TOTS! They do their tots well here - they come to the table hot and crispy - I've never had a soggy tot in The Vortex.

Which brings us to the point of this particular missive. There is one item on the burger menu that is such an unusually off-putting amalgamation of sweet and savory ingredients that I've been reticent to try it. It is a play on the gastronomical proclivities of a Southern icon ... The Elvis Burger. Elvis, as is widely known, was fond of fried Fluffer Nutter sandwiches - a combo of peanut butter, banana and marshmallow creme grilled together.

The Elvis Burger is essentially a bacon cheeseburger that has a healthy portion of smooth peanut butter and fried banana slices added to it. Strange combo but I steeled my nerve and decided to just go for it. The burger was daunting in its sheer size as the banana slices were rather large and stacked so it was a challenge for the mighty jaws of The Rhino to engulf it for a bite. But, in true Rhino fashion, I persevered and was rewarded with an explosion of flavors - balanced savory and sweet. The peanut butter was set against the smokiness of the bacon and the bananas were not overly sweet (something that I feared going in) and they added a nice touch of creaminess - the creaminess offset the lack any other condiment. All in all I was pleasantly surprised. The Elvis Burger is a winner.

When trying something new the final question I ask myself is, "Would I eat it again?" and the verdict this time is yes indeed, I would.

A fine lunch was had by all.

It is good to be the gastronomically adventurous Rhino.

Well, at least this time.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Quick Update

2009-05-20T09:57:00.003-04:00

Has it really been 20 days since I last posted?

Job is going well. Getting the kinks out with respect to the challenges presented by the span of time zones. Getting up early but still not being able to fall asleep until later in the evening (bad habit) had me zombified for the first 2 weeks. However, that is what one would describe as 'high class pain'.

The consultancy is moving forward. We have achieved several milestones: naming the company, obtaining web domain (no website yet), registering for tax ID, Dunn's number, etc. We are moving full steam ahead and the goal is to have a revenue stream going within the next few months so that I don't need to sweat when my current contract is completed at the end of the year. I can't go into any detail as of yet but we believe that we will have the ability to tap into a VERY lucrative revenue stream.

Also, I've got another extremely cool thing going on that must stay under wraps for the time being as well.

Well, I really didn't tell you (in the words of an Irish co-worker) "Feck All" in this update other than I'm settling back into work life and I'm working on stuff that will obviate my need to rely on "The Man" for my living in the future.

If ever I need to keep in mind that it is good to be The Rhino it is now.

Rhino Signs on the Dotted Line

2009-05-01T22:59:00.004-04:00

Well, your ever lovin' Rhino is rejoining the ranks of the gainfully employed beginning 5/5 - I met with a guy today and signed a contract through 12/31/09 - so that will give me 8 months of serious cash flow while my partners and I ramp up our consultancy here. The gig is with a software company and I'll be managing the monthly release (yes, I said monthly, which is insane - just ask Orin) of enhancements for the application installed at their largest customer. I'm led to understand that the process is chaos personified and that they need a strong horn, errr hand, to take the reins on both sides of the equation.

Amazing what one can do in this information age ... This gig is for an Irish sofware company and their HQ in Wicklow, Ireland. The U.S. office of the company is in San Francisco. My boss is based in London. The application development team is in Sri Lanka. Their client is in Miami. Fortunately, I'll have to do ZERO travel. I'll work very closely with all of these people for the next eight months and, most likely, I'll never meet any of them face to face.

I was contacted for the gig, out of the blue, a couple of days ago by a guy I hired and mentored at a start-up 7 years ago - he lives in Atlanta and now works for this company as a road warrior. I spoke to the London guy yesterday morning (smart and funny) and he liked me, of course, as I am funny and smart, so instead of them just emailing the contract to me my old protege and I took the opportunity to meet for coffee and to play catch-up. My little project manager is all grown up now - I'm so proud. Actually, it really is great to see someone that I've had an impact on, a positive one in this case, grow up to be successful. To be completely candid (and fair), in my early days I was a complete and utter shark and left a little more than my fair share of destroyed careers in my wake. The sick part is that I don't regret one.

I'll work out of my home office. Official uniform of the day will be boxer shorts and t-shirt. My secondary office will be, of course, the cigar shop. I'll have to sacrifice and put on a pair of shorts when working there. Shoes will be optional at either location.

I need to go out tomorrow to buy my Skype headset and credits. Should probably review business etiquette for Sri Lanka as well.

I have a feeling that my life just got very interesting ... especially when I start doing the time zone shuffle.

Thanks for all of the support you freaks.

Re-Post of "How Much?"

2009-04-22T22:43:00.001-04:00

This was one of my very early posts and is one of my faves...

How Much?
posted Sun, 28 Oct 2007 10:27:54 -0700

Actual conversation with HLDW* yesterday afternoon in the car:

HLDW, "I love you very much."

Rhino, "How much?"

HLDW, (surprised that anything but 'I love you too' came out of my mouth) "What?"

Rhino, "How much do you love me? Quantify that statement, please, so I know for certain just how much."

HLDW, (goes for poetic response) "So much that my heart is full for you."

Rhino, "Really? So, what if you have a tiny, stony heart? Then you don't really love me all that much at all, do you?"

HLDW, "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Rhino, "I'm just saying that if you do indeed have a tiny, stony Grinch-like heart that there isn't much room in there for love but, in fact, your real, albeit secret, desire is to steal Christmas."

HLDW, "That's crazy, you are insane."

Rhino, "However, even If you did have a stony heart that'd be alright, cause I could just drag you behind the car through the snow until your heart enlarged"

HLDW, "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Rhino, "You know, at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas when he is trying to save his sled, he is pulled through the snow and his heart grows to like 15x it's normal size and he is filled with love. We'll simulate that by dragging you through the snow for a couple of miles. Although, I thought that having an enlarged heart was dangerous - but, hey, I'm not a doctor."

HLDW, (now sucked in by my dementia and fully participating) "This is Atlanta, we don't have snow."

Rhino, "Hmmm, good point. I know, we'll go to Pittsburgh and we see my family. That way we can take care of 2 things at once, see Mum and enlarge your stony excuse for a heart."

HLDW, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A STONY HEART!"

Rhino, "As far as you know, have you ever seen it?." (Staring off into distance) Yeah, it'll be nice to see Mum again. I wonder how much rope I should use?"

HLDW, "Forget I said anything."

Rhino, "You know I really do love you too."

HLDW, "Yeah, I know. And don't even think about trying to drag me behind the car."

Rhino, "But it's for SCIENCE."

HLDW, "No."

Rhino, "Dang."

I love it when I can work the Grinch into a conversation.

R.

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Steve is Home

2009-04-19T22:57:00.004-04:00

Steve has returned from Moscow. Alive.

He had a great time. Drank several Russians, a Finn, a Mongolian, a Brit and a couple of Frenchies under the table whilst there - with the pictures to prove it.

The Finn began his interlude with Steve with the following comment, "Americans are pussies." By the end of the night, just before passing out, that tune was updated to, "My god, you drink just like a Finn". High praise coming from the son of the sun deprived, alcoholic, depression and suicide inclined land.

Vodka was cheap - $10 a bottle. Scotch was not - $385 a bottle.

I didn't get a furry hat.

But Steve came home alive.

So, there is that.

I still would have liked a hat though.

I Might Need Natalie's Contacts in Moscow

2009-04-09T22:18:00.005-04:00

My buddy Steve left for a jaunt to Moscow this week - he left on Tuesday.

Alone.

Just because.

I wrote about Steve a couple of times back in the JSpace days. He is a GREAT friend whose mutant power is the ability to make fun hurt.

Perhaps a bit of important information that I need to share... Steve has stated on several occasions that one of his life's goals is to visit a former Eastern Bloc country with the express purpose of visiting a posh club to reenact his favorite scene from the Vin Diesel masterpiece Triple XxX.

No, he doesn't want to be the Vin Diesel Character. He doesn't even want to be the main villain. No, he is a humble sort and only wants to play one part - that of The Lackey. You know, the one who says the immortal words, "Bitches come".

Did I mention that the line must be shouted in a thick Slavic accent? You know, for authenticity's sake.

I didn't? Huh.

Did I also fail to mention that he has been practicing?

A lot.

For those of you that are not fans of that "once every generation" actor Vin Diesel here is a link to that pivotal scene: Bitches Come.

I'll ask you guys ... what are the odds that this man will be spending some serious quality time in Lubyanka?

Yes, he is naked under that raft. This was taken in Honduras a couple of years ago - after he ran through the house naked, scaring the kitchen and maid staff, dove into the pool and proceeded to lose 3 out of 5 rounds to the raft.

He wanted me to go. Thank Odin that I could use the job situation as an excuse to bow out.

I wonder what excuse I'll use when he starts nudging me again to go to Amsterdam with him in November where he'll be a judge for High Times magazine's Cannabis Cup.

At least I have a few months to think of something.

I hope that the SVR thugs administering his beatings don't get any of his bodily fluids on the giant fur hat that he's supposed to bring back for me.

That would just be gross.

The Flow

2009-04-08T20:37:00.002-04:00

So, instead of continuing with my sook I decided to get off my duff and try to think outside the box a little bit to get "the flow" going. I'm a believer that the more positive energy that you cast out into the universe it will respond accordingly (put some blame on the HLDW for that one) - but it has worked in the past and I've gotten away from that lately to my detriment.

Looking at the feedback from the prior post I said to myself, "Rhino, you rat bastard, you do have a buttload of experience and need to take control of your destiny and stop being a whiny bastard." So, I got with one of my cigar cronies and outlined my ideas for a consultancy. He loved the concept and shanghaied someone else that he felt would be perfect. We met today for a couple of hours and are actively pursuing the initial stages of starting our own business. More details forthcoming as we move forward.

Well, as soon as we finished our meeting I received back to back calls from recruiters that need someone RIGHT NOW. Now, here is where the universe gets all intrudey. I took the first call at the cigar shop just as one of my other buds walked in ... he heard me say the name of the company looking for help and said, "I'm starting a contract there on Monday". I gave him some more details and it turns out that he will be working in the same sphere as I would so he placed a call to the guy that he is working for to put in a good word. Weird but cool.

The second call was from a recruiter and it turns out that I have a very solid inside contact there that I've worked with before, so I spoke to them this evening and it turns out the role is for her boss or her boss' peer and she thinks that I would be PERFECT for it. Hourly rate at $65/hour is very workable as well.

Downside is that both contracts are for an initial 3 months with possible extension for one year. That works though as we are looking for grant money to get the consultancy off the ground - one of my partners is a woman and one is black (and a West Point grad) so we are going to tap all of those minority based sources - and that could take some time.

Well, I'm off to begin drafting our business plan and trying to gen up a name so that we can secure a website.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words.

Now, to generate some cash before the lights get turned off at the Chateau. Anyone have a spare $500 lying about? I have a PayPal account.

I got reminded of why it is good to be The Rhino today and it felt damned good.

What I've Done - Professionally

2009-04-07T10:17:00.003-04:00

In the last post I mixed whining about having the rebuild my PC after a virus attack with my angst about the employment situation.

I'm not one to share this kind of stuff ... but what the hell - I'm feeling pretty down and I just don't give a damn right now and maybe it will make me fell a bit better if I just write it down. Actually, I believe that I'll just be embarrassed later because I gave into a moment of weakness, but what the hell. Oh, and the frustration isn't just about me - I can deal with a lot of stuff - the pain comes from having seeing the pain I'm putting the HLDW through. She is SO supportive - but I know that she is scared - which breaks my fucking heart.

Here's the short version of the last 18 months:
1. Downsized from an investment bank in 10/2007.
2. Picked up a contract gig from January - May 2008.
3. Out of work June - August 2008.
4. Picked-up a couple of contracts from September - December 2008. The second contract was supposed to go perm but found out on 12/23 ( a week before I was supposed to start) that the position I was going to fill was frozen.
5. Haven't worked in 2009 - I've been submitted for some contract jobs (with no success) and had a promising interview last week that I'm waiting to hear back on.

I've been doing everything that I know how to do and have been following a lot of advice.
1. I've put together several resumes highlighting different aspects of my professional life.
2. I've networked like crazy - using my LinkedIn contacts, looking for inside sources to tap when I do get a lead, etc.
3. I write a mean cover letter.
4. I follow-up every lead like a pit bull.

I am a firm believer in the power of a positive mindset. In great economies people fail. In bad economies people prosper. I've been told by numerous people that I have "mad writing skillz" and wished that I knew away to make some money using them.

So, you were wondering what it is that I've done - the short answer is a lot of things - I've done the multi-national corp thing, the start-up thing, the contract/consulting thing ... here's the ol' resume, or C.V. for you Empire type folks (with contact info masked) - who knows, maybe someone will see this and know of an opportunity:

ROGER ROSS
(personal info deleted)

PROFILE
Seasoned Program Manager with extensive technology, operations, and finance expertise.

- Dynamic leader skilled in building teams while taking a hands-on management approach to deliver results.
- Astute problem solver who quickly absorbs and acts on information to develop and implement effective solutions.
- Solid ability to conceptualize, develop and execute strategies that foster a culture of success.
- Clear communicator with polished interpersonal and negotiation skills.
- Proven record of building and leading teams to achieve organizational change and drive continuous quality improvement saving millions of dollars.

SKILL SET
- Project and program management – PMI PMBOK, TQM.
- Software Development Lifecycle (SDLC), business analysis, JAD, wire frames, PRD, QA, AGILE, RUP, CMM and change management.
- Business process mapping, redesign and change management.
- Internal audit, establishing business controls, policies & procedures, SAS-70, SOX, PCI, COBIT.
- Establishing and leading PMO and professional services organizations.
- Network engineering and IT infrastructure management.
- Strategic planning, M&A integration and functional outsourcing.
- Supply chain optimization, consumer products manufacturing & logistics operations.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

GLOBAL PAYMENTS INC – Atlanta, GA 2008
Contract Project Manager
Engaged to lead project to create a web portal to provide customer’s with secure access to invoices and other supporting documentation.
- Led stakeholders and matrix project team through Initiating and Planning project phases that identified solution choice and set project scheduling and resource requirements.
- Delivered project charter, product requirements document, project schedules and PERT diagrams.
- Engagement successfully concluded on 12.31.2008.

INCOMM – Atlanta, GA 2008
Contract Project Manager
Engaged to formalize all network policies in conjunction with the Payment Card Industry (PCI) certification initiative.
- Led effort to establish documented policies, processes and procedures required to obtain third-party Payment Card Industry certification.
- Scope included creating standards for firewall, router, server, encryption, change control, information security and vulnerability management.
- Incorporated NIST standards into security documentation.
- Engagement successfully concluded on 10.9.2008.

TSYS (TOTAL SYSTEMS SERVICES) LOYALTY – Atlanta, GA 2008
Contract Program Manager
Engaged to lead the Payment Card Industry (PCI) certification project.
- Led project to establish IT controls, processes and procedures required to obtain third-party Payment Card Industry certification.
- Project included upgrading existing applications through SDLC practices and introducing new applications seamlessly into existing infrastructure.
- Engagement successfully concluded with acquisition of PCI certification on 5.31.2008.

SUNTRUST ROBINSON HUMPHREY CAPITAL MARKETS – Atlanta, GA 2004-2007
Vice President, Technology Risk, 2005-2007
Retained process ownership and oversight of all technology risk activities for the Systems and Technology Group and additional project management responsibilities.
- Managed the IT control environment across all IT functions, including Program Development, Program Change, Computer Operations, and Access to Programs & Data to ensure compliance with internal and external audit regulatory requirements.
- Established a formal technology Project Management Office (PMO), including implementation of standard technology PMO methodology and installation of MS Project Server.
- Conduct IT audit activities; testing, remediation, SAS-70 reviews and updates.
- Led project team through SDLC to develop a web-based investment bank client services portal from conception through launch including; product requirements, technical design, QA and stake holder sign-off.

Contract Program Manager - Sarbanes-Oxley Controls Implementation Initiative, 2004-2005
Engaged to establish the control infrastructure for the Systems and Technology group utilizing the Control Objectives for Information and related Technology (COBIT) structure.
- Established IT controls environment across all IT functions; Program Development, Program Change, Computer Operations, Access to Programs & Data to meet internal and external SOX compliance requirements.
- Wrote and executed test plans of technology controls and led post-test remediation efforts of deficient controls to ensure future compliance to internal or external regulatory requirements.

NDCHEALTH – Atlanta, GA 2004
Contract Program Manger - PMO
Established the PMO required to conduct Sarbanes-Oxley 404 documentation, testing and remediation efforts across 14 business units.
- Led a cross-functional project team consisting of internal and external resources to establish the processes, procedures and project controls required for the SOX PMO. Work product included project plans, resource forecasts, standard reporting and internal & external communication tools.
- Oracle ICM environment.

INSOL & KAPPA CARD CORPORATION – Atlanta, GA 2001-2004
Vice President, Operations at Insol, 2002-2004
Led the turnaround of an IT Services Company.
- Succeeded in returning company to net profitability in FY 2003 by establishing essential business practices including strategic business plans, budgets, cash flow models and business forecasts.
- Established engineering, accounting and business processes, controls and policies to drive efficiencies and approved all statements of work and technical project designs.
- Established project management and service delivery processes and procedures.
- Directly managed service delivery by MCSE engineers and customer accounts.

Vice President, Operations, Finance & Administration at Kappa Card Corporation, 2001-2002
Built all operations of e-commerce start-up including service delivery, product development, proprietary software & technology, customer care & finance. Incubated at Insol.
- Designed web-based, secure, pre-paid card distribution, activation and tracking application that would function as the foundation for the company and led SDLC efforts.
- Developed project management and service delivery processes and procedures.
- Oversaw product management including card design and messaging.
- Wrote business plans, leading to the successful sourcing of investors and funding on favorable terms.
- Led the sourcing, evaluation and negotiation of strategic partnerships to deliver online content and to provide for specialized encryption and security expertise.

180COMMERCE INC – Atlanta, GA 2000-2001
Vice President, Operations
Built operations of software start-up including product development through SDLC; also created professional and production services, and PMO.
- Led SDLC of ERP application utilizing Java, XSL/XSLT, Oracle Database, EAI, and Workflow components which succeeded in bringing software to market in 120 days.
- Led JAD sessions, wrote product requirements documents, use cases, wire frames and test scripts.
- Established PMO and authored professional services delivery methodology.
- Led negotiations for core EAI middleware platform resulting in $1.5 million savings.
- Established critical business development relationships with Philips Electronics, Black & Decker, Motorola, and HP and responsible for initial customer acquisition (BellSouth)

OCÉ-USA, INC – Chicago, IL 1998-2000
Director, Strategic Accounts and Services
Established and led the cross-functional, mass-customization organization necessary to sustain growth.
- Reengineered the Customer Order Fulfillment process across the supply chain resulting in significant resource efficiencies allowing for business growth without the addition of supporting FTE’s.
- Delivered $2.0 million in savings by planning and leading internal process improvement initiatives.
- Established and led the Strategic Accounts and Services group.
- Led implementation of ISO-9001 standards in Customer Order Fulfillment to drive standardization of process and identify improvement opportunities.
- Led project team that successfully integrated an AS-400 based ERP financial/leasing module into existing system allowing successful migration of data from legacy systems.
- Planned, created and executed multiple project management engagements.

SUNBEAM CORPORATION – Boca Raton, FL 1995-1998
Project and Process Redesign Manager
Served as change agent driving process improvement, acquisition integration, cost reduction and internal controls across functional groups.
- Led multi-national process reengineering and reimplementation of JD Edwards ERP application that resulted in the consolidation of divisional IT structures and standardization across the corporate footprint.
- Planned, created, and executed projects for Purchasing, Accounts Payable, Marketing, Information Systems and International Logistics.
- Delivered over $20.0 million in savings by planning and leading process improvement initiatives.
- Led acquisitions integration for Mr. Coffee, Coleman, and EastPak.

EDUCATION
Political Science, Duquesne University – Pittsburgh, PA

Virus Attack

2009-04-06T23:55:00.003-04:00

Been down for the last couple of days ... PC got a nasty virus and I was doing everything that I could in lieu of actually wiping the damned drive and rebuilding. Didn't work, of course ... and here we are 2 days later.

Not necessarily a bad thing as I've been an angsty Rhino and not really feeling like communicating ... the waiting for the phone to ring with employment thing is getting to me after 3 solid months. I generally save this space to write about positive/funny stuff - but WTF! Yes, yes, yes, before you say it, I am feeling a bit of a sook coming on. By Christ's hairy balls there is only so much sitting on the porch reading and hanging at the cigar shop that a man can do before he goes off the deep end.

Anyway - thought I'd at least post some filler so as to not disappoint people stopping by.

Christ, maybe I ought to post the resume here to gen-up some interest.

The Rhino Returns

2009-03-29T22:55:00.010-04:00

I've returned from Honduras - mostly intact. It was a great 4 days and there is much to write about. Many cigars were smoked, gallons of rum drunk, and many miles walked by 17 stalwarts of Cigar Camp (The first rule of Cigar Camp is ...). The weather was gorgeous.

As I'm still recovering from my return (which was 17 hours of HELL) today's post will be a few pictures and brief commentary. I'll follow-up with more detail and a lot more pics in the days ahead.

Picture taken outside of the Tegucigalpa airport ... that would be a Pizza Hut A Burger King and a Church's Fried Chicken. Goooooooo Capitalism!

A "Pulperia" or small market on the road side. These things are everywhere. I thought this one looked cool - so there you go.

Kidnappings and such are on the rise in Honduras ... so we had to have an armed guard with us at all times - we named him Senor Pistola. Here he is on the right (on the left is Mike "2-Bell" Patel - no relation to Rocky Patel, our host) - I'll get to why we called him 2-Bell in a future post. In hindsight, I suppose it wasn't the best plan to to ply Senor Pistola with rum. Oh well. More importantly, he stood guard over the cooler on the bus and passed around "cerveza, hace frio, por favor".

We stayed at a different house than the last trip. The accommodations were outstanding. All of the rooms of the house, including the bedrooms, opened directly onto a courtyard that had a pool, cabana thing, an outdoor kitchen, full bar and couple of seating areas with couches and chairs. There was also an indoor kitchen and dining room as well. Above are some of the guys chilling in the bar seating area.

A view of the pool and cabana area.

Guys maxing and relaxing in the cabana.

The fountain area and circular seating ... very relaxing.

We ate well ... above are the kabobs that we had for lunch one day. Pork, beef and chicken. Served with rice & beans, plantains and fresh tortillas. Awesome.

My new bestest friend Senora Cook. We had a thing going on ... OK, so she looks a little afraid of the huge gringo standing over her. But I made her laugh a lot and she kissed me on the cheek before we left.

Hey, I needed to all of those calories ... the dusty boots will testify to that fact after tromping around acres of fields and barns.

Steve and The Rhino in the tobacco fields.

Guys hanging tobacco in the curing barns. I offered to climb up and help ... but they deferred. Don't know why ...

Of course I needed something to get all of that dust from the fields out of my throat ... and here was just the thing: Flor de Cana rum from Nicarauga. So smmmooooooth and just perfect by itself over ice. $5.00 American per bottle.

The aftermath of consuming too much Flor de Cana.

A little slice of heaven. Racks and racks of cigars in the quality control room at the rolling factory.

A picture of my best buds and our host at the rolling factory. From left to right: Mike Beazley, Rocky Patel (our host and owner of Rocky Patel Cigars), The Rhino, Steve Parrish.

Anyway ... please excuse this for being short and sweet tonight.

Even though I ache from head to toe it really is good to be the Rhino.

Off to Honduras

2009-03-24T22:58:00.004-04:00

I'm off to Honduras for a long weekend my true and faithful friends and thought I'd leave you with a couple of pics from visits past for you to enjoy while I'm gone.

It won't be all fun and games as I'm nothing but an industrious Rhino (that, for the record, DOES NOT SOOK) and I'm sure that I'll try my hand at rolling cigars once again...

"Ummmm, you do know that my normal consulting rate is $150.00 per hour, right?"

And, of course, I'll be on the lookout for interlopers and other assorted and sundry miscreant types (read: FERALS) trying to sneak onto the compound...

"Did you say your name was Havock? What the hell kinda' name is that and why the hell were you in my humidor?"

But, at the end of the day, I'll probably sit contentedly, sip on a fine beverage, herf a fine stogie and think big thoughts

"Circle of Trust. Yeah, that was a good one. I can't wait till Harry finds out that I've got a TON of pages in the next book. Holy Christ I wish I lived in Australia just to hear his screams. Maybe I should tell him that I've already read the first four chapters. No, that would be cruel. I'll just let him slide for a couple more months. Damn, it really is good to be the Rhino."

New Rhino Icon Photo

2009-03-23T01:24:00.003-04:00

Thanks to Drej for the new Rhino icon photo ... totally rocks the chateau. From a comic by name of Primortals.

Totally dig the warrior Rhino look - I wonder if I could pull off the cape?

Dog in Lap

2009-03-07T23:31:00.002-05:00

Out and about with the HLDWW* today. While driving home, stopped at a light, I looked over and saw that the driver next to me, a woman, had one of those little yip dogs on her lap. Not only that, she was yakking it up on a cell phone too. WTF?

I pointed this out to the HLDWW so that she could join me in my righteous indignation - this lady was a MENACE of epic proportions and surly anyone could see that. The HLDWW's response? "So what?"

Me, "Huh?"

She gobsmacked me again. I know, I know - My historical inability, many of these failures documented for your amusement, to accurately gauge the HLDWW's response to one of my shattering utterances of the obvious are legend and should not come as a surprise at this point. But, c'mon, this lady was DRIVING with a DOG on HER LAP while TALKING on her CELL PHONE! Surely the HLDWW should get that there is a problem with this.

The conversation continues:

HLDWW, "I said, so what, she has a dog on her lap. It's small and cute and not doing anything."

Rhino, "Honey, it is a living creature and could cause her to lose control."

HLDWW, "And a meteor could strike too. It looks like it's well behaved."

Rhino, "Wha? A meteor? Huh? Anyway, what if it sees a squirrel or something and goes berserk?"

HLDWW, "It's dark, it isn't going to see a squirrel."

Rhino, "It doesn't need to see it, all it takes is one whiff and it could go ballistic. Besides, she is on her cell phone too. Simple math - cell phone plus squirrel scent inflamed dog equals recipe for disaster."

HLDWW, "And you never talk on your cell phone while driving?"

Rhino, "Not with a dog or any other small animal on my lap."

HLDWW, "Why are you getting so worked up about this?"

Rhino, "I wasn't until your reaction to the existence of this potentially man slaughtering sociopath next to us was 'so what'. You really don't have a problem with this?"

HLDWW, "None whatsoever and you really should put your energy into something positive."

By this time we're to the next light and the sociopath pulls to a stop next to us. I look over and give her my best Rhino glower.

HLDWW, "Why do you have to do that? It doesn't do anything regardless of what you think. Besides, she is off the cell phone."

Rhino, "But now shes drinking a soda! Look at the size of that soda that bitch is drinking - she can barely lift it. Christ, she probably needs all of that liquid to keep her throat properly lubricated after her cell phone marathon."

HLDWW, "Did you just call that lady a bitch?"

Rhino, "I was talking about the dog."

HLDWW, "Uh huh."

Rhino, "I'm going to say something to her."

HLDWW, "Oh no you are not. The light is green, go."

Rhino, (quietly) "I hope that she gets into a fender bender and the airbag goes off."

HLDWW, "What did you say?"

Rhino, "I said that I hope that she gets some sense."

HLDWW, "Uh huh."

I chuckled for a few moments thinking of that lady with a mixture of Fluffy the lap dog and Diet Coke splashed all over her.

Irish Pub and Aliens VS Monsters - In 3D!

2009-03-05T23:14:00.004-05:00

Just got back from the screening of AvsM and we had a great time. It was in 3D!!! The quality of the 3D was simply amazing. I haven't seen a 3D movie in years and I have to tell you that the quality was simply incredible. If they can do this with live action movies then the whole ball game with respect to the movie experience has gone through the stratosphere.

The even better part of today was that the HLDWW received an additional assignment yesterday. She had to meet with the owner of a local Irish pub to do a Q&A to be run in the March 15th edition in time for St. Pats. She scheduled it so that she could meet with the guy and then we could leave there and go straight to the movie. SWEET. She did the interview while I sat on the patio (It is back to Atlanta weather here - 65F, sunny today) sipped a Guiness, ate some great food, read a book and smoked a petite stogie. The pub grub was excellent as the owner happens to be a fine dining chef who got out of that biz in order to open a pub and his philosiphy is that you can serve good food, high in quality at a reasonable price. Even nicer, when he found out that I was the HLDWW's hubby he comped my check.

When we arrived at the theater we met the publicist - a nice bouncy young thing - and she escorted us to our reserved seats - middle row, halfway up, perfect - which was pretty sweet as the theater was almost full when we walked in. The seats had this sign taped to them:

It really is the little things that make me happy. She fetched the 3D glasses for us and made sure that we had everything we needed. When we sat down a guy sitting behind us leaned over and asked if we had some part in making the movie or something (because of the reserved sign). Very funny.

Neat experience - this was more than just a press event as the majority of people there were families with young children. Before the movie started the Paramount security guy advised everyone to turn off any cell or electronic device as they were filming the audience in night vision and any light source would be considered an attempt to pirate the flick. I've read that they do the night vision filming of the audience to measure reaction - which would explain all of the families as it would be at the center of the intended demographic of the flick.

Fun story. A good time was had by all. Even the HLDWW liked it which was a surprise.

All in all it was a pretty good day. I could learn to enjoy riding the HLDWW's coat tails.

No gift bags though. But I'll suffer in silence I think.

It is good to be comped and reserved Rhino.

Monsters VS Aliens - EDIT - New Question at End of Post

2009-03-03T22:11:00.003-05:00

Guess who gets to go to the advance VIP/Press screening of the upcoming animated flick Monsters VS Alien with the newly minted Hippie Liberal Douche Writer Wife?

Yeah, that'd be me.

The wife got the assignment today from her editor - the regular movie guy can't make it. However, this screening isn't for reviewers and an email from the publicist was blunt about that fact. Rather, it is prep for the journo types to do a follow-on "phoner" interview with one of the actors. The publicist contacted the HLDWW today and presented her with a list of 3 actors and she had to prioritize the list from first to last as to who she would prefer to interview.

The list (in no particular order):
1. Seth Rogan
2. Stephen Colbert
3. Will Arnett

So, the question is ... what would be your order and why?

What is so funny is that when I saw the trailer for this I totally geeked-out ... and the wife was stone cold ... she just doesn't do animation. I fully expected that I would have to wait for it to be released on DVD. She is totally relying on me to point out pertinent geek stuff to her and help her with questions - heh heh heh.

This so makes up for the damned handbags.

I wonder if there will be cocktails? Or gift bags?

It is cool to be the VIP film viewing Rhino.

EDIT: OK, the consensus in the comments is that the HLDWW should request Mr. Rogan - Which is what I suggested as well. So, the next question is: What do you think she should ask him during the interview? I'll share all of the answers with her.

Global Warming in Atlanta - March 1, 2009

2009-03-01T12:43:00.005-05:00

Woke up to a beautiful March 1st morning - embraced by the warmth of the effects of global warming.

A picture from the front porch of Chateau Rhino:

This. Is. Not. Good.

IT IS SNOWING!

IN ATLANTA!

ON MARCH 1ST!

WHAT THE HELL!

From the camera in my phone ... but you can see the accumulation and the snow coming down. This is crazy - it should NOT be snowing in Atlanta at all, let alone in March. Last time we had snow in Atlanta was January 2008.

Good thing I didn't stow this bad boy:

That, my friends, is a commercial grade propane heater. It keeps the Rhino toasty warm during his morning tea and cigar. And, yes, I really do wake up every day and take my tea on the front porch along with a cigar. Every day. Crappy pic that does not do it justice ... chalk it up to me using the phone because I'm too lazy to fish out the digital cam.

And before you eco-fascists get out of hand in the comments, I was being facetious about the global warming thing ... yes, I know that global warming is not just about rising temps and is also about disruptions in weather patterns that may cause unseasonable cold, blah, blah, blah, etc. So keep your pie holes sealed with your self-righteous global warming rants. I don't wanna' hear it from you, I've got the HLDW for that.

I don't wanna' be the Snow Rhino.

I wanna' be the On the Mexican Beach Rhino

HLDWW Review Link

2009-02-22T01:24:00.001-05:00

Here is a link to the HLDWW's review.

Bask in her journalistic glory here: http://www.thesundaypaper.com/More/Archives/tabid/98/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/3723/Goody-bag.aspx

Rhino

HLDW Upgrade

2009-02-17T22:10:00.003-05:00

Effective immediately the HLDW* has been upgraded and will now be known as the HLDWW - Hippie Liberal Douche Writer Wife.

A couple of months ago the HLDWW decided that she wanted to begin a freelance writing career. One small stumbling block was that she has no experience in the field whatsoever. Undeterred, she did some research and decided that the quickest way to achieve her goal of amassing some 'clips' (samples of published works - the street cred of freelancers) would be to do an unpaid internship somewhere. So, in her HLDWW single-minded manner she contacted the Editor in Chief of one of the local alternative weeklies, The Sunday Paper (www.sundaypaper.com) and secured a meeting. She met with him and asked for a shot at an internship. Unfortunately, he didn't have any space for additional interns but, after looking at some of her grad work papers, he did say that he would be willing to mentor her. He asked her to pitch some story ideas in the Arts arena (they don't have anyone on staff doing that beat right now) and if he liked any of the ideas he would take a look at what she wrote and possibly use it.

A couple of weeks ago she pitched a story about an exhibit set to open at the Museum of Design Atlanta. He liked the idea and advised her to write a review and if they had room in an upcoming issue they might use some quotes. Faint encouragement to be sure - but the HLDWW wanted to prove herself - so we (Yes, WE - it was painful and is worth another blog entry on its own - let's just say Rhino and frou frou gallery openings don't mix) attended the Press & VIP only opening for the exhibit and she wrote a review of 400 odd words (again, a painful process worthy of a separate blog entry) and submitted it.

She thought that was the end of things but then - GOOD NEWS - The Editor read it and liked it so much that he wanted her to beef it up to the 600 word range so that they could include it in the February 21st edition.

I'm so proud of her - her first at bat and she knocks it out of the park. She kicks ass and the world should know. As soon as the review appears online I'll post a link.

It is good to be the supportive spouse Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Devious HLDW

2009-02-16T23:25:00.003-05:00

The HLDW* is a devious, conniving wench.

February, 17th is The Rhino's date of birth and is generally celebrated by the masses as an all around day of mirth and merriment. However, this year, for many reasons, I advised the HLDW that I wanted to go low key this time around. No gatherings of any sort, no surprises because she thought that I "didn't really mean it about low-key", etc.

I should have realized that my wishes would go unheeded.

Monday is the day that I go to the cigar shop to play dominoes. Every Monday - hence the reason that we refer to it as Domino Monday at Chateau Rhino. The first clue that I should have known that something was up when I received a call from Red, the cigar shop proprietor, in the early afternoon, "Hey, where are you? We're about to put Gran Torino in." Red gets copies of screeners so we generally have many of the new releases, albeit with the "for your consideration" caption at the bottom, to watch in comfort with good cigars. Red is a buddy and we talk on the phone occasionally but only for man-appropriate topics - he has never called to advise that the movie is about to start. So, I get to the cigar shop and he asks if I want to watch the animation Justice League, The New Frontier before Gran Torino. NOW ALARM BELLS ARE GOING OFF. Red generally does NOT indulge geek stuff and is fundamentally opposed to showing "cartoons" at the shop. But, I'm any easy going Rhino and go with the flow and enjoy the movie. Oh, I forgot to mention that my buddy Steve was there and he just happened to have stocked the fridge with Guinness and INSISTED that I join him in drinking a few.

So, at the end of the movie my buddy Steve gets a call, hangs up and asks if someone can help him get something. I offer but he tells me to stay put - he has some help. Five minutes later Steve comes in, escorted by the HLDW. In her arms are a very large bottle of Bombay Sapphire and bottles of tonic. In Steve's arms are several boxes of pizza from my favorite take out joint. The HLDW decided that she needed to supply us with a little pizza party a day before my b-day.

What an amazing woman I married. She called everyone over the weekend and arranged everything.

Everyone sings Happy Birthday - with much gusto and very off key. I then eat, drink and am the recipient of many fine cigars. Someone said that all of the guys coming up to me and giving me cigars was reminiscent of that scene in "A Beautiful Mind" where they walk up to the table and place their pens on John Nash's table. Wonderful.

After the shop closed we repaired to the bar for more drinks, cigars and laughs.

I have just made it home and am a very tipsy Rhino (so forgive any typos or incoherence) - much, much gin and Guinness were imbibed - but I felt that I needed to get this down immediately because that chick I sleep with is so fucking awesome.

Did I mention that I married an amazing woman?

It really is good to be a 46 year old Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

2009-02-11T19:57:00.002-05:00

Another significant difference between men and women that I have recently had the opportunity to observe up close and personal is the process whereby each gender goes about resolving friendship issues.

As I am a process-geek Rhino I've decided to capture the process steps for your edification.

MALE process steps for resolving friendship issues:

Process Duration - 5 minutes
1. Man tells friend that he is acting like a total dick-head and he needs to stop or a can of whoop ass will be opened.

2. Friend replies that he didn't realize that he was acting like a dick-head and said behavior will cease and desist immediately.

3. Fists are bumped. Beer is quaffed. Equilibrium is restored.

END PROCESS

FEMALE process steps for resolving friendship issues:

Process Duration: 90 - 120 Days
1. Discuss with several girlfriends, in excruciating detail, the emotional distress associated with needing to end possibly, maybe a friendship with someone because you don't agree with their behavior, morals, they are a bitch, etc., etc.

2. Discuss with their husband, in excruciating detail, the emotional distress associated with needing to end, possibly, maybe, a friendship with someone because you don't agree with their behavior, morals, they are a bitch, etc., etc.

3. In order to justify the decision the woman now lists all of the good things and bad things about the person to see if the bad outweighs the good - even if the bad is so bad that you couldn't possibly like yourself if you had to be around it and no amount of good could possibly absolve it. Share this list with the husband and review each and every item on the list ad nauseum, sometimes acting as devil's advocate, to make sure that all list items have been sufficiently discussed.

4. Decides to end the friendship but take no action for a couple of weeks while rehashing steps 1, 2 and 3 to see if there is any way to salvage the relationship or to see if the other person's disagreeable behavior might magically abate thereby making the need to take action moot.

5. Ignore husband's advice to just have a conversation with the soon to be ex-friend and just get it over with.

6. Consult your friend the psychic to see if there is anything in the soon to be ex-friend's aura or past life that could be causing the current issues. Rehash conversation, at length, with husband.

7. Make the decision to end the friendship. Now that decision to break-off the friendship has been reached it is now time to obsess about the possibly hurt feelings of the soon to be ex-friend. Discuss pending guilty feelings incessantly with husband.

8. Get past the obsession about the soon to be ex-friend's feelings and obsess about possible retribution that the ex-friend might exact - however faint and implausible the hypothetical retribution may be. Discuss fears incessantly with husband.

9. Letting the fear of possible retribution keep you from taking action you once again seek out the advice of the psychic friend. On the advice of said psychic friend, you write the name of the soon to be ex-friend on a sheet of paper and place it in the freezer so as to metaphysically freeze them out with the intent that this "spell work" will cause the soon to be ex-friend to gradually fade, painlessly, away.

10. Over a period of weeks politely decline invitations from the soon to be ex-friend but still have hour(s) long conversations and/or exchange multiple text messages daily.

11. Gradually shorten conversations and then stop returning calls/messages and ignore texts.

12. After a couple of weeks of silence advise the husband that the "spell work" of freezing the name was successful and that the friendship has been ended successfully and painlessly. Do not acknowledge that the passive-aggressive act of reducing contact over time had any effect on the outcome.

END PROCESS

Please note that you did not see the acronym HLDW* anywhere in the above.

Did you?

Didn't think so.

The Rhino's objective and scientific conclusion: Bitches be crazy.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Sexy Fun Time

2009-02-08T17:34:00.004-05:00

Another Rhino Life Lesson...

If one wakes with morning wood and decides to poke a sleeping HLDW* with it until she awakens and proceeds to ask her, "Do you have some place I can store this?" it will not, I repeat, WILL NOT result in sexy fun time.

Who knew?

I'm a caring and benevolent Rhino and I share this with you to aid you on your path to enlightenment. Some life lessons can be sweet but, as in this instance, they can be painful as well.

And lonely.

Not to mention frustrating.

At least until one takes a shower. A long, long satisfying shower.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Bacon Explosion Recipe from Chef Larry

2009-02-03T11:42:00.003-05:00

OK, I know that there are versions of this floating around but this is the version that "chef buddy Larry" used for the Super Bowl party.

Did I mention that the Steelers won by the way?

OK, here it tis:

BACON EXPLOSION

INGREDIENTS

2 lbs bacon

2 lbs Italian sausage, bulk

1lb cheese, cheddar

BBQ sauce

BBq dry rub spice mix

Layout half the bacon on a sheet of plastic wrap and weave into a lattice design

Cover with BBQ spice rub

Layer sausage on bacon and press out to side in and even layer

Cook the other half of bacon to crisp and crumble

Layer crumbled bacon on sausage layer

Cover that with the cheese

Carefully roll up the sausage layer tightly and pinch close the ends

Roll the lattice bacon layer to close the roll

Use the plastic wrap to help

You can cover with the plastic wrap until ready to cook

When ready to cook coat the lattice layer with the BBQ rub

YOU CAN NOW SMOKE THE LOG OR BAKE IN A ROASTING PAN IN THE OVEN

In the oven roast low and slow , 350 degrees for about 1.5 – 2 hours or until the middle reads 155 on a meat thermometer

For the last 10 minutes of cooking brush with BBQ sauce to get a nice glossy coat on the lattice bacon cover.

Let rest , slice and enjoy on your favorite biscuit or bun

Steelers Win and Bacon Explosion - What a Night!

2009-02-01T23:03:00.005-05:00

Quick post ... just back from the Super Bowl Party. Great night as the Steelers picked-up their sixth championship trophy! Great game - nail biter to the end.

For our Aussie friends ... the Arizona Cardinals kicker was the very first Australian to play in a Super Bowl.

Great food at my chef buddy's house ... amongst the gastronomical delights was Bacon Explosion! It is 2 pounds of bacon woven into a "blanket". Then sausage, cheese and caramelized onions are spread on the bacon, it is rolled and dry rubbed with BBQ seasoning then baked.

Two words: FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!

Here's some pictures:

Another view:

Take the delicious slices and put them on a hard roll and there you go. Brought some leftovers home for a midnight snack.

Bacon munched.

Beer swilled.

Steelers win.

Yep, all in all, it is good to be the Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

An Aussie on The Square

2009-01-28T23:29:00.007-05:00

The HLDW* and I live in an Atlanta, GA suburb by the name of Marietta. One of the things that we like about this burb is that they have preserved it's historical downtown area. It is laid out in that "town square" fashion that is iconic Americana - there is a park area (with a fountain and stage for summer concerts) surrounded on four sides by streets - the court house is set at one side of the square and the other three sides are shops and restaurants.

So, the HLDW and I finish dinner at the pizza joint and decide that we need something for dessert. It is too cold for ice cream so we decide to go the pastry route and saunter over to take a look at one of the businesses that we haven't visited yet -- The Australian Bakery. We've been living in Marietta for the last 3 years and have been on 'The Square' numerous times but I've never poked my horn in there for a look ... it could be that "Australian Bakery" sounds like an oxymoron to me - Vegemite Strudel anyone?

We walk in are greeted with a massive bakery case filled with sweet and savory pastries on one side of the room and on the other side we see this (pics taken with my phone so apologies in advance for the dodgy quality)

A wall full of freakin' Aussie dry goods and stuff.

Of course, right off the bat they feature that quintessential Australian delicacy...

Yeah, Vegemite. And, no, I didn't buy any.

Further exploration found these:

Birmo posted, lovingly, about Tim Tams over on Cheesburger Gothic ... but I didn't buy any this round. Bought too much of the fresh and delicious looking offerings in the case - an apple turnover and slice of carrot cake for the Rhino and some frufru stuff for the HLDW.

But then, I found something utterly disturbing that defied immediate identification. I know, the package identifies them as "Musk Flavoured Sticks" (and you know they are foreign because of the extra "u" in the word flavored) What what I couldn't identify is whether these were a food product, insect repellent or something used by Aussie blokes to attract the sheilas... so, I decided to go with food product.

What the HELL are these things? Worse yet, what kind of conversation had to go on at the marketing meeting for these things? "Well, you know, peppermint sticks are nice and all but don't you think that it's a bit cliche? I think that it's about time to give some consideration to the clamoring hordes of musk lovers we all know are out there. We'll OWN the market!"

I offered the HLDW $50.00 to try them but she muttered something about having enough trouble getting the musk out of my side of the bed sheets and refused.

As we make our purchases I hear the distinctive sound of the Australian accent and am informed by the clerk that the speaker is the owner/baker, and he is, indeed, an actual Australian. I introduce myself and the HLDW and we exchange the usual pleasantries. After a few minutes I decide that I need to establish my Oz Cred so I go for the big name drop, "So, I'm sure you've read He Died with a Felafel in His Hand by John Birmingham?"

Oz Baker, "Umm, no, don't know that one."

Rhino, "You know, John Birmingham? He Died was adapted into a play and is the longest running play in Australian history ... that John Birmingham?"

Oz Baker, "Ummm, nope."

Rhino, "OK, then. Maybe you know about his award winning history of Sydney, Leviathan?"

Oz Baker, "Hmmmmmmm, nope, don't know it."

Rhino, "Do you read science fiction? Maybe you've seen his Axis of Time trilogy?"

Oz Baker, "No. But I may have to check them out."

Rhino, "Yeah, well, I think that you'd enjoy them. Oh, and, he's got another coming out in February - Without Warning."

I was about to go into a synopsis of the plot and characters along with my best rendition of of my best "You don't get these by pettin' kitty cats" but, by this point, his eyes were glazing over like the topping on the apple tart I just purchased.

So, there you go ... my attempt to name drop is an epic fail.

In consolation the apple turnover was pretty good.

But the slice of carrot cake was stale.

All in all I should have gone with the Tim Tams.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Big Guy Seating

2009-01-19T21:31:00.004-05:00

The HLDW* and I were driving today and the subject of lunch venue was raised.

HLDW, "Let's do Indian food."

Rhino, "Blech. I had my mouth controls set to 'pizza'."

HLDW, "Well, reset them."

Rhino, "I didn't bring any pepto." (Indian food does really, really bad things to Rhino tummys)

HLDW, "I have some in my purse."

Well, at that point I knew that the best option on the decision tree was that of tactical retreat as when it comes to either Thai or Indian food the HLDW is much like the Borg - resistance is futile.

Rhino, "OK, which one do you want to go to - the French Indian one or the Bombay Cafe?"

HLDW, "French Indian? Which one is that?"

OK, I may have been forced to perform a tactical retreat in the face of overwhelming odds but that wasn't going to stop me from getting off a Parthian shot while doing so.

Rhino, (with a barely restrained smirk) "You know the one I'm talking about, the Le Whore Grill." (I am one witty mofo).

HLDW, "If you mean the Lahore Grill then I think we should go to the Bombay Cafe."

Rhino, "Cool, they have the puffy chairs."

HLDW, "That's what you remember about the place? You really focus on the strangest things."

Rhino, "Seating arrangements are a key strategic consideration for those of us classified as 'large and in charge'."

Now I've set the HLDW on the relative merits of seating at the various Indian restaurants...

HLDW, "Are the seats at Lahore uncomforable?"

Rhino, "No, they're fine. But the ones at Bombay are plush and have plenty of elbow room - you know, for when I have to make a mad dash to the buffet and fight those tough old ladies for the last of the nan."

HLDW, "OK, I get it, but please don't say 'you don't get these by petting kitty cats' to anyone in the buffet line this time."

Rhino, "Well, in my defense that lady's walker did bump into me."

HLDW, "Have I told you lately that you are insane?."

Rhino, "I set my watch by your insanity proclamations darlin'."

The eye-roll really was spectacular.

It really is good to be an equestrian archer Rhino - but it is hell on the horses.

Regards,
The Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

And, yes, it is Parthian shot and not parting shot - read some military history.

The HLDW Meets Buffalo Bill

2009-01-14T00:59:00.006-05:00

The HLDW* and I were lying in bed this morning sharing one of those wonderfully intimate moments (No, you pervs, not one of those intimate moments - get your mind out of the gutter) and, as she is wont to do, she asks me to share my thoughts. Not good. Why? Well, as much as she asserts that sharing my thoughts is a positive thing and something she likes and encourages, it rarely turns out to be the relationship enhancing moment that she thinks it will be.

This time was no different.

So, as we lay there cuddling I, using my outside voice in the clueless way that I have, observed that if she were ever kidnapped by a serial killer she would surely survive as her god-given ability to exasperate anyone would force them to release her post haste.

For some reason this compliment did not elicit the hug and kiss that I thought it would. Quite the contrary as a matter of fact.

HLDW, "What do you mean by that?"

Rhino, "I'm just saying that once you get on something there is no force that will move you off your position."

HLDW, "Yeah, so what does that have to do with serial killers?"

Rhino, "Well, I was just thinking about that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the serial killer, Buffalo Bill, has that chick in the well and I thought if that was you in there you would have kicked his ass."

HLDW, "Huh? Why would you be thinking that?"

Rhino, "Ummmm, I don't know, it just popped into my head."

So, at that point, knowing that there was really no way in hell that I could adequately explain why I was imagining her in the grips of a serial killer I decided that the best course of action would be to just act out the scene for her ... doing both voices.

Rhino as Buffalo Bill, "It puts on the lotion or It gets the hose."

Rhino as the HLDW, "Yeah, well, about that, it looks as if this is generic lotion and I don't do generic.

Buffalo Bill, "It puts on the lotion or It gets the hose."

HLDW, "Do you have anything scented?"

Buffalo Bill, (a little more agitated) "It puts on the LOTION or It gets the HOSE."

HLDW, "Now slow down there, I told you it was generic and it could make me break out and I don't see a spa anywhere in this hole so that's a no-go."

Buffalo Bill, (now a whole lot more agitated) "I SAID IT PUTS ON THE LOTION OR IT GETS THE HOSE."

Aside - At this point I was deep into my character and really getting into it so much so that the spittle was literally flying, which, I thought, really lent an air of authenticity to my portrayal.

HLDW, "Yeah, and that's another thing, don't even think about spraying water on this blouse, much less the hair, Mr. Demanding No Manners."

Buffalo Bill, (lowering ladder into the well) "Get out."

HLDW, "What?"

Buffalo Bill, "I said, GET OUT. I give up, it isn't worth it. If you don't leave right now I'm calling the FBI. And leave the lotion."

HLDW, "You should really think about taking some anger management classes or, at the very least, taking a yoga or meditation class."

Breathless, I concluded my little scene for her with the sure knowledge that it should be abundantly clear that what I originally said was meant to be a compliment.

HLDW, (laughing hysterically) "Why are you so odd?"

Rhino, "What? You escaped."

HLDW, "Odd. Odd. Odd."

Rhino, "Sheesh, you're the one that likes sharing. I thought that was supposed to bring us closer together." What did I do?"

For the record I do a helluva' Buffalo Bill.

Flying spittle and all.

It is good to be the method acting Rhino.

Regards,
Rhino

*Hippie Liberal Douche Wife

Return of the Rhino

2009-01-14T00:41:00.001-05:00

I'm back. I've decided to start posting here pending site enhancements at the Cheesburger.

I'll be back later with an update and the latest with the HLDW.

Regards,
Rhino